Variations on a Theme of Ben and Riley
by kiernanfan
Summary: This is a series of stories on the apparently wildly unpopular idea of Ben and Riley being together. The first three chapters provide distinct alternate versions of the season finale, though there may be some repetition. Later versions build on these events, and hopefully cohere into a larger narrative. Chapter 2 rated M for ABC Family sexuality.
1. Chapter 1: Blue

(This story takes place right up to the Season Four Finale, but with a very different ending.)

Ben paused momentarily. Just a few seconds ago his mother grimaced at him asking why he was interrupting their wedding instead of carrying it out. As he tried to explain why Riley and his brother Danny should be together, his mother's fiancée openly asked who he was talking about. Just press ahead, this is the right thing you are doing, this isn't thoughtless, but sincere. He was going to remind Danny that he had loved Riley every day of his life since he was six... Was that actually true? No doubt he cared for her very deeply, but every day, when he had heard Danny with other women and seen them in the morning... No that was snarky, perhaps he could rephrase it... Or let's talk to Riley. Just turn to her...

The audience didn't notice the shift. "Riley, I don't think I've been a very good friend over the last few months. I've...been selfish, and I've been completely ignorant of what you actually wanted and needed..." (that should be needed and wanted or just needed or just..) "I am so sorry that I haven't been there for you. No, I..I..I..am so sorry that I will never be the man you need and deserve and should have had all this time. I was so lucky that you ever thought of me and I can't...can't... can't ever be good enough for you. But..but..." And now there was an audible pause that the audience did notice.. "but you have to believe me that you will never, never, find anyone who loves you as completely and totally as Danny does. Please...please.."

And then Riley and Danny moved towards each other. Or was it Danny to Riley? Certainly as the taller of the two he would have to take the initiative. And as their lips gently touched Bonnie loudly interrupted: "This is a sign! This is the last bloody sign! Seriously Brad, do you want to call off the wedding today and try some other time!" "Works for me!" There was some confusion as Bonnie's friend Charlotte said this wasn't her fault, Tucker told the audience that they could go home and then Danny spoke up. "We can still have a wedding!" He turned to Riley "I'm in a tux, and you're in a dress. I always knew we would end up together some day." He got down on the traditional one knee. "Riley Perrin, will you marry me?"

Riley stared. What was she thinking? It was hard to tell because she quickly covered her mouth. Was she smiling? Was she afraid? What about her eyes? They seemed surprised, were they alarmed? Was she looking away from Danny? And if so to whom? Certainly everyone else around the treehouse was trying to catch her eye, not to mention the people in the front row. Then she put her hand down and opened her mouth slightly. She then paused and then...

"Eep!"

"Eep?" asked Danny.

"Eep!"

"What kind of answer is that?!" yelled Bonnie.

"Eep! Eep! Eep-eep!"

"Oh, she's got the hiccups!" realized Tucker.

"Oh, we need to scare her!" said Danny.

"Riley, your gynecologist called. You're ridiculously pregnant." smiled Bonnie.

Riley glared derisively at this obvious ploy, then "Eep!"

"No," shouted Brad. "The key to hiccups is to take some water and gargle for about thirty seconds."

Ben pointed to Emma's basic supplies bag that was near her and Tucker. "Tucker, give Riley one of Emma's juice packs." Tucker reached in and tossed a juice carton to Riley. She tore it open and swallowed the contents. Awkwardly trying to position herself so that the audience wouldn't see her gargling, she swallowed some and started coughing. This grew slightly worse until Bonnie gave her a firm smack on the back. "All right. Ok. Umm. Well that was strange and a bit awkward and a bit strange and a little awkward.."

"You're repeating yourself," Bonnie noted impatiently.

"I'm sorry. This is very sudden."

"We could get married tonight!" Danny declared enthusiastically.

"No, you can't," Tucker rejoined. "You need a marriage license, which you can't get because it's a Saturday night. And once you get it you have to wait at least 24 hours."

"Umm, this is very sudden. I mean earlier today we were barely friends, and now you want us to get married."

"But this is what our whole lives have been waiting for! This is perfect!"

"Really?" queried Tucker.

"Yes, well it's been a long day, and come to think of I left the oven on, and well these flowers I'm holding should be put someplace safe, and these, these are just totally the wrong shoes to accept an engagement in, and come to think I may have forgot to turn my DVR on..."

"She's moving toward the door!" Brad yelped.

"She's a flight risk!" realized Tucker, and indeed not only did she quickly dash to the exit, but the effect of several dozen guests who over the past hour hadn't realized the importance of the cinderblock keeping the door open was such the slight instinctive tug she gave to the door as she went in was enough to upset it and lock everyone else on the roof.

"Oh for God's sake, we've got to do something about that door!" cried Tucker.

Bonnie stared sourly at her oldest son. "Danny. Get up." Fortunately Ben had been locked up on the roof himself enough times over the past couple of years that he had figured some ways of jimmying the lock, something that was easy to do with an assortment of wedding supplies. Of course, this didn't mean the search for Riley could immediately resume, since the guests had to be shuffled out of the building, while people closer to Bonnie and Brad were shanghaied by the unsuccessful bride into dealing with the collapse of the ceremony. "This is all your fault Ben! This is all because I made you realize that you should be supporting Danny with Riley. And so you just had to help them and ruin my wedding. And to think that if I had supported your selfish immature pursuit of Riley I could be the one happily married. Clearly no good deed goes unpunished!" Tucker quickly realized that Riley was not in her apartment, and that her cellphone was still there as he heard it ringing.

Ben paced a little and then spoke up. "Ok, what we have to do is think."

"Oh, _this_ will be fun." muttered Tucker.

"All right, She wasn't carrying her purse when she was on the roof. And if she didn't take her cell phone that maybe because she never went back to her apartment. That means she doesn't have her wallet or any money." Tucker took out one of the ubiquitous keys to her apartment Riley had passed out in her absent mindedness. He opened the apartment. "Dude you were right, good call."

"That means she doesn't have the money to go back to Jersey, or even a transit pass to use the subway. That means she's on foot and somewhere within a ten block radius. Nobody on the roof really saw her on the north side of the building, so she probably left on the south side where we can't see her as well from the top."

"Excellent," said Bonnie. "Tucker, there are three all-night diners south of here five blocks from here. There's also an all-night ice cream place three blocks west. Danny, try your bar, and if it's locked by now try the two closest bars five blocks from there. Ben?"

"Yes?"

"You are going back up to the roof and help put all the chairs away, and generally clean up after the ceremony."

"You mean right now?"

"No, I mean three days later when your landlord complains and we have to worry about whether you get evicted. You don't expect me and Brad to clean up after own ceremony. Then when you've done all that you can put your daughter to bed. Then you should probably go to bed yourself." And so 25 minutes later Ben entered his apartment. "It's been a long and exciting day kiddo, and you probably didn't really understand what was going on. But someday yours truly is going to be up there and with someone who loves you just as much as I do. Only right this moment I have no idea how that is..." Ben switched the light on in his room. "Riley?!"

"Ummm. Hi Ben."

"What are you doing here?!"

"Well, I was running away, and then I realized that I had locked myself out of my apartment again without the key..."

"Yeah, you should really make sure you don't keep doing that."

"And I entered here, because it was the only room that was unlocked."

"Yeah, we should really keep the door locked. I mean we've had thieves before. But with everyone running back and forth over the wedding..." At that point Ben's cell phone vibrated. It was Tucker. "Ben, she's not at the ice cream place. Are you sure she really likes Asian food?"

"Tucker, she's here."

"In our apartment? How did she double back on us?"

"I think she's been here the entire time."

"Ok, I'll call Danny." Ben nodded to Riley. "They'll be back in five minutes."

"Five minutes? I'm, I'm...do we have to do this right now?"

"Well you can't stay in my bedroom. For a start Emma has to sleep here." And so seven minutes later Riley sat uncomfortably on the apartment couch while the three roommates circled her nervously.

"Why do I have to be here?" moaned Tucker. "Did it occur to the three of you that I may have had plans for the evening which would actually have happened if you hadn't all stopped the wedding?"

'What kinds of plans?" asked Riley.

"Well, there was the really hot brunette with the red shirt and a cute little hat..."

"Dude, that's Brad's sister." Danny pointed out.

"Well is there a problem with that?"

"Well, she's married and four months pregnant, so kind of..." said Ben.

"Four months? You're kidding me. Look that's not the problem. The problem is ever since Emma came in, it's been Danny and Riley, or Ben or Riley. And nobody cares that I might want to be with someone..."

"That's not true," objected Riley. "What about a few months back when Ben and Danny brought your wife back? Ok, they didn't know she was your wife. Or a sociopath. But surely it's the thought that counts."

"And there's the time Mom and me helped set you up with Christine," added Ben. "That collapsed rather quickly, I admit. But look, next week me and Danny, we promise we'll recommend you to our customers."

"Really? Thanks dude. How about those three hot Asian girls who dropped in last week?"

"Ummm, well if you're thinking about those three UN economists who just dropped in for a drink before starting a six month survey of Malaysia, probably not so much. But seriously, I promise you something."

"OK. But that still doesn't give me a good reason to be here."

"Please Tucker," and Riley put a hand on his arm. "I need someone here who is neutral."

"Now Riley, you are aware of the difference between being neutral, and being indifferent, which is what I actually feel... Wait a minute. What am I being neutral about? I was under the impression the SS. Ben-Riley _Titanic_ had struck an iceberg months ago with 1500 people drowning horribly in the North Atlantic."

" _Titanic_. I love that movie." Danny mused dreamily. "I mean, not the 1500 people drowning horribly, but the way Leonardo DiCaprio sacrifices himself for Kate Winslett. That's so sweet."

"Meh." Ben disagreed. "I mean I enjoyed it years ago, but about four years ago I was watching this movie with a film studies major I was dating. And she just went on and on about how crass and manipulative it was. Actually she made some fairly good points. And I actually really like Jim Cameron movies."

"People!" snapped Tucker, "If we could talk about something that's actually relevant to the situation at hand!"

Riley gulped both audibly and visibly. She got up and paced nervously, avoiding the gaze of the Wheeler brothers who were near the kitchen. "This is why I should have gone to Buffalo. This was precisely the situation I was trying to avoid, and this is precisely the situation I'm in. I'm facing two wonderful men who have been my best friends for decades and who both truly love me. And now thanks to me I am going to have to break at least one of their hearts, and quite possibly both of them."

There was a slight pause as everyone waited for her to continue. An indeed she started to speak, several times actually, but then she turned around and moved towards Tucker. "Psst," he whispered. "How do you know they actually love you?"

"What?"

"I mean, aside from talking about you endlessly, why should I believe they love you? I mean if one or both didn't _really_ love you, if it was just a temporary crush, it would save a lot of time. Not to mention my sanity."

"Tucker, I may be a lot thinner than I was than when I was in high school..."

"I don't think 'may' is the operative word here. In fact, I don't think there's any need to use the conditional tense at all."

"Tucker! Regardless of what I look like now, I know I am not so strikingly beautiful or sexually alluring that no one can resist me. So the fact that they keep coming back to me is a strong sign of something. And seriously, in what other circumstances has either Wheeler brother has foregone sex with a woman this long?"

"Hmm, that's a good point."

"And if you ever tell either of them this Tucker Dobbs, I will break your neck."

"Oh yeah girl, I'd like to see you try..." Riley impulsively grabbed one of Tucker's fingers and twisted it back as far as it could without snapping it. "Ouch! OK, I don't want to see you try!" As Tucker nursed his hand after what had been the first audible line in their conversation, Riley turned towards the brothers, took a deep breath, and sat down on the couch. "Danny, please sit with me."

Danny did so and Riley gave him a look that combined a smile with a grimace. She tried to speak, then tried again. Finally, "about the proposal..."

"OK, I agree it was a bit much to get married right this minute."

"Well, it's good that we're on the same page."

"I mean we've never actually dated, and we just kissed, or...or...or done any of the other things that engaged couples have done... And it occurs to me that your family would actually see you married."

"Yes, I believe they actually would."

"So, clearly we should give the wedding idea some time to get started." Danny paused. "In fact, it may be a better idea to withdraw the proposal completely for a few months and then try it again. Unless that's far too cold and unromantic, in which case I'm completely open to an elopement! Or not. Or yes!"

"Danny, that's not the entire problem. It's not just so much that it's sudden..."

"It's spontaneous! But I can change that!"

"Danny, there's also the problem that your brother is still in love with me!"

"But he'll get over it. I mean he was cross for a few days when I told him we were in love. But today he's been incredibly helpful. He's been everything I could ask for."

"Yes Danny, but there's also the problem that I think I may still be in love with your brother."

"What?"

"Oh good Lord girl, not this again! Why can't you make up your mind?" Tucker complained.

Riley rose again. "That's a very good question. When me and Ben got back earlier this year, part of me clearly wanted me to do this. But there was also a part of me that thought he was still unreliable womanizing Ben who just wanted to get into my pants. And so I got angry at his attempts to hook up with me on the train ride to Florida, even though twice on that trip I seriously considered sleeping with him. And I thought he was going to sleep with a bartender on the train. And then when I asked for him to delay telling everyone about us getting back together, and when he couldn't keep blurting it out, I was so irritated. And at the same time there was finding Danny's old love message from the treehouse, and then hearing he was going to go to Paris, and part of me thought, wouldn't it be nice to have a boyfriend who was absolutely reliable. Someone who treated me with complete respect, someone who had always loved me..."

"And you can still have that!" pleaded Danny.

"...someone who had always protected me, someone who was like the big older brother I never had."

"Eew!" winced Tucker.

"And at the same time part of me dismissed the idea such that Ben's suspicions could be dismissed as not only paranoid but as proof of his immaturity. And as long as I engaged in this sort of doublethink, I could believe I had been the loyal girlfriend to Ben, and that moving on to Danny would be perfectly reasonable. And even when actually talking to Danny at the hockey game led to a complete fiasco, the possibility was still there..."

"The possibility is still there!" exclaimed Danny.

"...particularly if neither of us didn't actually act on it. But now we're acting on it, and there's something very wrong with this picture." Riley sat down and faced Danny. "Just consider the events of the past couple of days. It's taken so much trouble for us, who know each other so well and so long and who live so close to each other to get together..."

"But we are together! We are literally on the same couch." Danny paused and turned to Ben. "Literally is the right word, right?"

Ben nodded. "Yes, you are literally on the same couch, while figuratively you are on the same page. Or trying to get there."

Riley took a breath. "Danny, we are together, to the extent that we actually kissed, because your brother begged me to do so at your mother's marriage. Do you not see the problem here?"

"It hasn't been the shortest or the easiest route. But what matters is that we are together at the end."

"But we could have been together at least two months ago if we had a good talk after I came back from New Jersey. So why didn't we? It's not like you suffer from agoraphobia."

"I'm not afraid of spiders?"

"That's arachnophobia."

"I'm not afraid of the number 13?"

"That's triskadekaphobia," informed Tucker. The others looked at him. "What? Some women like to know this." The others looked at him more skeptically. "OK, there's this medical student I knew in college who liked to know this." The others now looked at him derisively. "OK, she was a bit weird. But in my defense, she had extremely large breasts."

Riley turned to Danny. "Agoraphobia is a fear of open spaces. The point is that minimal communication could have solved the problem months ago, and there is no reason to believe we lack minimal communication skills. And yet here we are."

"But there were problems then. I was still annoyed at how you talked to me at the hockey game. Then I was with Ashley, and you were with Ross, and Ben still thought he had a chance. But now everything is perfect..."

"Danny, it's never going to be perfect! For a start, I am not a perfect person! I am ridiculously far from being a perfect person! At least one day a week, often two I panic and think I'm going to completely screw up my legal work, and I'm going to be swallowed up by my law school debts. I'm often nervous, or clumsy and sometimes even hysterical."

"But you don't have to worry about that anymore because I'm here now."

"Danny, it's not just that counting on anyone else in this room for legal help would almost certainly get me swiftly disbarred. It's the fact that if we have to wait until it's perfect for you to act, then we are never going to go anywhere. You cannot reasonably expect Ben to help us with every problem we encounter in our relationship."

"All right, so clearly we have to work smarter, not harder."

"Danny. I am not going to marry you. I am not going to marry you tonight, or actually this morning. I am not going to marry you in the immediate future. I am not going to marry you in the near distant future. Barring a series of tragic and unfortunate events, I will probably never marry you. You are a kind and generous and fundamentally decent person, Daniel Mellencamp Wheeler. And everyone who knows you is lucky to have you as your friend. And there was a time when I thought I was in love with you. And there was definitely a time when I wanted to sleep with you. And I wish you the world Danny, I really do. Danny, several months ago I told you I thought I was falling in love with you. Now tonight, I know that I'm not. I am so, so, so sorry."

"What? But that's not fair. I have known you all my life. And I have cared for you all my life, while for almost all that time to Ben you were just the annoying fat girl from across the street."

"Wait a minute," Ben objected. "Look I wasn't choosing China patterns when we were kids, and obviously I made a lot of jokes about her weight that I right now really regret. But even when we were growing up I was her friend."

"You played all kinds of mean tricks on her! Do I need to remind you of her 16th birthday!?"

"Dude, we play mean tricks on her every Halloween!"

"Oh but your tricks were much worse than mine."

"Danny, that's because you nearly set yourself on fire when you were eight and Mom wouldn't let you touch matches again until you were 15."

"Look, that's not the point. When we were teenagers you were at best a fairweather friend..."

"I was more than that..."

"...while I deeply and truly cared for her. I loved her and I will always love her more than you.."

"Then for God's sake Danny why couldn't you have asked her out ten years ago?" asked Tucker "At the very least I could get some sleep tonight."

Danny was speechless. And then he spoke. "Well for much of that time, Riley was in love with Ben, and I couldn't interfere."

"But you must have known that Ben had no interest in Riley in high school. So why didn't you do something then?"

"Because...because...because..." Danny gulped and started deeply at Riley. "Because I thought you might turn me down and I might lose both my best friend and the woman I love."

Riley nodded and bit her lip. "And that's precisely the problem. It's not that so much that you don't take risks. It's that you don't do _anything_! Who was it who took the initiative to bring me back from New Jersey? Ben. Who was actually physically hurt that I was sleeping with Ross? Ben. Who broke up with Ross and Ashley because we realized we were in love with each other? Neither of us! Ben had more to do with that than because we realized we had made the wrong choice. Earlier tonight you moved from audibly pouting over my behavior to offering to marry me in less than three minutes because Ben pushed you. At the hockey game you complained about my hurting your feelings. Shortly afterwards, I accidentally pushed Ben off a roof! I threw out most of his clothes on the train to Florida! I didn't have the decency to tell him I had feelings for you! And yet he only was he still trying to get back together with me, he is willing to break his heart so that two of the people he loves most will be happy."

"He doesn't love you! Not like I do!"

"Danny, I don't want to say that you're stupid, except on the many occasions I've yelled at all three of you as a bunch of idiots. And it's striking that Ben didn't realize about your feelings for me. But on this point, you are completely wrong about Ben's feelings." And Riley got up and walked over to Ben. "Behind that often spectacularly unconvincing womanizing veneer, you really do love me. If there was any chance that you could get me back, you would seize if, even if you risked looking like a complete fool." And then she started to cry. "You really would sacrifice anything for your friends, regardless of the price. That is a very special gift, and it's not something to be either sneered at, or wished away. And as life goes on, this is a gift you will definitely need, because not only can life be very hard, it _will_ often be very hard, and you will have to make those hard choices."

And the she kissed him, and although not much longer than the kiss earlier on the roof, it was clearly and distinctly longer. "But this is one sacrifice you do not have to make. Nor should you ever be expected to make it again. Benjamin Ben Jovi Wheeler, if you can forgive me for how I have treated you, I would be very happy to be whatever you wanted me to be."

Ben tried to embrace Riley, but then sobbed convulsively. "Riley...I don't know what to say. You keep saying that I'm this wonderful person who puts other people's feelings first. But I know I am weak. I don't want to be the kind of guy who scores with a different woman every night. I don't ever want to be that person again. But I'll never be as good as Fitch, and I'll never be a professor like Philip, and I'll never be a good lawyer like Ross. Or even a disastrously incompetent one, as the case may be. If you think I'm this magical guy I will just fail you again, like I have before. And I can't bear to do that."

"You sell yourself too short Ben Wheeler."

"Nobody thinks I'm good enough for you. Not my friends, not my mother...certainly not your mother."

"My mother _really_ does not have my best interests at heart on this issue. Ben you have to believe me, I am not doing this out of guilt, although I do feel guilty. I'm not doing this out of pity, although I do deeply care for you. I'm not doing this because I love Emma, although I do love Emma very much. I am doing this because I love you, and not only that, because in several absolutely vital areas, you are a better man than your brother." She then whispered into his ear. "Try not to gloat about that too much."

 _Now_ they embraced for what the others in the room found was an awkward period of time. "Do you forgive me for being a fool about Danny?"

"Yes. As long as you love me, I will forgive you anything. Except hurting Emma, which you'll never do. Do you forgive me about Angela?"

"Of course."

"We will probably drive each other completely crazy."

"I will probably regret this every day of my life."

"Not always. Not everything. I can promise you that."


	2. Chapter 2: Blue (and Red)

(This story is an alternate version of the previous chapter, right up until Bonnie sends Ben to help clean up the ceremony.)

After about half an hour of cleaning up, Ben was surprised by his father. "Hi dad."

"Well, this wasn't the best wedding that Bonnie could have had. Of course, our actual wedding wasn't much better. It's kind of hollow to say that I wish her the world. But in my own way I really do."

"I know that. I mean right now mom's too angry to care what you think, but ultimately she'll appreciate the thought. Anyway, it's nice to have you here."

"Thanks. Umm...well, I don't want to be nosy, but since it seems to have stopped your mother's remarriage right in its tracks, what's up with you and Riley?"

"We tried to date a couple of times, but it never really worked out."

"And you felt compelled to recommend her to your brother?"

"Well, it turns out that he's always loved her. So yeah."

"And he can't fight his own battles?"

"There's nothing wrong with giving him a little short cut."

"Huh. What happened that you felt you had to do this?"

Ben sighed. "Oh, I did a lot of stupid things. I slept with Angela again for a start."

"Who's Angela? Oh right, Emma's mother. Why did you do that?"

"Well I thought Riley was sleeping with an old boyfriend. She wasn't. But I was angry and stupid. And, hey, I enjoy sex and it doesn't take much for me to show really poor judgement in that area."

"Clearly you are my son. A Wheeler family tradition."

"I mean I thought she had forgiven me, when had gotten back together a few months ago. And of course I could understand her hating me for some time. And thanks to that I've lost her forever. Not to mention losing her for a large number of other reasons."

"That's a shame. Kind of sucks actually."

"Well, the important thing is to look towards the future, and not dwell on the past. It's just that today it's a little harder than I thought it would be."

"Actually Ben, the reason I came to talk to you was that I wanted to ask if I could take care of Emma for the night."

"Really? I mean, thanks for asking. But it's so late Emma isn't going to do anything but sleep."

"Is it wrong for me to want to look after my only grandchild?"

"Well if you wait two or three years, I'm sure Danny will change that."

"Regardless, let me take her off your hands for the evening."

"If you could bring her back to the apartment before noon, that would be great. I had some things planned in the park tomorrow."

So after bundling up a sleepy Emma to her grandfather, and finishing the last of the cleaning, Ben walked down to his apartment. "Shouldn't the others have found her by now?" he thought and checked his cell phone, only to find that it needed to be recharged. Terrific. He entered the apartment, and started undoing his tie as he opened the door into his bedroom. "Riley!?"

"Umm. Hi Ben!"

"What are you doing here?"

"Duh, I'm obviously hiding. Try to keep up Ben."

"And you assumed my bedroom would be the last place I would end up this evening?"

"Well...well. You say that it like it was obviously a stupid idea. And it's not. It's not stupid at all. I mean, Emma's not with you, and logically she should be here even more than you. So clearly it's perfectly rational for me to hide here." There was an increasingly awkward silence. "Where is Emma anyway?"

"With her grandfather."

"Ah. OK. Where are the others?"

"Aside from looking for you, I don't know. My cell phone isn't working." There was another silence, but Ben spoke up before it became _too_ awkward. "Look, I can use the landline to call them. We just have to make clear what we're going to tell them about the proposal. I'm assuming that marrying Danny may be premature, but you're going to start dating."

"Umm, that is...well sort of..I mean it's..."

"That is what you want isn't it?"

"Well...'want' is a complex word. Sometimes saying you 'want' something doesn't really get the nuances. That's the problem with you Ben. You want simple answers when there are so much more complex ones. I mean if you have a more complex understanding of want, a more nuanced understanding of nuance...I mean there's nuance, and there's want, and there's a whole world of understanding, and look at the time, and not everything is black and white, and the key thing Ben is not to jump to conclusions, and we don't talk enough about the wedding dinner..."

Ben stared at her. "Riley, that's just gibberish."

Riley took a breath. "Of course, me and Danny are going to get together. Everybody knows that! Everybody knows that's where we've been heading! Even you know, or even you know now. It's perfect, what could be better?! I'm just panicking a little! Because that's what I do when I get surprised, or things happens abruptly! All I have to do is think through the consequences of my panic, and think up a rational solution that Danny will appreciate and not be too upset over my panicking!"

"You've had an hour to think about that."

"No, Ben, I've had an hour to stop panicking. Jeez, Ben try to think."

"So I'll just call Danny, and tell him 'not right this minute, but ask again in a few months'?"

"No! No don't do that!"

"Umm, then I wait twenty minutes and then call Danny?"

"No, that's a bad idea!"

"Maybe I should go out and take a walk and leave you to think about this."

"I don't want you to go!"

"Do you want me to talk about this?"

"There's not really that much to talk about, is there?"

"Riley, we're beginning to run out of logical alternatives."

"Maybe, that's because you're not thinking through this clearly. Maybe you have your own agenda?"

"What agenda? I'm not a party to this proposal."

"Maybe you're not over me."

"I'm the one who pushed the two of you together! I've been doing this all day!"

"And you're probably getting tired of it."

"Riley, you're just being silly."

"Don't condescend to me!"

"Look, maybe you just need to sit down and relax a little. Maybe I could get you a drink." Ben walked over to the refrigerator.

"What do you have there?"

"There's a variety of juices and special recipes for Emma."

"Yeah, I'm not interested in those."

"There's some milk. There's a quarter of a bottle of some rather flat pop because I keep forgetting to put the cap on securely enough. There's some bottles of lite beer."

"Well, I'll have one of those I suppose."

"Fair enough." And Ben walked back to the bedroom and handed the beer and a bottle opener to Riley, who was sitting on the bed. He had one of his own, which he'd already opened. He sat down on the bed at a respectful distance from Riley, and they clinked their bottles. "Cheers," he said. They took a swig, rested quietly and after a minute or so, Riley took another sip. "Well, this is nice Ben."

"It's an improvement. Oh, I should probably get you a key."

"A key to what?"

"A key to your apartment. You keep locking yourself out. I presume that's why you didn't go back there."

"I have the key to my apartment."

"Where? Your dress doesn't have any pockets, and you don't have a purse or wallet. "

"It's right here." And she fished out a key from her bodice and showed it to Ben.

"Interesting. So when you decided to hide, why did you choose here?"

"Wouldn't you like to know?"

"Well, since you are sitting here and everyone is looking for you, I would like to know."

"You think I did it because I wanted to meet up with you?"

"Not really."

"Ben has a crush on a Riley! Ben has a crush on Riley!"

"OK, that's getting old."

"You want me so bad, it hurts!"

"Come on Riley, Teasing isn't your style."

"Yeah, you're right." Riley took another swig. "Where are the others even looking for me anyways?"

"Mom thought you might be either at a restaurant or a bar. So they're searching the area."

"Do you think something's happened to them?"

"No, I'm sure they're all right. Maybe they got sidetracked somehow. But they'd call and leave a message on the machine since Mom made it clear that I'd be back at the apartment putting Emma to sleep."

* * *

At that moment, Tucker had reached the all night ice cream palace when he was surprised to find Danny following him. "She's not at our bar, or at the other bars nearby." They both entered it. "Oh, I think we're in luck. Look there's Robyn and Ashley!"

"Your last two girlfriends?"

"Yes, they can help us!" He strode over to where the two were sitting together. "Hi girls, you remember me?"

"Oh we certainly do," said Robyn.

"Actually I was wondering if either of you have seen Riley? She's thin, with short blonde hair, and she's wearing..."

"We both know who she is. I work with her at the same law firm..."

"And I arranged the lease on her apartment."

"Great, then you can help us find her!"

"Why has she disappeared?" asked Robyn skeptically.

"Well about an hour ago I asked her to marry me..."

"You did what? We've only been apart for a month or so." Ashley pointed out. "You asked to marry her after only a month?"

"Oh no, it was much shorter than that. In fact we only really got together an hour ago."

"Wow, that is just incredible."

"I know. Isn't it lucky that the two of you are both here so that you can help us?"

"Danny, it's not really a matter of luck. I mean it was a coincidence that we both happened to see each other here. But now that we're both here, we've had the opportunity to talk about things."

"Oh, like what?"

"Well, you obviously," Robyn added impatiently.

"Oh really?"

"Danny," Tucker interrupted. "I don't think that's a good thing."

"Really? Oh right."

Just then Bonnie entered and quickly strode over to them. "There you two are! And I remember you two as well. I just can't remember right this minute which one of you I screwed over to gain an advantage with the other."

"And this search is just going to last longer and longer," moaned Tucker.

Suddenly two men in ski masks and sawed off shotguns burst in. "Don't anybody move! This is a robbery."

* * *

"Huh." Riley was tempted to finish her beer, but then considered tapping her fingers. "You say that teasing isn't really my style. But we teased each other all the time when we were kids. I jammed you into lockers, you made jokes about my weight."

"And that's probably that's why we're not together."

"What do you mean? We are together."

"I mean together as a couple. I mean I don't know why you ended up choosing Danny, because you didn't actually feel the need to tell me you were doing it. I'm sorry, that was snotty. But everyone's telling me now that he's always been in love with you. And that's why he deserves you. I only loved you when you lost all that weight and you reappeared into my life. So that's why you don't love me."

"Do you really think that?"

"It does fit the narrative of shallow Ben. And it's clear that I didn't really love you while in high school."

"You think that counts?"

"I'm suggesting that you think it counts. And right this moment, I'm not disagreeing with you."

"When you were at the wedding, you seemed like your heart was breaking."

"It was an impromptu speech. I didn't have time to think it over very clearly."

"It seemed to me like you still have feelings for me."

"I told you I had feelings for you earlier. But they're just that. Feelings. Over time, they'll cool down. They're not the real thing, not love. That's what you have and Danny have."

"Really? That seems a sweeping statement about two people who've never actually dated."

"It's what everyone thinks. It's the mature thing."

"You're acting on what Tucker and your mother think? Seriously, they are so not the poster people for romantic maturity. What about what I think? I told you that I loved you since you were children."

"You also told me that you wished my love into being, and that we were better off as friends. And that's probably the truth, or close enough to it."

"Is that what you really think?"

"I think I want the best for you. And since what you want is Danny the mature thing is to see the two of you together."

"I think you're lying, Ben. You always were an incredibly bad liar. I want you to look me right in my eyes, and tell me you don't have feelings for me."

"I just told you that I had feelings for you. That will pass."

"Then I want you to look into my eyes and tell me that you don't love me."

"Don't ask me to do that."

"Look into my eyes and tell me you don't love me."

"I've already answered you twice no while you've been sitting here."

"That's not exactly what I asked you. Look into my eyes and tell me you don't love me."

"Riley, please don't ask me again!"

"Why not?!"

"Because if you ask me again, I won't be able to stop myself from kissing you and holding you and doing a lot of other things that would be a really, really bad idea!" Riley was genuinely stunned. "Of course I still want you, and I'd grasp at any piece of hope you offered. But your hope is killing me Riley Perrin! It's just not enough by itself."

* * *

"You," said the first robber, who had thick glasses on, pointing to the vendor at the counter. "This is an ice cream parlor!"

"Yes it is."

"And ice cream is code for..."

"For ice cream."

"And for something else?"

"No, just ice cream."

"So there's no heroin here?"

"I certainly don't think so."

"So, there are million of dollars worth of bearer bonds here?"

"No, there isn't"

"Oh wait, I remember! Ice cream is code for ice, which is code for diamonds. So there must be lots of diamonds here!"

"There are no diamonds here."

"What about pistachio nuts?"

"We have pistachio ice cream, but I don't think we have pistachio nuts."

"But if you did have pistachio nuts, they'd be incredibly valuable on the open market."

"No, they wouldn't be."

"Hum." and the first robber pulled out a Portuguese/English _Guide to New York Vernacular_ from a sack on his shoulder. He leafed through it while at the same time carrying his shotgun in such a way to make it manifestly clear that he had never held a shotgun before in his life. "Antonio, this might be like that fiasco at the diamond exchange when the seller convinced us that all his jewelry was actually worthless."

Sitting several tables away Tucker whispered to the others. "I don't think these are the smartest or most experienced robbers. I think that if someone who was reasonably clever and brave tried to talk them we could convince them to give up." The others all nodded and looked at him.

"You mean me? Why should I have to do it? Robyn is a big shot lawyer. It's her job to be glib and charming to people. She should go first."

Robyn was startled by this, but felt compelled to get up. "Umm, excuse me, maybe I could help you." She walked over a few steps and then fainted dead away, so that Danny had to race over to catch her before she hit the floor.

"Antonio" pointed to the table where the other three were. "One of you! Come over here right now!"

* * *

The two awkwardly moved away from each other while still sitting on the bed. They didn't look at each other for some time. Then Riley spoke. "So earlier this month, before you knew about Danny and me, you still wanted to get back together with me."

"A week ago, I thought I was deeply in love with you. So yeah basically."

"How did you intend to go about doing this?"

"I actually thought I would go slowly."

"Yeah, right. Ben, your idea of going slow is to wait until the end of the date to have sex."

"Actually I thought I would dance with you after Mom's wedding. It's not odd to dance with one's friends at a wedding."

"Then what?"

"Then nothing immediately. But I did think that next week that sometime when you were watching Emma while I was at work, I'd find a way to get out early. Then I could spend some time with you and Emma. I was thinking of this ice cream place, where for all I know everyone may be there looking for you. I mean you're not entirely comfortable with the idea, but I thought that while spoon-feeding Emma I could offer you a spoonful. And you'd reject this at first, and I'd still offer it, and then I might not offer it, but then eventually you'd let me feed it into your mouth."

"Oh." and now Riley was looking at Ben. "Then what?"

"Well, I was looking at a website of great romantic movies, and I noticed that one of them, 'Jules and Jim,' was playing at a revival theatre the Tuesday of next week. And I thought we could go see it."

"Umm. That's a good choice, although are you aware that at the end of the movie Jeanne Moreau kills herself and her lover by driving her car off a bridge?"

"Aah. On the one hand it sucks that I know how it ends, and on the other hand if it ends that way I'm actually more interested in seeing it. But anyway, that was as far I had gotten before I learned you were actually in love in Danny and this wasn't actually going to work. But the general idea was that we would spend more time together doing vaguely romantic but arguably deniable things while I was waiting a decent period for you to get over Ross."

"And when did you intend on actually hitting on me?"

"Actually, the idea was that once you realized that you were still in love in me, you would take the initiative."

"Well, that was actually a rather subtle strategy."

"Well, I thought time was on my side."

"You know if you had actually tried that it would have been very hard to resist." The two were now staring at each other. "Very hard to resist." And the two moved closer and started to kiss. Slowly, Ben and Riley moved closer, ready to embrace. Then they abruptly moved apart. "Oh my God, this is a horrible idea," declared Ben.

"Oh God, you must think I'm a slut."

"What, no. No, no, not at all. I mean I was thinking this was unfair to Danny." And he moved closer to console Riley. "You are not a bad person because you're confused or divided or hesitant. And you're definitely not a bad person because you don't trust me, because God knows I don't make it easy." And they kissed again, but then Riley got up again. "No, this is still a horrible idea!" She took a deep breath, and then another, and then started to hyperventilate.

"Riley?"

With an effort Riley calmed down slightly. "Do you know what will happen if we keep doing what we're doing? We won't be getting back together. We will be having sex. And then Danny will find out, and not only will that ruin everything I have with him, it will ruin everything you have with him, and doing that will ruin everything we have with each other. So we have to stop this _right now_ , and we make sure we _never_ do this again."

"Never?"

"Absolutely. You just a minute ago this would be unfair to Danny. And it would be. But not only would it be unfair to do this when Danny's away, it would be unfair to even think about doing it. It's not simply a matter of waiting for Danny to come back and calmly discussing it. As long as there's any chance of it happening, the same problem will happen if we're ever alone for more than five minutes. And since all three of us live within a couple hundred feet of each other, that will happen. Stopping this is the right thing to do."

"What if it isn't?"

"What?"

"What if it isn't? What if _this_ is what is meant to happen? What if this is the moment that we've been waiting for all our lives to happen? What if this is the moment that keeps being delayed by silly little things, but we should seize when it presents itself? What if your feelings for me are the real thing, and Danny's feelings are the childhood crush, and not the other way around? What if I'm not supposed to bring you and Danny together, but to be the best man for you I can be, and find some other way to square things with Danny?" Riley stared at Ben and it seemed as if her heart would melt with desire. But then...

"No, this is too convenient!"

"Actually, this really isn't."

"We keep thinking about how wonderful it would be if we got back together. But we keep forgetting the reasons why we broke up in the first place. You've known me all my life but you don't actually know me."

"Look, I know I'm not perfect! In fact, I know I'm wildly imperfect. And right this moment, I am probably not thinking through anything at all well. But love isn't something you get once you're stable and well adjusted and perfect. Love is something you need to become a better person..."

"But that's not the point. All the things you should know about me, you don't know about me, but Danny does. Isn't that the reason I should be with him?"

There was a silence. "I don't know everything, and there's more I've forgotten. But I'd like to think I know enough." Riley clearly wasn't convinced. Ben paced awkwardly, and struck Emma's crib with his fist in frustration. "Look, there's nothing preventing you from using the landline and calling Danny. Or calling Tucker or Mom or your own mom if you think they could help. And if you've forgotten the number I will call Danny myself. It's just that right this moment, I really really _really_ would prefer not to."

"I need a moment to think."

"Take as much time as you like."

"Could you take the beer bottles away? They're distracting me."

"Sure." He picked up the bottles. "Would you like another beer perhaps? There may be some coffee around..." But then Riley slammed the bedroom door shut behind him and locked it.

"Riley? Riley open the door. Seriously Riley, you cannot lock yourself in my bedroom." There was no response on the other side.

* * *

"Oh no, he's pointing at me. I don't want to risk being killed!" whimpered Tucker.

"Oh, stop being a baby. If you can't man up, I'll do it." said Bonnie.

"I said I didn't want to risk being killed. I didn't say I wanted to be certainly killed because of what 'Mrs. Tact and Sensitivity' did." And Tucker walked over to the robbers. "Hi, I don't think you quite know how ice cream parlors work."

The first robber with the glasses nodded. "Yes, there is apparently not nearly as much money as we thought we there would be. But it occurs to me that ice cream is very popular in the United States so there should still be a lot of money here."

Tucker winced. "There are at least three problems with that. First off, people do not usually spend more than ten dollars on ice cream at a time. Second, as you can see on your right, much of the money goes into a cash safe that the workers here not have access to. Third, people increasingly use Interact to pay for things, not cash."

"Oh. That's so disappointing."

"Yes, so maybe you should put those loaded shotguns and not worry these nice people."

"Oh, these shotguns are not loaded."

"They're not loaded?"

"Well, I assume they're not loaded."

"What do you mean you _assume_ they're not loaded?"

"Well, surely it would be irresponsible to sell weapons that were loaded. Particularly since they can go off so easily. See, let me shake this." As it happened the shotgun was very much loaded and made a large hole in the ceiling. The first robber dropped it, when it went off again. "Good grief, that's incredibly dangerous. What kind of country allows people to go around carrying loaded weapons?" Antonio was also surprised, and completely didn't notice Danny coming up to him and knocking him unconscious.

"Danny, you saved us all!" shouted Ashley.

"Yes, please don't mention the man who just had a shotgun fired a foot from him." added Tucker. It was at that moment the police entered, and asked the customers to come down to the station to provide witness statements.

"Kaufmann," Ashley told Danny as they all followed the police.

"What?"

"My last name. One f, two ns."

"Oh thanks, but I don't think I'll need it."

"That's one f and two ns?" asked Tucker.

* * *

"OK, you clearly can lock yourself in my bedroom. But it's not a good idea. I mean at some point this evening Danny and Tucker are going to come home."

"Then you are going to be quick about this. You have five minutes."

"Five minutes to do what?"

"Five minutes to tell me an important fact about me that Danny doesn't know. If you do, I will unlock this door and we will do...whatever we find mutually acceptable. If not, you are out of luck, and we are never anything more than friends."

"Ummm, okay. You have a birthmark shaped like a half-moon on the top of your right thigh."

"Eew, that's not an important fact. That just means you saw me naked once. And it's near my navel."

"But it is _a_ fact."

"It's not good enough!"

"You can't just change the rules like that!"

"My body, my rules! Deal with it!"

"OK, you have an irrational fear of boa constrictors."

"First off, it's not an irrational fear: boa constrictors can kill you. Secondly, it's not an important fact, since we're not likely to see many of them in New York."

"You had a major panic attack when we took Emma to the zoo. You frightened her than more than any of the animals!"

"Doesn't count. Think of something else!"

"Ok...let me think. What's something important?"

"Time's ticking Wheeler."

"Oh, when you were ten you had a stuffed toy tiger that you hid in your desk to help you get through the day."

"It was a stuffed toy panda, and Danny won it for me at a carnival."

"Oh, crap. Umm, you can't stand begonias?"

"No, my sister's allergic to them. I'm largely indifferent to them."

"Look this is silly, I can't do this under pressure."

"You have to focus Ben. You have to give me a reason to love you."

"Oh, I know. You found out I'd has sex with Mary Greckel in Grade 10, and that's the reason you deliberately poured mayonnaise into her hair."

"Everyone in the lunchroom saw that, including Danny."

"Umm, two years earlier instead of jamming me into a locker, you wrapped me with the badminton nets and pushed me into the school pool. I could have drowned had there actually been water in it."

"Can't you think of something that doesn't show us as mortal enemies?"

"When you were eight you told me that you were going to be a ballerina and I laughed so hard I fell out of our treehouse."

"Perhaps you could not allude to my old weight problem."

"Oh, I know, when you were thirteen, you were caught in a rainstorm and came down with pneumonia. And I brought you some you marigolds."

"Actually Danny convinced your mother to buy some lilies. Your idea of a get well gift were some comic books. As it turned out, I'm not really a fan of Teenage Ninja Mutant Turtles"

"Oh damn. Wait. In Grade 11 mom had baked this ridiculous ornate chocolate cake for some reason or another, and you couldn't help yourself, and you ended up eating half the cake. And mom was absolutely furious and rather than see you punished I said it was my fault, except that Mom had already seen you with a big smudge of chocolate on your face, so it turns out I couldn't actually do anything... Oh good grief. Wait, I've got it. I've actually got it. One evening, when Danny was at a hockey training camp in Minnesota, you and me watched this black and white movie about a trial. And you liked it so much that it inspired you to become a lawyer!"

"You have to be more specific Wheeler."

"OK, what's the title, what's the title, what the title! Oh I know, it's _Anatomy of a Murder._ It was directed by Stanley Kubrick."

"It's Otto Preminger!"

"And it stars Gary Cooper as the lawyer."

"It's James Stewart!"

"And it had Robert Duvall as the prosecutor."

"It was George C. Scott!"

"Look it's not my favorite movie, it's one of yours."

"But Danny knows I love that movie."

"How?"

"I asked him to get it for me last Christmas and he did."

"Oh. What did I get you?"

"A book on the Supreme Court I pointed out to you at a bookstore."

"Oh. OK, gotta think, gotta think, gotta think..."

"15 seconds, Wheeler!"

"Umm...you never wear bikinis, only one piece suits. You actually like broccoli. You also really like Arbor Day."

"Ten seconds!"

"Your favorite musical is 'West Side Story.' Your blood pressure is too high to give blood."

"Five seconds!"

"Oh wait, now I've got it. Yes, this will actually work. Riley, when you were fifteen..."

"Time's up."

"What?" There was no response on the other side. "Riley? Riley?" Ben knocked on the door, but there was still no response. "Riley, please. Please listen to me. Please?" Ben waited for a response, but could hear nothing. He waited for a few seconds, then ten, then fifteen. "Riley, please listen to me. Riley?" He still couldn't hear anything.

Ben slowly sunk to the floor. "Riley, I don't know what to say. I don't even know if you're listening. Hell I've never had to listen to my own bedroom before. I don't know why you ever in love with me when Danny was always there for you. And apparently nobody else does too, or thinks you should. But there must be some reason. Maybe it has something to do with when you were fifteen, and you came over and you wondered if Danny could teach you to dance. But Danny never learned how to dance: given a choice between hockey, making sure he passed high school math and dancing, Mom just sort of assumed that some girlfriend would teach him. So you asked me, and first we used some of Mom's Bon Jovi records. But you didn't really like them, and so we moved on to a copy of Rumours, and we played 'Second Hand News' for twenty minutes until you actually were able to dance a few steps..."

There was a clicking sound, and then a rattling noise. Ben got up when he realized Riley was trying to open the door. This actually took a little work, since it wasn't usually meant to be locked. She pounded the door with her first and then opened up. She had been silently crying, so Ben took out the handkerchief from his suit jacket and wiped her eyes.

She smiled at him. "Next time, lead with that."

They embraced. Ben entered his bedroom and closed the door behind him.

* * *

In the morning, Tucker was half-dressed figuring what out what he would have for breakfast, while Danny was getting out of the bathroom. But just then Bonnie burst in with Brad behind her. "Where is that ungrateful idiot? I make her my maid of honor, and this is how you miserable delinquents repay me!"

Tucker was getting some cereal. "Actually, I don't think she wanted to be a maid of the honor in the first place."

"That's irrelevant. Where could have she have gone? If she's not here, she must have found some way to go to New Jersey."

But just then Mrs. Perrin entered. "Bonnie," she said coldly.

"Jennifer," Bonnie replied equally coldly. "And what are you doing here?"

"Someone tweeted that my daughter ran off and got married last night to one of your boys." Right behind her was her other daughter, Rebecca who was a couple of years younger than Riley, was actually her cousin not her sister, was taller, blonder and more attractive.

"No," answered Tucker, "what happened is that Danny proposed marriage, and she ran away."

"But she isn't with you?" asked Danny.

"No, not at all."

"Hi," Tucker introduced himself to Rebecca with all the suave and sophistication possible for a man holding a bowl of corn flakes in his hand. "You must be the sister that Riley, despite her omnipresence in our lives, has told us surprisingly little about."

"Where's your idiot brother?" Bonnie asked Danny

"Actually I remember him saying he had plans about doing something with Emma today." said Tucker. But just then Ray walked in carrying Emma. "Well there goes that theory." muttered Bonnie. "What are _you_ doing here? Did you come here to gloat?"

"No, I came to return my granddaughter."

Just then three lawyers from Riley's firm entered. One was Robyn, there was an older woman and a smug, supercilious older man who was clearly in charge. "My name in Vincent Harcourt. I believe you all know one of the lawyers in my firm named Riley Perrin. And I thought today that this would be an excellent opportunity for a performance evaluation."

"On a Sunday? In the apartment that she doesn't actually live in?" sneered Bonnie.

"Look, I don't know what's going on, but I am going to finish getting dressed." said Tucker as he left for his own room.

"I think I hear something" noted the older female lawyer.

"Really?" asked Ray. "I just hear a lot of chattering."

"I hear something too," said Mrs. Perrin. "It's near the bedrooms."

"I think it's Riley," realized Rebecca.

"That's ridiculous." Danny proclaimed. "Why would she be in our bedrooms?"

Harcourt moved to Ben's bedroom door, followed by the other two lawyers and the Perrins. "Yes, I can definitely hear something in this room."

"Why are we all whispering?" asked Brad as he approached them.

"Hey," said Tucker returning from his own room, "Why are you all standing in the hallway? I can't get through."

"I need to get closer!" sniped Mrs. Perrin.

"Get out of the way and let me through!" snapped Bonnie.

"OK, now I'm just getting crushed." complained Tucker.

"Umm, Ben I don't know if you can hear me, but I have Emma here." Ray said.

But the result of nine people jammed in a very confined space led abruptly to the door opening and several people spilling inside to see Ben and Riley naked and embracing each other. Riley screamed and covered her breasts while Ben chivalrously, if not entirely effectively, covered her thighs with the pillow.

"All right," as Tucker got up, "Danny this looks pretty much like a no." He looked at Riley. "You are saying no, right?" Riley nodded.

"Ben! What the hell is wrong with you! Your brother proposes to Riley and you end up in bed with her? I raised you better than that!"

"No, you didn't actually," muttered Mrs. Perrin.

"Shut up Jennifer. And you couldn't be under the sheets for God's sake?"

"IT'S AUGUST MOM! IN MANHATTAN!"

"Well, at least you're wearing a condom. Thank the lord for small mercies."

"Tucker!" Ben yelled, and eyed Emma's crib.

"Oh right, you probably want these." And Tucker threw a sheet or two from the crib so that Ben and Riley could be slightly less embarrassed.

Now it was Mrs. Perrin's turn. "Riley what is the matter with you? I mean I wasn't enthusiastic about the giant here, but he's obviously a better choice than this loser here."

"I bet you don't remember me at all." interrupted Rebecca.

"Of course I do," said Ben. "You're Riley's sister."

"Riley this is so stupid of you. I mean this guy is a loser. Danny by contrast is dumber than a wall of bricks. But he's probably great in the sack and he's much richer, and if it doesn't work out you could really screw him in divorce proceedings."

"Excuse me?" said Tucker.

"Look Riley, I didn't approve of you being with your boss at your law firm..." interrupted Mrs. Perrin.

"Actually I think it was a great idea," interrupted Rebecca. "You showed initiative, and a certain Machiavellian cunning."

"That's not what I did at all!" Riley meekly protested.

"Then it's what you should have done. I mean you can't use your body to make things easier for you forever, especially not the way you look. It's certainly the best way to manipulate your law firm."

"Maybe it's just me," Tucker said, "But maybe you shouldn't say that right in front of her fellow employees."

"Yes," affirmed Harcourt, "I have no idea of who this person is, or what your relationship with him is, but I find it alarmingly unprofessional."

"Why?" asked Ben. "Do significant others have to loan large sum of money to the firm?"

"Why no, not at all. What an absurd notion," responded Harcourt quite unconvincingly.

"Are you _tweeting_ this?" Tucker asked Rebecca.

"Do you know a better way of telling everyone about my sister's stupid hook-ups?"

"Umm, Ben is hardly a 'random stranger.' She's known Ben all her life."

"That's a minor detail."

"Omigod, I've only known you for five minutes and you are the worst sister ever!"

Now everyone started talking at once. "Riley, as your mother this is an incredibly bad idea..."

"Ben, Emma actually needs a few things, so if you could..."

"Shame about this maid of honor dress..." rued Brad.

"Ben, as your mother, the worst thing is how you treated your brother. You have no consideration of his feelings..."

"Good Lord, Riley," muttered Robyn vindictively. "I thought you were so lame you couldn't sleep with anyone, but now..."

"WOULD EVERYONE BE QUIET?!" yelled Ben. "Dad, some of Emma's things are in the top drawer of the dresser by the crib." Ray awkwardly moved through the crowd to the drawer while Ben continued. "Everyone else leave. We'll be dressed in five minutes, then Riley will go back to her apartment and get in some ordinary clothes."

"It takes you five minutes to get dressed?" sneered Rebecca.

"EVERYONE OUT NOW!" And with varying degrees of enthusiasm they did. Ben reached over to the dress and handed it to Riley. "Have you seen my underwear? It better be in one piece, Ben."

"Let me think... Oh yeah, I distinctly recall you removing it yourself."

"God, this is a nightmare. All our friends and family catching us naked together. This is the worst thing that could have possibly happened."

"Really? I don't think so."

"How can you say that Ben?"

"Well first, the everybody catching us naked is not actually our fault. They burst _into_ my room, where I actually have a reasonable expectation of privacy. Second, we've already both been seen naked by everyone before. This time we actually got to have sex, so this way we come out ahead."

"That's true."

"Look, how the others think of us isn't the problem. Squaring things over with Danny, now _that_ is going to be murder."

They dressed silently for a few moments. "Oh, here's your underwear," and he tossed it to Riley.

"Ben, you don't like parsnips do you?"

"I actually have no strong opinions about them."

"Really?"

"No, it's turnips I don't like. I remember being at dinner at your home once, and finding what your mother cooked really repulsive."

"OK, you do know that my mother is an infinitely better cook than I will ever be. The point is that next time, if you could be a little slower, and perhaps think about turnips for a couple of minutes..."

And then she kissed him.


	3. Chapter 3: Blue (and Black)

Two variations in this chapter, in each case Ben fights for Riley. After that future chapters will focus on them being together.

(a) The shorter version starts with Ben's speech at the wedding.

"Here's the thing about this love story that's so amazing. Despite all its twists and turns, it has endured for almost 20 years."

"Who is he talking about?" asked Brad.

Fatally, Bonnie interrupted a few seconds early. "Ben, what are you doing?'

"I'm sorry, Mom, I just need a minute."

"You need a minute now?"

"As I was saying," Ben started to talk again. "As I was saying... As I was saying..." He then looked at this brother, and then looked back at Riley, just a little longer. "I'm sorry, but I'm being an idiot."

"Excuse me?" asked his impatient mother.

"I was just about to argue that Danny and Riley belong together. That I should make sure they stay together."

"And that's a very fine and mature thing to do," hissed Bonnie, "but couldn't you do it, I don't know, ten minutes from now? Maybe five?"

"And then I realized that this may be the stupidest thing I've ever done." Ben looked over at this brother, and saw the hope in his eyes replaced by confusion. "And now I'm about to do something even more stupid."

"More stupid than ruining my wedding?"

"Oh yes."

'Something more stupid than having a child out of wedlock with someone you barely know?" asked Charlotte.

"Oh, much more stupid than that, I can assure you." and Ben turned to Riley and walked over to her. "What I am about to do may completely destroy my relationship with two of the closest people in the world to me, while ensuring the contempt of everyone else who knows me. A few months ago I said I didn't know how to deal with this exact situation, and I really haven't thought of any better ideas since then. But I have to try something." And then he leaned over and gave Riley a long, deep kiss.

There was silence after that, and then Riley gave Ben the most desultory slap in her entire life. Immediately afterwards, Bonnie whapped her son hard: "BENJAMIN WHEELER, WHAT IS THE MATTER WITH YOU?!" Ignoring his mother Ben turned again to Riley. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. If it is your destiny to be with Danny, then I can never apologize enough for standing in your way. But before you spend the rest of your life with my brother, please, please give me a couple of minutes to say goodbye. Or, more accurately, a couple of minutes to say why we shouldn't say goodbye at all."

There was a pause, actually a lot briefer than it appeared at the time. "I'm listening."

'Riley, Danny, for the past two months or so, you have been a hundred feet from each other and a twenty minute conversation about resolving your differences with each other so that you can live the rest of your lives together in true love. So why haven't you? If you are so meant to be together, why is this taking so long, and why do you need me to help you?"

Danny realized that something very, very wrong was about to happen, that the oldest hope of his life could be extinguished in a matter of minutes. "It's complicated." he almost stuttered. "I was hurt when Riley said she knew of my feelings for at least a year and only acted now."

"And you just had to stand on your pride, while both of you started seeing other people? Danny, Mom isn't that stubborn."

"No, you can't talk your way out of this. Riley, you can't believe him."

"Danny, you say you've loved her for twenty years. What kind of love requires twenty years for you to tell her? It's not just because Riley was occupied or you were occupied, or because you had so much concern for my feelings. You had opportunities. And if takes you twenty years to do that, if you can't make the simplest gestures to try to get her, if you are only going to act if everything is perfect, and if you are not willing to make any sacrifices to get her, maybe you don't really love her at all." Ben was a bit shocked at his own boldness, but he continued. "Maybe you only think you do. And maybe you don't deserve her at all."

Danny was shocked, and in his speechlessness desperately tried to think of some reply. Ben turned to Riley. "Riley, I am so sorry that I was ever mean or cruel or stupid to you as a child. And I so wish I could change that. But you are not an isolated teenager who needs the best big brother in the world to make everything safe. You are a grown woman who needs someone who is willing to act for you, who is willing to go the distance for you, who is willing to fight for you, even if what I do is incredibly stupid and dangerous. Listen, on the evening I made a fool of myself thinking Fitch was married when he was actually a widower, he told me..." But just then Bonnie loudly interrupted everything. "This is it! This is a sign! These delinquents have ruined everything, especially you Ben! Brad do you want to call this off and try this some other time?"

The wedding collapsed into confusion. But then Danny spoke up. "We can still have a wedding! Ben, you say I never do anything. Well now I'm doing everything. Riley, I always knew we'd end up here. You're in a dress, I'm in tux." He got down on one knee. "Riley Perrin, will you make me the happiest man alive by marrying me?"

There was a silence, as everyone was shocked by this turn of events. It seemed to last forever, considerably longer than the breadth of a commercial break it actually was. Riley started crying. "Could somebody hand me a handkerchief?" Ben, Brad and Danny all whipped out theirs. "Thank you Mr. Sofianopoulous," she said as she took Brad's and wiped her tears away. She composed herself and smiled. Then she took another deep breath and smiled for real. "Yes." And she then looked to Danny. "But not to you."

"What?"

"I'm sorry Danny. The _idea_ of being married to your closest friend is wonderful. The _fantasy_ of being the wife of someone as strong and handsome and sweet as you is remarkable. Indeed, the wet dream of sleeping with you would be amazing. But the reality of us as lovers just doesn't work. Ben's right: we're acting like twelve year olds."

She then turned to Ben. "However, Benjamin Bon Jovi Wheeler, I would be very, very happy to marry you." She made a step closer to him. "There is no shortage of reasons why that would be a bad idea. But right this moment I don't care." And they embraced.

"I really had no reason to think that would possibly work."

"You are aware Riley," interrupted Tucker, "that Ben hasn't actually proposed to you."

"Don't worry. We can wait."

(b) The longer version starts immediately after Bonnie's talk to Danny at the beginning of the episode.

"Just a minute, Mom. We're not finished."

"Excuse me?"

Ben got up to the entrance of his room, as his mother stood just outside. "We're not finished. I'm not 16 anymore, and this isn't an issue where you can just lay down the law, and I have to take it."

"Ben, I simply do not have the time this weekend to argue with your immaturity."

"Don't worry. This won't take long. I just have three points to make. First, you say Danny was 100% supportive behind me. I'm not so sure. Let's try an analogy. Your first marriage ended in divorce because Dad was gay. But for a long time before that Dad did not know he was gay. For the many tense, uncomfortable and unpleasant years that was the case when Dad was not consciously making you unhappy by openly preferring a different gender to you, would you say he was '100% supportive?'"

Bonnie quickly moved from shock to indignation. "Oh, you are so out of line."

"Really? Then you'll like my second point even less. Perhaps you could tell me what it is about your relationship with Brad that allows you to be so confident in judging my love life. Let's see, lying about your age, making passes at Brad's father, splitting him from his fiancee, whining over your engagement ring, one could just go on and on. Oh and asking me to 'get over it.' When have you got over anything gracefully? When have you ever just submitted or given up because it would be convenient for other people?"

Bonnie was only momentarily speechless, but she was absolutely livid.

"Third and finally. Not only do you and Danny not get to tell me what I should and shouldn't feel for Riley, Riley's love isn't like a pinball machine. You think that when it comes up 'Ben and Riley' it means play again, and when it comes up 'Riley and Danny' it means game over. Well it doesn't. So you can go tell your favorite son that not only am I going to fight for Riley, I am going to win her. I am going to win her, because I actually am the better man for her! And you can also tell Danny that Riley Perrin's children are going to be _my_ children, and they are going to be Emma's brothers or sisters! And now we're done!" And he shut the door in Bonnie's face.

After a few seconds in which Bonnie did not yell at her son or force her way into the bedroom, Ben moved back towards his bed and collapsed on it.

Ok, that's fifty points for masculine bravado, and minus a thousand points for basic common sense. Not to mention acting like Al Pacino at the end of _The Godfather_ , not the most romantic of references. Now I just have to hope that Mom doesn't tell Danny or Riley or both. Of course, if this all blows up in my face she'll be gloating for months, possibly for years, and conceivably for the rest of my life. Now let's look at the problem. You have to win back someone who probably no longer loves you, and is probably in love with somebody else. Not only that, but that somebody else is your own brother, who among his many virtues is not only taller, stronger, richer and more handsome than you, but is actually Riley's closest friend, and actually knows more about her than you do. Moreover, he has never actually had any trouble attracting women he's wanted. My only advantage is that I am more intelligent than he is. But I'm not _really_ that much more intelligent and indeed whenever I try to be seductive or romantic I usually screw up badly. So how did I even temporarily win her in the past? Oh right, she was already in love with me, which I can't count on now. Moreover, I don't have any friends who will help me. And since it's reasonable to assume that Danny will do something at or just after the wedding, I only have a finite amount of time to think up an incredibly clever plan. And this incredibly clever plan not only has to succeed, but also not leave Danny hating me for the rest of my life. So, no pressure.

Fortunately for Ben, the next day Bonnie was too busy about the resignation of her wedding planner to chastise him or even pay that much attention to him. And since there was now even more things to do for the wedding in a very short time, Ben realized this would be the perfect opportunity to spend some time alone with Riley running assorted errands. This actually worked out fairly well, as they ran about the neighborhood doing various odds and ends. "This is nice," Riley commented. "We've been alone for an hour and you haven't tried to hit on me, or make any inappropriate gestures."

"Yes, about that...Riley, a few days ago Danny not only told me that he had always been in love with you, but he led me to believe that in fact you've had feelings for him for months. I had thought I was wrong about that, because nothing had been happening between the two of you since we broke up. But it appears _that_ was what I was wrong about."

Riley gasped. "Oh, God." She paced a few steps. "Ben, it's complicated."

"Complicated how? I know this is awkward, but making a fool of myself under false pretenses can't be good for either of us in the long run."

Riley nodded grimly. "When we broke up after Danny's appearance on 'General Hospital,' I wasn't consciously in love with him. So I was upset that you thought I did. But unconsciously I may have been developing feelings for him..." Ben winced painfully and was glad Riley wasn't directly looking at him that moment. "And then over the next few weeks, those feelings developed more. I think I first realized I had them when I set Danny up with Robyn and immediately regretted it." And then she talked about how she tried to express her feelings to Danny at the hockey game. "And he completely freaked out on me, so I'm not gonna put myself out there like that again. So there's probably not going to be a Danny and me. You probably think I'm a horrible person for not telling you."

"Well, to be honest, if you're going to tell your grandchildren the virtue of being frank and forthright, I wouldn't lead with this."

"Would you have bothered to come to New Jersey if you knew how I felt about Danny?"

"Probably. Actually definitely." I mean you pushed me off a roof and I still love you. I just don't know how to get you to love me. "Well the important thing, is that we know where we stand." Yes, a vaguely positive cliché while I try to think of something better.

As it happened, Bonnie had new tasks that involved Ben leaving Riley to do them. On the plus side, it appeared that Riley and Danny did not have an undying love that was only delayed by his own selfish obtuseness in recognizing its existence. It appeared that Danny had his own way of screwing things up. One possible strategy was simply to keep this up. But this didn't really get to the core of the problem. At same point Riley had to Get Past Danny, much in the same way that they had both had to Get Past Naked, only successfully and not an embarrassing fiasco. Which meant that he had to talk to Danny.

(A couple of conversations and two unsuccessful romantic rendezvous not utterly unlike the season finale later.)

"All right, let me just get this right." Ben and Danny were in their apartment suited up for the wedding that would start in a hour. Riley was dressed in her maid of honor dress and was still sulking over the fiasco of their last attempt to meet up. "For the past couple of months, the two of you have been a couple of hundred of feet from each other and a twenty minute conversation from resolving your differences."

"Ben, that makes me sound like a stubborn idiot." protested Danny.

"Danny, relax. As I've told you earlier today I'm on your side."

"So what should I be doing differently? I mean it was your idea that we meet here. Perhaps I should make some romantic gesture."

"Actually," interrupted Riley, "I'm not interested in either gestures or romance."

"I was thinking of something a bit different," said Ben.

"So you're thinking of some new way of my getting Riley?"

"Actually," and here Ben paused slightly as he thought his next step. "I'm thinking this may be a good reason to stop pursuing her at all."

"What? Then how would I get her?"

"You wouldn't." Ben paused. I probably should have thought what comes next more carefully. But here goes nothing. "Instead, I would."

"What? Ben, you said were on your my side!"

"And I am. Today, you are the best of friends, and after today you will still be the best of friends." Danny and Riley were clearly unconvinced. "I said I was on your side Danny. That didn't mean I stopped being on mine."

"Oh joy," muttered Riley. "Now, I've got two unwanted suitors. Well, this just seems wonderfully unfun, and while you two squabble among yourselves, I think I'll leave."

"Just a minute," Ben said as Riley got up to leave. "For the past few months all three of us have been dancing around the subject, waiting for the right moment, hoping for something better, not being sure what the others think, and generally muddling around. We can't go on like this. Now that we all know where we stand, we have to talk the issue out. We have to be frank with each other."

"Fine. You tell me you're still interested in me. Well, I'm not interested in you. Goodbye."

"I don't believe you."

"You don't believe I don't love you?"

"Oh it's quite possible that you don't love me. Even overwhelmingly probable, actually. What I don't believe is that you'll leave just this minute."

"Why not?"

"Because I'm still your friend and I'm asking you to say for just a little longer while I talk to you. Please, I promise I won't be more than a few minutes."

Riley frowned, and then sat down again. "Fine. You have some magic plan to convince me to fall back in love with you?"

"I've never been able to convince a woman to do something against her will. I'm not going to start succeeding now."

"There's still nothing between the two of you." interjected Danny. "You can't win, Ben. You're just making everyone miserable, especially you."

"I'm not so sure of that."

"Really, you think I still love you?" asked Riley with mild contempt.

"I know you don't trust me. I know that's the problem. You think I'll break your heart. And that's why you're attracted to Danny. Or at least to the idea of someone you've always been able to rely on. But please think through this carefully. You think I'll fail you and betray you. I don't believe you would deliberately break my heart, but you might do so, if you keep evading the choices."

"If she should make a choice, then she should choose me." declared Danny. "Because you only wanted her when she lost weight and she re-entered out lives. I've loved her all my life, and would never hurt her, while despite all your talk you're still an immature screw-up who would hurt her again and again. You don't deserve her!"

"You say that you love her..."

"Oh, you are in no position to doubt me..."

"You say that you've loved her for twenty years. Why couldn't you have told her that before I fell in love with her?" Ben snapped. "I'm sorry, that's not helpful."

"And you should have known how I felt about Riley. You were just being, what's the term Riley, deliberately ignorant."

"It's actually willful blindness." Riley noted.

"That's it! I mean take the time when I had Riley's name tattooed on my wrist instead of Amy's. That should have told you everything."

"No, it just told me that you do stupid things when you're drunk." replied Ben.

"Yeah, but isn't there a saying, in vino Veritas?"

"Danny, last week you married our future stepfather in Las Vegas. So for your sake, let's hope not."

"That doesn't change the fact that you are a shallow womanizer who doesn't know what love is."

"Look, I don't deny that I've been stupid and selfish and I didn't even know what I was looking for. But you're the one who says you've had the eternal and undying love while you've dated a dozen or two women in the last decade none of who were named Riley Perrin." OK, I'm really irritated at Danny for having it both ways about the perfectly unselfish love I'm supposedly not worthy to grovel before, while having the wonderfully active sex life, but let's not burn down all our bridges behind us.

Just then Riley spoke up. "Can I add something to this conversation, since I am supposedly the subject of it?"

"Oh, of course yes." agreed Ben.

"Remember my friend Heather, or should I say my 'friend' Heather? You ended up flirting with her Danny, and you ended up sleeping with her Ben." The brothers acknowledged this with considerable embarrassment. "What I remember from this episode, from which neither come out looking very well, is that after Ben slept with Heather, we made a bet over whether he could have another date with her. Finding out very quickly that Heather only slept with him to spite me, he tried to win her over by insincerely saying that he truly loved her. As it happened, it was easy to completely counter this by my insincerely saying I truly loved him. So he lost the bet, and as a consequence I publically humiliated him. Before that happened, I tried to show Heather how wonderful my life was by having Danny pretending to be a stranger saying how much he loved me. This should have been easy for you Danny, since you supposedly always loved me. But a few flirtatious comments from Heather, and your role as my secret admirer fell apart."

There was a brief silence as the brothers waited for Riley to continue, and then Danny spoke, "Look, we've all made decisions that we've regretted. But if I could go back ten years to high school and tell you that I loved you and loved only you, I would do so and never look at another woman." He turned to Ben. "And _that's_ the difference between you and me. Can you say with a straight face that you would do the same?"

Ben was clearly disconcerted by this tack. He paused, but only for a few seconds. "No. Of course not. And you know why."

"It's because you don't love Riley as much I do!"

"No, because if I did that, I wouldn't have Emma. You know, my daughter sleeping in the next room? And I'm not going to wish her away just to win an argument with you."

"Oh, right. I forgot about her."

Ben turned to Riley. "Look, I can't say in all honesty that I know that I deserve you. I certainly can't say that I'm entitled to you. And clearly Danny was a better friend to you when you were a child. But you have to realize the biggest challenges in your life are in your future, not the past. And I want to be the man who helps you with that. And I want to be the man who is strong enough to help you with that. Right now, what with everyone helping me raise Emma, clearly I am in your debt, and Danny's debt, and Mom's debt and Tucker's debt. But for Emma's sake, and for your sake that has to change. I _want_ that to change. And it _will_ change. But I need to say two things. First, it would be a lot easier for me to change with your help. Second, you told me you wanted to be everything that you think I can be. Well, I want to be everything you ever thought I could be. I also want to help you be everything that you could think I think you can be. OK, that's a bit confusing. But there must be some reason why you loved me instead of Danny for years. I so much want to be that person. But it would be very hard to bear to become that guy and find that I couldn't have you because you were already taken."

There was a pause as the words Ben hoped Riley would say didn't come. Instead, after a few tense seconds more, she turned to Danny. "Do you have something to add?"

Danny pondered. "Well, I was going to say you can't really trust Ben. But then it occurred to me that I'm trusting him to run the bar I recently got. I certainly don't have much experience running a bar, and I certainly can't run it myself the six months of the year I'm playing professional hockey. So if you could just give me a couple of minutes..."

"Perhaps you could question his maturity as a father. Teaching Emma to burp certainly didn't get my respect."

"Oh, that wasn't Ben. Me and Tucker taught Emma that."

Riley and Ben were briefly startled into silence. Then Riley spoke: "Do you know what I like about you Danny? You're completely guileless."

"Gee thanks!"

OK, Danny clearly isn't going to say anything absolutely romantic in the next few seconds. He's had twenty years to go up to Riley and tell her that he loves her. If he doesn't have the brains to do that right now, there's no reason why I should wait the rest of evening for him to realize that's what he should do. "Riley, please listen to me. When we broke up a few months you said that you willed me into loving you. But that isn't true. I am more than stupid enough to fall in love with you out of my own free will. I've been your friend for most of your life, I've liked you for most of that time, and I've thought of you romantically for some time. But I've been in love with you ever since I kissed you on your birthday. I know that's not as long as Danny, and it's a rather short time. I don't know why it feels like it's been two years, since it obviously hasn't been. But ever since then I have been more and more in love with you, and I keep trying to find a way to be with you, to be your man. Do you remember the night I made a fool of myself thinking Fitch was married, when he was actually a widower. He told me that if you were genuinely the love of my life he would stand aside. I told him that as much as I wanted to be with you, I couldn't say that was true, and I couldn't stand in you and Fitch's way. Well it's been more than a year later, and I can now say you are the love of my life."

OK, you're clearly _affected_ by this, and you have been for some minutes now. But I can't tell if you're _moved_ by this. "Riley, I swear to you this isn't a trick. I don't _want_ to be with other women, and there hasn't been anyone else for months. But if you don't believe me, if there's nothing I can say or do to change your mind, I am very, very sorry for wasting your time." And still not seeing what he hoped for in Riley, he turned away in shame.

"Ben, please stop."

Ben turned back to look at her.

"Ben, please stop begging." His mouth opened in amazement, as her voice quavered. "You don't have to beg for me anymore."

Riley got up from the couch in her maid of honor dress, with a tear running down her right eye. Ben stepped forward and embraced her. Then he released her long enough to look into her eyes. Then they kissed.

She smiled back at him. "How much of that did you think out when you set up this meeting?"

"Not a lot actually. Most of it was improvised. I'm not really that good at long term planning."

"You'll have to work on that. Actually, _we'll_ have to."

"There is one thing I did think of." And Ben walked to a CD player, and turned it on. As the Supremes started playing, he extended a hand to Riley. "Would you like to dance?"

Riley smiled. "Yes. Yes I would."

 _You know my love is yours, baby  
Oh, right from the start  
You, you, you possess my soul now honey  
And I know, I know you won my heart.  
And I wanna say someday we'll be together._

As they danced around the apartment, before a stunned and speechless Danny, Bonnie burst into the apartment: "OK, it's 15 minutes to W-Hour! Everybody has to be in their places and to do exactly what I tell you to or there will be hell to pay! Now why isn't my granddaughter in her flower girl dress..." And then she took in the sight before her. "What the hell's going on?"

Danny spoke up. "It's Sudden Death." He got up and blinked. "And I just lost."

"Huh. I guess you're right Danny. Your brother actually can do something he puts his mind to."


	4. Chapter 4:Yellow

It was the late morning of a lovely Saturday in August. The weather was warm, but not oppressive. There were clouds in the sky, but it would not rain until after the sun had set, when the rhythm of the rainfall would help put the children to sleep. Ben and Riley were packing the stroller of their youngest daughter with all the things they would need for their day in Central Park: bandages, aspirin, snacks, toys, sunscreen, blanket as well as several books for the whole family. Meanwhile their middle daughter was running back and forth their not very large apartment, while Emma was finishing brushing her teeth. Then she put on her napsack and helped the older of her two sisters with her's. Now the youngest was put in the stroller, and Ben did a quick check around to see if he hadn't forgotten anything. Satisfied he hadn't, he clapped his two eldest daughters forward, while Riley pushed the stroller out the door. He locked the door behind her while Emma rushed to the elevator and pressed the button.

It was a ten block walk from their apartment to the park. It was perhaps a bit long, but Ben and Riley agreed they could all do with the exercise. As they walked the first block and Ben pushed the stroller Riley wondered why none of her children were blonde. Of course eight year old Emma was not actually her birth daughter, and both Ben and Emma's mother are dark haired. But neither five year old Ruth nor two year old Matty Jenny had light hair. Of course dark hair was dominant and, as Emma had brusquely told her when she had pondered the question out loud a couple of weeks ago, Riley dyed her own hair. Nevertheless... The expedition seemed to be going well, though there was always the prospect of problems. Emma could be mean to Ruth and tease her mercilessly, while Ruth could be astonishingly fearful of the most ordinary things. For months she had been terrified of thunderstorms, and Ben told Riley that it was only in the past couple of weeks that he had calmed her down on that front. Perhaps... And Matty Jenny could go into crying fits for what seemed like hours at a time.

There were other things to be nervous about. Was Ruth becoming fat? Was she herself gaining too much weight? Neither was in fact the case, though she had not in fact lost the twelve pounds she gained with Matty Jenny. There were some concerns that fluttered from the past week. There was work of course, which was long, intense and decidedly less remunerative than at her old firm. She was irritated with Ben for catching him looking at porn on his laptop. She was even more annoyed with Genevieve, the attractive new waitress where Ben worked, not realizing that she was bisexual and that the questions Genevieve asked Riley about Ben were just a form of politeness when her real sexual interest was Riley. And there was when Ben joked that of course he supported the candidate for the upcoming election that Riley was spending much of her free time volunteering for. Otherwise Riley wouldn't sleep with him. In other circumstances Riley would have taken it as a compliment. But her superior at the campaign took offense at it, and found some ways of making her uncomfortable about it.

"Are you excited about starting school in two weeks?" Ben asked Emma.

"All right, I guess. But I'm worried about math."

"Your grade could have been higher, if I remember. Do you find it difficult?"

"Well sort of. And I heard that girls aren't really good with math."

"Yeah, I've heard that over the years. But actually I read about that, and it turns out that it's a myth. In fact I think I've read that most math students at university are women."

"I don't actually want to be a mathematician."

"No, probably not, but math is actually more interesting that people think. And it's very useful in the real world. One of my biggest regrets is that I didn't do better at it in school."

"I thought your biggest regret was that you called Mom fat all through high school."

"You can have more than one regret. Not that you necessarily will. Look, not only does math help us solve all sorts of problems, but it also can be used for fun. It can solve riddles. For example Alice and Bob are sister and brother. Alice has the same number of sisters as she has brothers. But Bob has twice as many sisters as he has brothers. So how many sisters and brothers are there in the family?"

"What about half-brothers and step-sisters?"

"You don't have to worry about that for this question. Why don't you think about that question in your head? But basically algebra, which you'll be studying five or six or seven years in the future is actually a fairly simple way of solving such riddles. Children have been terrified by it for centuries, but once you look at it more calmly, it's actually pretty easy."

By now they had all reached the park, and just had to cross the street to reach it. Emma, however, was bored with the wait, and instead of walking most of the block to reach the crosswalk, quickly darted across the street with its rather light traffic.

"Emma!" yelled Riley.

"Emma, stay there, and wait for us. It's not cool to run across the street like that." said Ben. "You could get a jaywalking ticket."

"She could also get hit by a car and die!" hissed Riley to her husband.

"Calm down Riley. We did more stupid things when we were her age."

"But we lived in New Jersey, and it was a lot safer!"

"Just make sure Ruth doesn't run off," and as it happened Ruth showed no desire to move away from her mother. Emma waited with some reluctance for the rest of her family to cross the street. "Uncle Tucker says little white girls like me don't get jaywalking tickets."

"And he's probably right." admitted Riley, "but we really don't need the expense if it turns out he's wrong. And it sets a bad example for Ruth, who you know isn't old enough to cross the street alone."

"I'm sorry, " said Emma, somewhat unexpectedly, since she had reached an age when she more likely to quarrel with her stepmother.

"Apology accepted." Ben added judiciously, "You just have to be more careful in the future." And so they walked into the park, and after about fifteen minutes or so, they walked off one of the paths, and started unpacking the stroller. First Matty Jenny was liberated from the stroller, then a blanket was pulled out, which was large enough for Ben, Riley, but only two of their children to rest on. Riley and Ben helped put sunscreen on Emma and Ruth, and then watched them play on the plain before them. Nearby a Jewish couple, perhaps ten to fifteen years older than Ben and Riley, read on a park bench back on the pathway. Matty Jenny was close to her parents. She had learned a new word recently: "summersault." At the moment she had no ability to perform one, but she did like rolling around on the ground thinking she was doing so. Emma and Ruth were playing frisbee, with Emma somewhat generously tossing it close enough for her younger sister to catch.

Ben turned to his wife. "You look a little tense. Is everything alright?"

"Oh, there's the same problems with work."

"Perhaps I could give you a massage," and Ben started rubbing Riley's shoulders. This was actually successfully pleasant, even if Riley moaned just a little too loudly considering that her children were nearby. As it happened Ben was not consciously thinking of sex, not even when he kissed a bare spot on Riley's left shoulder. After all, it wasn't even 11:30 yet. Still while usually Ben had to work the Saturday night bar shift, which meant that when he ended work, everyone was now quite asleep when he got home, this particular Saturday was an exception. It was nice to keep this in mind.

Meanwhile, the distance between Emma and Ruth as they tossed the frisbee was slowly growing. Then Emma made a high toss to Ruth that she did not expect her to catch. So it was a bit surprising that Ruth did in fact leap high enough to get it. "Good catch Ruth!" shouted Ben. Matty Jenny had not so much stopped her rolling around as interrupt it by taking a look at her three favorite toys that her parents remembered to bring with her everywhere. The first was a Jacob's Ladder that she was always entranced by. The second was a top, not a simple top, but a mechanical one with a plunger that Matty Jenny had only recently got the knack of pushing down herself. The third toy was not the special Disney tie-in that Ben had spent too much money and even more time hunting down last Christmas, nor was it the fashionable doll that Riley had spent too much money for her birthday. Rather it was a cheaply made toy purple elephant that Matty Jenny's aunt had bought on the way to her niece's birthday party for no other reason than that it was being sold for under ten dollars. Matty Jenny hugged it happily while her parents watched her sisters and read the books they had brought.

How Matty Jenny came to have her name was an interesting story. Riley had named Ruth, or more accurately Ruth Elena after twenty hours of labor. "I thought Sandra Day O'Connor was the first female Supreme Court Justice," wondered Ben. "Yes, but Ginsburg and Kagan are the better justices." Matty Jenny's conception came at a tense time in the relationship. This was not caused by Ben's recklessness or Riley's nervousness but from the more prosaic and considerably more pressing cause of not having enough money. Gradually their financial situation improved, and as the birth approached, Ben pointed out that since Riley had named Ruth, and he had never got a chance to name Emma, and since this would probably be their last child ("Actually quite definitely our last child" Riley replied), he would like to name the new baby. Riley agreed, with the proviso that if it was a girl, she wouldn't take the name of anyone Ben had slept with. ("Are you sure? Because I always thought Riley was a beautiful name for a girl." "Really? Because I recall you saying several times before you were ten that Riley was a stupid name for a girl.") Ben had assumed that the child would be a boy, and was wondering whether he should name it after himself, or after Danny, or after his father or stepfather. Tucker had sarcastically suggested that one should never name a child after someone who might be suspected of being the father. This led to Tucker being considered as a name, or more accurately Thurgood Marshall being considered. As it turned out the new baby was a girl. Although Ben had not slept with _that_ many women, his brain froze and after several minutes of confusion, came up with Mathilda Jennifer, based on the Roald Dahl novel he was reading to Emma, and Riley's mother. Bonnie was quite upset with the choice. "You named her after Mrs. Perrin and not me?! And she's not even Riley's real mother!" "Mom, first off Riley is Emma's mother. Second you do have another son..." (Danny had finally and somewhat suddenly married three months before Matty Jenny's birth) "...and I'm sure he'll be happy to name his first girl after you." "Yeah right. You know perfectly well that Danny will only have boys." There was a bit of ambiguity about the right way to address the new baby. Emma _always_ called her Mathilda, Ruth _always_ called her Jenny, Riley would start calling her Jenny at the beginning of the day, but would then switch to Mathilda as it became awkward calling her by her mother's name. Ben usually called her Matty, sometimes Mathilda and occasionally Matty Jenny. Most other people called her Jenny.

Ben looked up from the book he was reading and told Emma not to throw the frisbee _too_ far away. He then returned to what he jocularly called "the big Hitler book," actually a one volume abbreviation of Ian Kershaw's two volume biography. He had been reading more for several years now, since people had told him that it would help encourage Emma to do so if both her parents read regularly in her presence. He read a few more pages and then looked over at his wife. She had read a few pages of the book she had brought, but now she was lying on her back watching the clouds roll by. He smiled and then said, mostly to himself, "And the morning lasted all day, all day."

"Pardon?"

"That line. I've heard it before, but I can't remember where it comes from."

"Well one of the advantages of having internet on our cell phones, is that we can Google the answer quickly." Riley sat up and looked through her purse. "That's odd, I must have left my phone behind." Actually Ben had deliberately taken the phone out of her purse back in the apartment because he didn't want her to be nagged all day by her neurotic workmate. (And indeed when they got home, there was a barrage of messages that started out calmly and became more hysterical and unbalanced the earlier one went.)

Several of Emma's friends had arrived, and instead of her telling Ruth to buzz off, she let her join them as they played tag, and soccer and some other games. Ben and Riley decided to read to Matty Jenny, who had up till then been trying to teach her elephant to summersault with her.. "This is an ABC book, Matty." said Ben. "It helps teach children how to read. Thanks to books like these Emma was able to read before she went to school, and now Ruth can read as well. The first letter is A. Look at all the interesting things that begin with an A. Things like anteaters, alligators, airplanes and apples."

"Apples! I love apples!"

"You certainly do," said Riley, who kissed her daughter.

And so the day went on, as Emma and Ruth played, and Ben and Riley alternated between reading to Matty Jenny, reading themselves, and just lying in the sun. As she looked up at the clouds and closed her eyes Riley remembered. It was a February morning two months before Ruth was born. What she remembered was not how ill she felt that day ( _Nausea again? I thought we were done with that_ ) or how cross she was at her lack of sleep. Instead she remembered Ben holding Emma and singing to her "Here comes the sun," after the sun came out after several unusually sharp and severe winter days. She smiled now: it was lucky that she was already pregnant then. Not quite at the same time Ben paused from reading about the Blomberg-Fritsch affair and remembered the day when Riley finally taught Emma to read. He was so proud, of both of them actually, and remembered getting Emma to read _Where the Wild Things are_ to her relatives soon after. It didn't matter that the book was another thing that scared Ruth, or that Mrs. Perrin was that day a bored and unappreciative step-grandmother, or that his own mother had an irrational dislike of Maurice Sendak. Out of curiosity Ben picked up the book Riley was reading for her book club, _Brideshead Revisited_ , and flipped through it.

"Riles?"

"Hmmm?"

"This is one of the disadvantages of being a college dropout, but what does 'Et in Arcadia Ego,' mean? It's one of the sections of this book, and I feel I should know what it means."

"Umm, let me think. One advantage of being a lawyer is that you get to learn a lot of Latin. I think it means 'And I have dwelt in Arcadia.'"

"No it doesn't."

Ben and Riley turned to the voice. It was the Jewish woman who had been sitting on a bench nearby the path who they had forgotten once they got here. She continued. "It means, 'Even in Arcadia, I, Death, hold sway.'"

"Ah," replied Ben. "That's good to know, although I can't imagine a social situation where it would come up."

Soon it was time for a mid-day snack. By his third daughter Ben had learned not to give his children too much sugar. So instead they got fruit. But just before they started, Matty Jenny started crying. "Oh no, and the day had been so nice," rued Riley. "Just a minute," Ben interjected. And he took some bananas, oranges, juice boxes, water bottles, and apples and started juggling them much in the same way as he juggled drinks as a bartender. Matty Jenny was delighted, crying "Again! Again!" And so Ben played with their food four more times, before Ruth distracted her insistent sister with her Jacob's Ladder and they could finally eat. Each daughter had a different favorite. Emma preferred bananas. Ruth liked oranges, and Riley gave her a napkin so that her fingers wouldn't get sticky, while the seedless orange was carefully peeled on the blanket. As for Matty Jenny, she loved apples, which Riley carefully cut with a paring knife. Ben and Riley both preferred grapes, so after Ben had put the peels and cores in the garbage nearby, he took a couple of bunches out. Instead of eating them himself, he offered one to Riley. She smiled and grabbed it from his fingers with her teeth. She took a bunch, picked up a grape from it and tossed one to Ben, who caught it with his mouth. And so they fed each other grapes this way for several minutes.

"Daddy?"

"Yes, Ruth?"

"Why can't you and Mommy eat grapes by yourself? Why do you have to feed grapes to Mommy?"

"Yeah Dad, what's up with that?" chimed in a suspicious Emma.

"Of course we can eat grapes by ourselves. It's just more fun this way."

"Really? Well, you're easily amused."

After their snack, Ruth took a nap. Matty Jenny played with her top, and Emma talked with another friend who had wandered by. Now Riley read her book and Ben looked up at the clouds. Once Ruth woke up Ben and Riley took turns reading a new book to her: "...once or twice she had peeped into the book her sister was reading, but it had no pictures or conversations in it, 'and what is the use of a book,' thought Alice 'without pictures or conversations?'" But just as Riley was talking about how Alice kept growing taller and shorter as she searched for the White Rabbit, she noticed Tucker approaching them, with his fine suit in some contrast to the shabby looking duffel bag he carried.

"Well well well, if it isn't the Wheelers all in the park. Guzzling down sangria are you?"

"What's sangria?" asked Emma,

"Your uncle Tucker is just joking." explained Ben.

"Been busy keeping your children amused? I think I've got something you will enjoy a lot more." He opened the duffel bag, and out dropped a couple of helmets, some kneepads and safety padding and two pairs of roller skates. "My old roller skates!" cried Riley. "Oh, I used to skate so much before I got married!"

"Roller skates! THOSE ARE AWESOME!" yelled Emma. "Why don't we have roller skates, Dad?"

"Well, Emma," said Ben thinking of their somewhat small apartment and the chaos three roller skating girls could cause, not to mention their mother, "We didn't think it was practical."

"Awww. But I can try these right now?"

"Actually, no Emma. If you look closely, you'll see the skates are too big for you."

"Sorry squirt," added Tucker, "but there skates are for your parents. I imagine it's been some time since you've used them, Riley."

"Why I haven't skated since our last Wheeler war." Riley remembered and glared at her husband. "I would have totally beat you if I hadn't given birth to Matty Jenny a week earlier."

"It's not my fault you couldn't wait another week." Ben replied smiling.

Riley punched Ben, not unaffectionately. "Anyway, I got what I wanted eventually."

"No, you didn't. I made clear at the time I would only do what you wanted me to do, if you accepted my key condition. It was only when you accepted and followed my condition that I did what you wanted."

"What are the two of you talking about?" interrupted Emma.

"Nothing important," answered Ben, since he and Riley both agreed that their children didn't need to know about the specifics of their dispute. Ever. "Anyway, I was thinking the two of you could have a race," suggested Tucker. "See how the path forms a large triangle? I was thinking the winner would be the person who circled it, oh say, five times." The two of them quickly put on their skates, helmets and padding, while the children waited by the blankets. Tucker gave the signal and off the two flew. "Come on Dad!" cheered Emma. "Go Mom Go!" responded Ruth. Matty Jenny jumped up and down excitedly, not fully grasping what was happening. Riley took an early lead, but wasn't used to racing on a path where there were people walking. To her surprise, Ben made a sudden spurt and pulled into the lead. That was the first lap, and he kept it for the second lap. For the third lap, Riley made a determined effort to catch up and they were now very close. Riley was infuriated at not doing better, since clearly she was the more experienced roller skater. On the fourth lap, she saw her opportunity. An old couple, one of them with a walker, was now on the path. Riley maneuvered herself and Ben very close to them, such that Ben had to abruptly slow down so as not to hit them. Riley, with her smaller size and greater agility, was now able to take a clear lead. But as she took the fifth lap she saw Ben behind her rapidly narrowing the gap. And he almost did, finishing less than a second behind her when she finished the race. For Riley relief that she had not lost to Ben was quickly replaced by exhilaration that she had beaten her husband. "Yes! I win! I won! I'm the champ! I'm the master of rolling skating!" She made a number of victory gestures, forgetting that the path was slightly inclined and nearly lost her balance before Ben caught her. Riley took several deep breaths, then began to calm down, and finally laughed at her overexcitement. "I should have bet something before we started this." she smiled as she righted herself.

Ben and Riley took off the skates and padding. Although there were now more clouds, and while it would be quite easy to predict the rain that came that very evening, it was still a lovely day. The key change was that there was a clear, but by no means boisterous breeze. While Ben talked to Tucker about the latter's wife and the surprisingly complicated procedures needed to create his first child, Riley went to the stroller and took out the kite that they had brought. Ruth loved the idea of kites, but as of yet she couldn't run fast enough to put one into the air. "Now Ruth you hold the kite here while Emma releases the string. Then she's going to start running and when she tells you, you're going to let the kite go and throw it as high into the air as you can."

"Famous last words," thought Emma as she remembered a couple of toys ruined because Ruth could not understand or carry out simple instructions. But as it happened, there were no problems this time and soon the kite was flying high in the air. After a few minutes Emma generously gave the string to Ruth who flew it competently if without any special tricks. "I want to fly! I want to fly!" squealed Matty Jenny as she approached her sister.

"Daddy, is that a good idea? Won't the kite carry her off?"

"Don't worry Ruth: the kite can't remotely carry Matty's weight." And so Ruth handed the string to her younger sister, who happily yelled "I'm flying! I'm kite flying." And so the three sisters took turns flying the kite without any quarrels, though there was a tense moment when Matty Jenny decided to get her toy elephant and instead of handing it to one of her sisters, simply dropped the line. Fortunately Ruth noticed it, and grabbed it just in time. Riley smiled at a slight distance while Ben rejoined her after Tucker left. "That's so sweet. It's like the end of _Mary Poppins._ "

Ben held Riley and kissed her left ear. "Yeah, but the Dad there was a boring banker. While you've got a sexy bartender husband."

"You are so full of it," but she didn't mean it.

"What are you thinking about?'

"Oh," she sighed, "I was just thinking that while it's nice that Emma likes 'Phineas and Ferb,' because it's funny and clever and inventive, while at the same time sweet and charming, it's such a shame there aren't any more kid's shows with girl protagonists."

"That's a good point."

"When our parents were kids, all the popular muppets on Sesame street were boys. Can you believe that?"

"That is incredible. I'll just have to do more to make sure that doesn't stand in her way."

"She's your favorite, isn't she," she asked wistfully.

"Riley, I've told you before, I love all three of them equally. The only reason it seems different is that Emma is older, and has therefore gotten much more attention." And Ben did love his three daughters equally. Except on Halloween, when it was _always_ the Wheelers versus the Perrins.

Ultimately it was time to pack up everything and go home. Matty Jenny was pleasantly sleepy once she was put in the stroller. Ruth was a bit tired too, so Ben put her on her shoulders and told her to hold on tight. As they started walking Emma spoke up. "Four and Three."

"What's that Emma?"

"That question you asked me this morning. There are four sisters and three brothers."

"That's a lot of children," added Riley.

Emma continued. "That way Alice has three brothers and three sisters, but Bob has only two brothers and four sisters."

"That's correct Emma. Well done!" Ben gave his oldest daughter a pat on the head. "And in a couple of years, once you understand multiplication and division, I'll show you how to solve that by using algebra. That way math will be much less of a problem."

After walking a couple of more blocks, Ruth asked to be put down. Ben did so, and took over pushing the stroller from Riley. "It was such a lovely day," she mused. "I wish it didn't have to end."

"Really?" wondered Emma. "Today just seemed to go on _forever._ What's for dinner? _"_

"Hamburgers." Although Ben could mix drinks well, neither he nor Riley had gotten beyond the basics of cooking and hamburgers were the best they could do.

"Yay!"

"And then a movie before you all go to bed." The friend who recommended movies was not always the best guide for small children. But despite Ben thinking it was odd that they were all watching a movie older than he and Riley's grandparents, everyone would in fact enjoy "The Adventures of Robin Hood." Once they entered their building and Emma and Ruth ran to the elevator, Riley paused. "Emma isn't going to play in the park with her sisters forever."

"Maybe not. But we'll find other things for the three of them to do together." The clouds were now rolling in, but it wouldn't start raining for several more hours. It wouldn't matter now that they were all safe inside. It was pleasant to listen to not only for the girls when they went to bed, but also for Ben and Riley a couple of hours later as they fell asleep in each other's arms.


	5. Chapter 5: Silver

Or how I learned to love movies that didn't explode.

 _This story looks at a curious aspect of Riley's character, such as how her only friends are less than sensitive males, while at the same time being irritated at their masculine stupidity. Part of the reason for this, of course, is that the show can't be bothered to add another female cast member, so Riley is stuck with the relationships she has. But through the magic of fan fiction we can add a female friend!_

"Now you, little lady, are going to take a nap." As Ben put his daughter in his crib, he repressed the desire to sigh with relief. The last four days had been stressful, awkward ones. His mother had gone to Atlantic City with her fiancee, now her husband, and had invited both her sons after the fact. This was actually an elaborate ruse to punish Ben for not only accidentally ruining her marriage, but for getting back together with Riley, which his mother took as a personal insult. And so Ben found his cell phone stolen, his messages from Riley deleted, and at one point handcuffed to a prostitute to compromise him with Riley. This wasn't nearly as bad as being threatened by both the police and by mobsters as a result of his mother's machinations. At the same time he had to find a way to make up with his brother over Riley. And when he returned from New Jersey, he found that a number of problems had arose in the bar which took several hours for him to fix. Finally, his daughter had decided to be more irritating and obnoxious in the last three hours than in the previous three months. But he had managed to sooth her with exemplary (or at least adequate) patience, and was now looking for his just reward.

Placing the baby monitor in his front pants pocket where it joined two condoms, Ben gently closed his bedroom door and soon strode out into the hall. He pirouetted twice as he sang to himself "You, you, you possess my soul now honey And I know, I know you won my heart. And I wanna say someday..." as he knocked on Riley's apartment. But it wasn't Riley who opened the door. Ben found himself staring at a young woman in a conservative short-sleeved brown dress. She was slim, had long black hair, was clearly Jewish and wore very thick glasses. She was the kind of woman that Ben might think was pretty if he saw her at the party, only to forget completely when he saw more obviously attractive women. "Oh! You must be Ben! Riley's told me so much about you."

"Yes. Yes I am. And you are?"

"Oh, that's right. We've never met before. I'm Naomi Rosengarten. I'm Riley's new roommate!"

Within an hour, Riley, Tucker and Danny were also just outside the apartment. "You have a new roommate?" Ben asked Riley.

"Yes. Ummm, yes." And with the trademark awkwardness she showed when she tried to hide something, she added "Surprise!"

"Who is she? And why do you have a roommate?"

"Naomi was my college roommate when I was in law school. She was my best friend all through college. She majored in film studies while I studied law. She's been getting a higher degree in another city, so that's why you haven't heard from her until now."

"But now that I've found work, I asked Riley if I could move in with her!"

"Wait a minute," interrupted Tucker. "You can make a living studying films?"

"Oh yes. It's an established discipline, I teach it to students, and if I write enough articles on the films I like I won't get fired!"

"Cool!" Danny said. "You could make a living writing about _Die Hard_ or _The Terminator_?"

"Oh no, I make my living writing about movies that are actually good."

The three boys joined the girls inside the apartment. They were immediately struck by what had replaced Riley's television set. "So that's what was in all those boxes I spent yesterday lugging up five flights of stairs." Tucker declared.

Riley rolled her eyes. "You pushed them with your feet from the elevator to my apartment door." But the boys didn't notice as they started at the enormous television set whose screen was larger than both Riley's old set and the one in their apartment, combined. Linked to the set were a dvd player, a blu-ray DVD player, a multi-region DVD player, a VCR, a laserdisc player, several elaborate and extremely effective audio systems, and even an old Betamax player. All of which indicated that not only was this the best substitute for an actual cinema experience they were ever likely to see, but was actually better than most movie theaters in New York. "Wow! Can you imagine what it would be like to see the World Series or the Super Bowl on this?" asked Danny.

"Yeah. That's probably never going to happen." replied Riley. "Because all this stuff is Naomi's, she has an absolute veto on what we watch. So we're not going to watch sports because (a) Naomi needs to study films to do her job and (b) the only sport Naomi likes is soccer."

Ben peeked into Riley's bedroom. Instead of her old bed, which was large enough for two people, there was now a bunk bed. It stood in the centre of the room, which neatly bisected Riley and Naomi's sides. Naomi slept on the bottom and Riley on top: Ben wondered whether her bunk could hold more than two people. (He would find out the awkward way that it did not.) Aside from their wardrobes, Riley's side had a bookcase and a writing desk, while Naomi had a larger bookcase and an even larger one filled with DVDs and VHS tapes. "So what's your favorite movie?" Danny asked as he peered at the many foreign titles. Naomi wordlessly pointed to a poster for _Barry Lyndon._ "What's that?"

Riley piped up. "Well would you like to see a movie about a charming eighteenth century rogue who fights duels, engages in military battles and has a vigorous love life?"

"Sure. That sounds interesting."

"Then you should probably see another movie." As Naomi explained to an increasingly alarmed Danny why she thought Stanley Kubrick's tenth film was the greatest movie ever made, Ben tactfully took Riley aside. "OK. Umm. Alright, about the past few days. I had a long talk with Danny, and well... OK, the good news is that Danny is totally cool, or at least reasonably reconciled to us being together. We're all still friends."

"Oh, thank God, that's such a relief."

"Yes. Yes it is." Ben hesitated. "Umm. OK, this is a little awkward, so I'll just start. As part of not rubbing our relationship in Danny's face, I agreed we wouldn't sleep together in my room."

"Of course. That's the least we could do."

"OK. And..." Ben hesitated again. "Well I made that promise on the understanding that well, we would, well..."

"Oh that's so cute. Seriously Ben, you don't have to be bashful. We are adults."

"OK, when I promised Danny we wouldn't have sex if my room, I assumed that we would in your room."

"Of course." Riley paused, and then did not speak for several more seconds. "That was probably a foolish assumption to make."

"So is your new roommate always going to be here? Or might she be away some of the time?"

"Good question. Good question." There was another awkward silence. "Well, I can say frankly that it's...conceivable."

"Conceivable?"

"Well she was born in New York. Her parents live here, as does her younger brother."

"OK, that's promising."

"Except she's really not on good terms with her brother. It's even worse than my relationship with my sister."

"Well, how about her relationship with her parents?"

"Oh, she's on excellent terms with her mother. She talks to her everyday."

"That's encouraging."

"Except the fact that they're always in touch sort of forgoes the necessity of actually having her stay over night with them."

"Ah. OK, what about her dating, and therefore not spending the night here?"

"Actually Naomi is in a very serious relationship with a charming intelligent young historian..."

"Which means she can occasionally stay at his place!"

"...except that he's currently in Washington DC doing archival research, so they rarely see each other physically. They do Skype a lot."

"Ah, again. So, basically staying the night together is largely a hypothetical possibility. " Ben unsuccessfully tried to hide his frustration,. "Well, I'm open to suggestions."

Riley thought. "We can't sleep in your bedroom. But what about Tucker's room, or Danny's room..."

Ben shook his head. "First off, it would be an abuse of Danny's good faith to try to get around on a technicality..."

"Don't think of it is as a technicality. Consider it...legal precision. Yes, that sounds good! A proper sense of legal precision is vital to a democratic society!"

"Yeah, that's not gonna work. Not only would it be creepy to have sex in Danny's room, but when we talked about the subject, it includes the entire apartment. Not to mention the fire escape. And the elevator. And the hallway. And the staircases. And also the roof. Also, there are strict limits on how explicit any phone sex or laptop sex can be. Indeed, unless you're erotically satisfied by 'Melissa and Joey' that whole area is not going to work."

"Wow. It's not like Danny to be so strict or so thorough."

"Yeah, you can thank our mother for that. She really helped on negotiating Danny's side. OK, let me think. We can't actually _sleep_ there, but there is your office..."

"That's absolutely out of the question. I bet you have some tacky idea of using the bar. I mean you've probably have had dozens of girls there."

"Actually, the bar is off limits, and a good twenty feet around it."

Before Ben and Riley could go any further, the baby monitor went off as Emma woke up. Ben was slightly embarrassed when taking it out of his pocket revealed one of his condoms, "OK, I have to deal with this." He returned to his room. Meanwhile, Naomi was making surprising progress in convincing Danny that contrary to his strongly held belief, _Avatar_ was not in fact a good movie. "So what are you up to?' a smug Tucker asked a startled Riley.

"I don't know what you're talking about."

"The last time you had a 'friend' over here, she slept with Ben just to spite you. Now you have a new 'friend' who apparently exists to make your sex life much more difficult. It seems you're not really on board."

"No Tucker that's not true. I am totally on board with Ben. Look at me Tucker."

"I am looking at you."

"No _really_ look at me. This isn't defensive or slightly hysterical Riley trying to hide her doubts by unconvincingly shouting. This isn't Riley five months ago thinking whether I might be in love with Danny. I love Ben, and someday, after we're married, I will have at least one of his children. Possibly two. But not three, that would be ridiculous. Am I clear on this point?"

Tucker was skeptical. "You're certainly more convincing that you were talking with Ben. But that still doesn't explain why you suddenly decided to get a new roommate. So is she really a friend?"

"Absolutely."

"Then why haven't I ever seen her before?"

"Actually you did see her. She was at my birthday party."

Tucker pondered the idea. It was certainly possible Naomi might have been there. "But if she's such a good friend, why don't you talk about her more?"

"For a number of perfectly good reasons. Because she was doing her graduate work in another city. Because she has almost no interest in sports, and because what she is interested in, she's a little...unusual."

"Unusual? That sounds...intriguing."

"Not that kind of unusual, Tucker. She has a boyfriend. Basically she's nuts about movies."

"That doesn't seem bad."

"Yes, well perhaps 'nuts' doesn't quite show her intensity about the subject."

"That still doesn't explain why you went out of your way to make her roommate. I think it shows you have doubts. Talk to me about it girl. You can trust me."

"No, I can't! You blurt out things when you're drunk! Let's just say, my reason has nothing to do with Ben, and it has nothing to do with sex."

"Riley, I'm just going to speculate irresponsibly until you tell me."

"Look, I really need you to not to tell anyone about this. Please, Tucker I need your discretion..."

Just then Ben returned carrying a still yawning Emma. "So this must be the famous Emma!" Naomi almost gushed. "I've heard so much about her!"

"Actually she's been cranky for most of the day, and right now she doesn't want to nap and she doesn't want to do anything else."

"I can relate to that," agreed Naomi. "My sister has two small children." And she briefly explained about her much older sister while Riley concluded her conversation with Tucker. "So you understand why I can't tell Ben about this?"

"Don't worry, girl. I've got your back on this."

"Now that we're all here," said Naomi, "we should all get together next Saturday for a movie night! I've got a great idea for a movie, the greatest movie made in our lifetime!"

Ben hesitated. "Actually on Saturday our mother is returning from her honeymoon."

"Bring her along: the more the merrier! In fact, she sounds like a wonderful person!"

"Really?" both Riley and Tucker asked in unison. But notwithstanding that, all the Wheelers and their circle of friends were in Riley and Naomi's apartment late Saturday night. Or more accurately early Sunday morning. Or even more accurately 3:30 in the morning as Naomi's choice finally ended. "So what did you all think!?" she asked with enthusiasm.

Tucker spoke first. "Oh my God. Oh my God. I can't believe this. I have just spent seven hours watching _Satantango._ If someone had told me about this movie, I would have thought it was a parody of pretentious foreign films. It's in black and white. Notwithstanding it being seven hours long, it has fewer shots than a sitcom episode, or many music videos. It consists of long tracking shots in the rain. It takes place on a miserable Hungarian collective farm. The characters are uniformly selfish, greedy and unpleasant. It is devoid of simple humor or easy charm. Did I mention that it's seven hour long? It occurs to me that instead of watching this movie, I could be elsewhere, like sleeping with any woman in the world."

"You could be sleeping with a man" added Brad.

"Let's not go nuts. I cannot imagine a movie less likely to appeal to an audience. It is unrelentingly serious. It involves swindlers swindling an unpleasant village. It rains for hours on end. It involves a child poisoning a cat." ("There, there" consoled Naomi to a still upset Riley.) "It involves a drunken doctor trying to get liquor through a rainstorm. It just goes on and on. The only thing that relieves the unrelenting gloom, as Naomi has pointed out, is the considerable sarcasm. I can honestly say that I have never imagined seeing a movie like this."

"I know!" shouted Naomi. "It's awesome, right?!"

Tucker nodded in temporary defeat. Brad tried to shake himself up but found it difficult to stand. "I can't believe that I could drink so much coffee and yet be so tired." As his new wife yanked him to his feet, she turned to Naomi. "You've managed to convince five people who absolutely under no circumstances would ever watch this movie to waste an entire evening doing so regardless. Has it occurred to you that you could be using these argumentative talents to get other things? Like money, perhaps? There's also this other thing that kids today are interested in. It's called 'sex.'"

"I'm just a passionate cinephile! And I believe that in making other people cinephiles you should start by pushing them right into the deep end!"

"Really? That's the same attitude I had with my boys when I taught them to swim."

"Actually," Ben muttered curtly, "that's the attitude you just had with me, until both Dad and the local lifeguard told you to stop."

"Yeah, yeah, to-mayto, to-mahto," as Bonnie pushed her husband to the door.

"Danny? Danny?" Ben snapped his fingers and tried to shake his brother awake. No luck, he was completely asleep. "Tucker, I need you to give to me a hand." As the two awkwardly moved their much larger roommate, Tucker turned to Naomi. "You said critics said this was one of the greatest films made in our lifetime. Who were these critics? The Hungarian Association for the Advancement of Suicide?"

"No, silly. It's from the 2012 _Sight and Sound_ poll of more than a thousand critics. It's the leading British film magazine."

"And what other films from our lifetime do they like?"

"There's _In the Mood for Love_. It's a quite stunning film, a romantic movie from Hong Kong of exquisite taste and delicacy."

"Of course it is. Anything else?"

"There's _Mulholland Drive_. Those three films all made the top 50 of all time."

"Yeah, I don't think I caught that movie." Ben admitted.

"Really? I would think people like you would go out of their way to see it."

"Not to be rude, but why on earth would you think that would be remotely likely?" asked Tucker.

"Well, it does have Naomi Watts in a nude lesbian sex scene..." The two boys were stunned, so much so that they lost their grip on their roommate, who promptly toppled onto Tucker.

"Are you all right Tucker?" Riley piped up.

"Of course I'm not all right! A giant just fell on me!"

"Riley, if you could help.." After all three managed to get Danny to the door, Ben kissed Riley good night.

"Well that was an interesting thing that we'll never do again." Tucker said after putting Danny to bed.

Ben demurred. "I don't know. Maybe Naomi's next movie will be more interesting."

"Why on earth would we ever give her another chance?"

"Well the movie wasn't totally bad, Tucker."

"I'm sorry. Did you see a different seven hour black and white subtitled movie?"

"You have to admit that Naomi's commentary was very helpful. Up until then I had trouble telling the Warsaw Pact countries apart. And once she made clear what Tarr's style was and what he was trying to do, his, what do you call it, Mission Zen?"

"Misc-en-scene."

"Yeah, that term, it was kind of interesting watching it."

Tucker snickered. "I don't know what your sex plans are with Riley, but I can guarantee that if they involve sucking up to and seducing Naomi, they just won't work."

"That's not it Tucker. Look the last time I tried dating Riley, it turned out we had completely different tastes in movies. My favorite movies are the _Terminator_ movies. They've been my favorite movies since I first them when I was 12. Look, I'm the only one of the four of us who never went to college. That's not right. I'm a father now, and I have to be more mature. I can't simply have the same opinions I had when I was a kid."

"So the guy who fell asleep watching _The Princess Bride_ is going to learn how to enjoy impenetrable art films? Look, Riley didn't choose you because you were cultured and well read."

"No, she chose me because I was genuinely trying to be a better person. And why not start there? Watching the movies Naomi chooses is cheap, and I can actually learn to be friends with a woman my age without wanting to sleep with her. And also the last Terminator movie really sucked. But I need your help."

"Are you kidding? Why do you need _my_ help?"

"Look, if I make suggestions, I'll either embarrass myself, or I'll choose something hopelessly out of my depth and be bored to tears. But you went to college, you can at least point me in the right direction."

Tucker sighed. "You know the times when your crazy plans involved breaking into other people's apartments, or dressing up in silly costumes, or embezzling goods from the bar? Those were good times."

The next time Naomi had a movie night, Danny arrived late. The others had insisted on an action movie, Naomi countered by arguing that it must be in French. "What did I miss?"

"Not as much you as you might think." replied Tucker. "Basically these four Europeans are all trapped in this Latin American hellhole and they're looking for money to get out. This oil company offers them this money if they're willing to transport nitroglycerin to help put out a fire."

"Oh," said Danny, as he sat down and watched. A thought occurred to him. "Isn't nitroglycerin unstable?"

"Not quite. It is in fact, _extremely_ unstable."

Danny looked at the rugged landscape of early fifties Venezuela. "These roads don't look very good."

"No. They clearly do not."

"Doesn't that make their job much more difficult?"

"No. It makes it nearly impossible."

Danny looked at the trucks that Yves Montand, Charles Vanel and their two fellow cast members were driving. "They must have really good trucks back in the day."

"No. Not at all Danny."

Danny sat back and pondered. Then everything clicked, and he was as promptly terrified as the three other people watching _The Wages of Fear_ for the first time. Of course it wouldn't mean anything if in having Naomi Rosengarten as a friend she did not occasionally complicate Ben's life immensely. Three anecdotes come to mind. The first one took place a couple of weeks later. After a disastrous attempt on the top of Riley's bunk bed, Ben had a plan. He would arrange a romantic and erotic assignation with Riley at his mother's apartment, while foisting off Emma on his mother and new stepfather. This in fact worked very well, much better than he had any right to expect. The only problem was that Bonnie was suspicious and it was therefore vital that he not get on her bad side for the next month or so.

This is where Naomi came in. In a way, it wasn't remotely her fault. She, Bonnie and Ben were all at his apartment, and Bonnie had decided to regale Naomi with her favorite subject, herself. As Naomi listened patiently, then after several minutes distinctly impatiently, Bonnie talked about her mostly imagined connections with Bon Jovi.

"Mrs. Wheeler, I don't actually care about Springsteen, the New Jersey musician critics actually have been known to like. I certainly don't care about Bon Jovi. I have never cared for Bon Jovi. None of my family has ever cared about Bon Jovi. If you had met Bryan Ferry I actually would care, but as you haven't..."

"Ah, but what I haven't told you is that Emma has actually met Bon Jovi. In the flesh!"

"Actually you've already told me..." but then Bonnie thrust the photograph in Naomi's face.

"See! I bet you would have loved to see him when you were Emma's age. You could have told all your pre-school friends about him!"

Naomi was clearly wishing this conversation would end, when she took a closer look.

"Yes, now I see you're interested. How many other grandmas can say their baby granddaughters have seen Bon Jovi?"

"Mrs. Wheeler, this picture has clearly been photo-shopped."

Bonnie laughed in disbelief. "Don't be absurd. My son took this photograph himself in Bon Jovi's presence."

"No he did not. I make my living watching films, and this is clearly not a real photo. See how the shadows in the photos don't match. And that's just the beginning..."

Bonnie turned to her son, who up to that point had been thinking how lucky he had been to be in his mother's presence (instead of suspiciously avoiding her) without actually having to talk to her. "BEN!" From that point, things quickly went from bad to worse. Later that afternoon, Ben sourly told Riley how he had been thoroughly humiliated. Riley tried to patch things up, while trying to recover from having to listen to Bonnie scream at her for fifteen minutes through her cell phone. "It's not as if Naomi deliberately got you into trouble."

"That's true. However," and Ben turned to Naomi, "you didn't have to add 'I noticed that Riley had had sex recently, and now that I think of it, Mrs. Wheeler's apartment is the most logical place where she could have done that.' That logical deduction you could have kept to yourself."

"I'm sorry. Let me make it up to you. I have tickets to the Straub/Huillet retrospective at the Museum of Modern Art. I'd like you both to come."

"Who's Straub Huillet?"

" _They_ are, or strictly were, since Danielle Huillet has died, creators of some of the most avant-garde films of the last half century. Other avant-garde film directors compared to them are the most meretricious Hollywood hacks. They are radical pioneers in the most uncompromising modernist art!"

"Ah," muttered Ben. Like root canals, only less fun.

Most of the time Ben spent with Naomi was watching the movies she choose in Riley's apartment. Often this was a disconcerting experience, such as the French film Naomi commented on one evening.

"In case you didn't realize it, the code names the revolutionaries are using are actually the names of movies that Godard especially liked."

"Ah." commented Tucker. "Did the revolutionaries and the female protagonist just eat her husband?"

"Yes."

"Ah." Tucker drummed his fingers on the coffee table. "I though that's what happened. I just wanted to be sure."

Usually when they watched movies, Naomi chatted very informatively if occasionally interminably about the movie's aesthetic qualities. One night, however, she had to make her points through a flood of tears, as she couldn't stop crying. Riley held her closely reassuring her, and told the others that _Tess_ was one of the very few movies that provoked such a visceral reaction from her. "Actually, this was one of the reasons that I first liked Timothy.." Naomi said through sobs. ("Timothy Aaronovich, her historian boyfriend." Riley reminded the others.) "Everybody else prefers _Raging Bull,_ or _The Shining_ or _Berlin Alexanderplatz_ or even _The Empire Strikes Back_ from that year _._ But Timothy liked this movie as much as I did, and I knew immediately that he was special."

"Well it certainly shows that in many ways the Victorian Era really sucked." Tucker jibed. After he and Ben returned his apartment he turned to Ben. "Seriously, we have to find a way of choosing better movies. Why can't we have more movies like _The Wages of Fear_? I mean at more than three hours that was simply deadly."

"I'm not so sure."

"Really? Why do you care about the movie?"

"Well, she tried so hard, and she suffered so much, in the end she lost everything, including her own life. At least her husband was there for the last few days."

"Yeah, but he was a schmuck. If he hadn't been so bloody self-righteous there wouldn't have been a problem."

"I know. But he does love her, he does try to help her, and he does more for her than anyone else."

"But it's not enough."

One aspect of having Naomi around was that movies infiltrated their life even when they were not watching movies. For instance, one day they were all at the bar when Tucker heard an ominous noise. It was slow, menacing, as if someone was hitting alternating notes from the opposite sides of the piano. "Does anybody else hear that? What the heck is that?" The others looked around trying to identify it when Naomi beamed happily. "Oh! It's my ringtone!" She fished her cell phone out of her purse. "Hello! Oh it's you Reuben," referring to her brother, who was her younger by eleven months. "What's it about? No, I will not turn my ringtone down. Because I happen to like Gyorgy Ligeti's 'Musica ricercata.' Yes, I very much like the movie that it appeared in, that's the reason I choose it for the ringtone in the first place. I went to a great deal of trouble to get a ringtone that would still play after I picked up the phone. No, I don't think that _Eyes Wide Shut_ is pretentious garbage. You know perfectly well that I think the exact opposite. Yes, I'm sure my friends don't mind this music. Why would they?"

"Well, it may just be me," answered Tucker, "but it sounds like the soundtrack to a Satanic cult carrying out a human sacrifice."

The two siblings argued. As it happened Reuben had to get a gift for his mother's birthday. But for ideological reasons he was opposed to giving her the gift she had suggested. Rather than thinking up a substitute he wanted Naomi to let him take credit for the gift she already gotten their mother. In return Naomi would confess that she had forgotten his mother's birthday. Reuben actually had no good arguments why Naomi should do this. But he had no shortage of bad arguments which he pressed with considerable vigor for some time before Naomi finally hung up, ending Ligeti's ominous theme.

The second anecdote about how Naomi complicated Ben's life actually took place three or four years in the future. One Saturday Naomi rushed in to Ben and Riley's apartment only to find Ben very, very angry. "Is something wrong?"

"Well my oldest daughter is in her room, crying her eyes out and I can't do anything to console her. And since it's actually your fault, yes I would say something's wrong!" Ben picked up a collection of DVDs. "Somebody thought it would be a good idea to lend me a collection of Japanese animated films. But that somebody when she said that 'Emma would love some of these,' forgot to mention that that one of the movies, _The Grave of the Fireflies,_ although it has two children prominently placed on the DVD cover is not actually a movie for children. That the two children are not only orphaned because of the second world war, but in the course of the movie die as the war ends!"

"But everyone knows that _The Grave of the Fireflies_ isn't intended for children."

"Naomi," and Ben took a very deep breath, "we've had this conversation before, and I see we're going to have to have it again. When you say 'everyone' knows this or that fact about movies, you keep forgetting that 'everyone' does not actually mean your closest friends, or most of your relatives, or actually most of the people you know who aren't part of films studies classes and departments. And so we find ourselves in situations like this!"

"But surely you must have been aware as the movie proceeded that the movie was going to end unhappily."

"Actually you know what? I did not know that. And do you know why? Because do you know what happens when Snow White meets the evil queen disguised as a horrible old crone, or when Pinocchio goes to Pleasure Island, or when the toys in one of the Toy Story movies find themselves in a dangerous garbage dump?"

"Let me think. I don't actually remember the Toy Story movies that well, but if I recall correctly in the first movie..."

"It was a rhetorical question! In many kids movies children are threatened, but everything works out in the end!"

Naomi pondered this. "But everybody knows that _The Grave of Fireflies_ isn't a movie for children."

"Naomi, we are not going to argue in circles!" though Ben in fact did so for another twenty minutes.

Of course there were times when Ben was clearly in the wrong with Naomi. And indeed there were times when Riley was as well. Not to mention both of them together, such as the Straub/Huillet retrospective that Naomi had invited them to. Following an afternoon showing of _Othon,_ they grimaced as Naomi castigated them relentlessly. "I can't believe this! That's absolutely disgusting! What kind of sick degenerates are you?!"

"We're sorry," Riley mewled weakly.

"No, you're not! Neither of you are! You're lying Riley Perrin! You're going to have a great big grin on your face the second I turn my back on you! Don't either of you dare! I can't believe that two people would think a public movie theatre would be a great place to have sex! Twice in fact!"

Ben couldn't resist smiling, and it took several pokes from Riley to assume a less joyful expression. "Three times actually."

"Well that depends on how you define sex..." added Riley.

"That's not the point! That is SO not the point! I invited you to enjoy great cinema, not so that the two of you could get arrested for public indecency!"

"In our defense," Riley chirped in, "it was a very large theatre and there were only the three of us. And we were as far from you as possible while still in the cinema. If we hadn't fallen asleep, or if we had fallen asleep but woke up and got dressed before the movie ended you wouldn't have noticed we'd done anything wrong."

'That's not the point! The worst point isn't that you humiliated me, Riley, despite my being your closest friend. It's that you think you can look back at this and laugh at the pretentious avant-garde film your crazy friend took to you free of charge. Well that is not going to happen! Nobody looks down at Staub/Huillet! Nobody laughs behind their back! Nobody mocks them! NOBODY DISSES THE STRAUB/HUILLET!"

She glared intensely and angrily at Ben. "Wow!" he answered. "I thought you were taking this a little too seriously. But now I'm genuinely intimidated."

"Damn right you are. Just because of this, I'm going to make sure that movie night is dedicated to movies that make _Othon_ look like the most trivial Hollywood fluff imaginable. At the moment, I can't think of any movies that do this, but still..."

And so for the next few weeks, Naomi would insist on playing Straub/Huillet's _The Chronicle of Anna Magdalena Bach_ at all hours, although she "confessed" that she thought it was a bit of a crowd-pleaser. There was some truth to this since after listening to it the twelfth time, Ben learned to appreciate Bach, or at least parts of him. Meanwhile Ben and Riley found a temporary solution to their romantic problems. Or more accurately Ben stumbled upon it. His mother had been panicking about her closeness to her new husband, and when her brother-in-law died in a hang-gliding accident in Peru, she was seriously considering allowing her husband to spend months away from her while she toyed with ending her marriage altogether. After listening for an hour to this very bad idea, Ben snapped and told her that she was being selfish and irresponsible. In fact what she should do is be with her husband as he dealt with the loss of his brother even if that meant being in Peru for six or seven weeks. Posed that sharply, Bonnie agreed, but said that Ben had to look after her apartment.

Other things happened. Ben and Danny chose an old high school acquaintance Sam, as the bar manager, and she soon became Danny's new girlfriend. Angela returned just long enough to pretend that she was actually taking care of Emma alone. And one day Tucker came into the apartment and saw Ben watching _Vertigo_ again.

"Naomi says you have to watch the movie at least three times to really appreciate it. First you have to see it to get the basic plot. Then you have to watch it again to understand it in the light of the major plot twist. And then a third time to understand all the things Hitchcock does to get the effects that he does."

"Really? When we all saw it last week I just thought it was an unusually convoluted and somewhat implausible murder mystery."

Tucker much preferred the next unusually convoluted murder mystery they saw at Naomi and Riley's apartment. "I don't know," pondered Danny. "I'm completely lost."

"Danny, " Tucker helpfully explained. "there are only two suspects. Either the Water Commissioner was murdered by his wife, or by his father in law."

"What about the woman who was pretending to be Faye Dunaway?"

"Not likely, since she was the woman murdered ten minutes ago."

"Maybe it was Jack Nicholson all the time! He has played the Joker after all. Maybe, it's a twist ending!"

"It's not that kind of movie. And he doesn't have a motive!"

Danny imaginatively and incorrectly speculated until the movie ended. "You're right," Riley told Naomi, "this was a better movie than _Presumed Innocent,_ which is still a great film."

"What did you think Ben?" Naomi asked. But before the credits ended, Ben quickly got up and raced to the bathroom. Despite his best efforts, the others could hear him violently retching. "Oh right, you have a daughter." Naomi remembered. "I imagine John Huston getting away with everything would be disturbing."

Danny missed the next movie because he was on a date with Sam, and Tucker soon found an excuse to leave half an hour into it. And so Naomi, Riley and Ben watched _The Umbrellas of Cherbourg_ alone. Well this is strange, Riley thought. The entire movie is sung out loud. The color scheme is very striking. I wouldn't say it's garish, but it is disconcerting. And there's something off-putting about Catherine Deneuve. It's not just that she's stunningly beautiful but there's something cold about her. She's so professional. This looks like this is another cinematic experiment I'll have to tactfully tell Naomi not to repeat.

She looked to Ben and was surprised to find him crying. "He never knew that he had a daughter. That's the saddest thing I've ever seen!" Ben started weeping uncontrollably and Riley moved over to console him.

The third time Naomi greatly complicated Ben's life took place later that year in October. It was a surprisingly tense time for Ben. Danny whose role in running the bar was limited at the best of times was away busy preparing for the new hockey season. Ben arrived with Emma to the bar that morning confronted with three problems. First, two inspectors announced that they would come in ten minutes to undergo a surprise spot check. Second, Emma's daycare announced that Emma's enrollment had been immediately suspended. Why this had happened was not at all clear. However they expected Ben to show up and discuss the matter. later that day. When was not clear, but it was clear that it would be at their convenience, and definitely not Ben's. The third problem caused him to gasp.

"When did you hear about this?" he said to the waitress

"Hear about what?"

"Somebody from Child Services is coming 'shortly' to discuss whether I should be Emma's father."

"I haven't heard a thing about that. I'm more concerned about the firefighters who are coming in five minutes."

"What firefighters?"

"Apparently the coach of Danny's team had some friendly bet with some firefighters, and the consequence is that we're going to serve fifteen of them breakfast when they arrive."

"What? Why wasn't I told anything about this?"

"You'd have to ask Danny about that. I only learned last night when Sam phoned me just as she was leaving for California to attend her grandmother's funeral."

"So we have an inspection in ten minutes, we're opening the bar several hours earlier, and already I have two problems with Emma." Just then Ben's phone rang.

"Hi Ben! It's Gene."

"Gene the 'friend' who I haven't spoken to since you nearly destroyed the wedding I foolishly invited you to?"

"Yeah, same guy. Anyway, I need you to give me $500 for bail. There's this drunk and disorderly thing."

"Having not seen you in two years, why should I do that?"

"Well I didn't want to force the issue, but if you don't I'm going to say the fracas I was involved with was all your fault."

"Again, I haven't seen you in two years, so I think I'm good."

"I thought you would say that. But there's all these other hijinks we engaged in before you became a father. And I still have evidence of them on my cell phone." Ben was silent. "Ben, I'm going to need an answer. Time is a bit of a factor, so I don't hear from you in twenty minutes..." Gene then hung up, and just then the waitress tapped Ben on the shoulder. "Ben, do you remember Inez?"

Ben did remember the waitress he had dismissed a month earlier when he caught her palming money from the till. "Well, she says she's pregnant and that you're the father."

"That's a bloody lie. I mean, about my being the father. I don't know whether she's pregnant or not."

"Well she said that she'd rather talk to you than to your girlfriend."

Ben remembered that when he had fired her, she had tried to evade punishment by doing a striptease in his office. Nothing happened, but it had taken him a couple of minutes to stop staring and throw her out of the bar. If she had recorded that somehow...

Just then the firefighters started entering the bars. "Oh, the inspectors have arrived early." the Waitress added. Ben's phone rang again. "Hi Ben, it's Gene again. Remember when I said you had twenty minutes. Yeah, I'm going to have change that to ten." Just as Ben was trying to take his bearings Naomi came in.

"Hello Ben, I just thought I'd step in to see how Riley was."

"Riley's at work." Then an idea came to Ben. "Naomi, could you watch Emma for a few minutes?"

"I could watch her all day if you want." But Ben had to leave her to welcome both the inspectors and the firefighters. The next two hours was very chaotic. Ben had to satisfy both groups who were both very picky and been both overpromised to expect a lot from him. Even worse he had to fend off everyone and make a mad dash to the precinct station where Gene was, only to find him already gone. When he got back he realized something. Ben walked over to the waitress.

"Where's Emma?"

"Oh that woman said she had to leave and was taking Emma with her."

"What?! You mean Naomi took her? When did she do this?"

"Oh a few minutes after she came in."

Ben quickly called Naomi. No answer. He left a message and then smiled unconvincingly when one of the inspectors tapped him on his shoulder. Ten minutes later and several annoying calls later, he called Naomi again. Still no answer, so he left another message. Another chaotic fifteen minutes and he called Naomi again. Still no answer, and so he left another message. Another anarchic ten minutes and he called Naomi again. Still no answer. Rather than leaving a fourth message Ben called Riley and found his number was blocked. He quickly moved to the bar and called Riley from the telephone there. He heard Riley pick up the phone. "Ben, I am never going to speak to you again." And she hung up.

Ben tried to collect his thoughts. "Can you get Inez here in twenty minutes?" She could. Ben then called Tucker, whose job today was made unusually difficult by numerous inaccurate weather reports. "Look, Tucker, I need you to call Riley. You need to tell her that I've taken her favorite Beanie babies and her law degree and the necklace her great grand mother gave her just before she died and that I'm at the bar trying to fence them."

"Why would you do something like that?!"

"I'm not. But I need you to call Riley immediately and say that I am."

Twenty minutes later Ben was in his office with Inez. She was exceptionally smug. "You should realize that my price has gone up."

"You're still trying to blackmail me? But you already lied to Riley about my sleeping with you."

"I can tell other lies. Sexual assault is a promising growth area."

"You wouldn't!"

"Now I know that false rape claims are very rare. Which means by the time..." But just then Riley burst into the office. "BENJAMIN WHEELER, WHERE THE HELL ARE MY BEANIE BABIES!? And also my necklace! And my law degree!"

"Hi Riley. Good question. And here's the answer." And then he replayed Inez confessing to lying and blackmailing.

Inez put on a bold front. "It's illegal to record people without their permission."

"That's in Maryland," Riley reminded her.

"Oh."

"But it's illegal in New York to blackmail people."

"Oh." Inez appeared unfazed. Then she immediately dashed out of the office and the bar. "What's going on?" Riley asked.

"Quite a lot actually." And Ben explained everything as quickly as he could, even though one of the inspectors came in to nag him. "But the important thing is Naomi. I can't find her!"

"Calm down. I have her boyfriend's number, and I think I can find her parents' and her brother's number." But after fifteen minutes of being harassed by the inspector, Ben learned that Riley had no luck in getting any clue to her whereabouts. He tried to think, though he did a better job of trying not to scream in frustration. "OK, we can't file a missing persons report on Emma because it's only been a few hours. OK, so as much as I hate the idea, I am just going to have to ignore Emma for the next few hours and hope Naomi hasn't stolen her. Need to focus. OK, one of us needs to stay here and meet with Child's Services, not to mention run the bar, and the other one has to go to the daycare centre and deal with them." Ben looked at Riley.

"You're asking me to play hooky from my job, even though my firm is demanding that I get my project done as soon as possible?"

"Yeah, I know. But I literally cannot be in two places at once."

Riley took a deep breath and slowly exhaled. She then kissed Ben. "Cover for me" as she raced out the door. Soon she was at Emma's daycare centre and received a glacial welcome from the three leading board members. Riley was disconcerted that she was not actually meeting the teachers or the daycare helpers, but the people who ran the whole daycare company with its many city wide centres. The three sat at one end of a table and Riley sat down at a chair opposite them. In the centre was the Head of the board. He was tall, grey-haired, and very serious. He did not smile. He did not invite Riley to give her opinion. He did not mention Ben or Emma once, though he glared viciously when Riley's cell phone rang a couple of times. She hoped it was from or about Naomi, but it was actually her superiors and she had to lie with some brazenness in front of the panel.

This went on for an hour, actually considerably more than an hour, until the Head finally stopped, or more accurately slowed down. If he hadn't actually mentioned Ben or Emma, he had more clear his contempt for anyone who thought they had any right to criticize him. Nevertheless Riley chose this moment to speak up.

"Look, Ben is an amazing father..."

"Of course you'd say that," snapped the Board Member on the Head's right. "Do you have any idea how often we hear that?"

"Look, I'm not sure you appreciate how hard this has been for Ben, or how steep a learning curve..."

"Actually it's our job to know everything raising two year old children," complained the Board Member on the Head's left. "And we have known for considerably longer than Ben Wheeler has. Let alone someone whose only knowledge of raising children comes from dating him."

An idea struck Riley. "Excuse me. Why do you all think I'm here?"

"Clearly you are here," droned the Head, "to seek to justify Mr. Wheeler's conduct."

"Conduct that we personally find absolutely unreasonable," asserted the Left Board Member.

"And quite pernicious as well," echoed the Right Board Member. "Clearly this is about him suing the daycare centre."

"Excuse me, about who doing what now?"

"It's extremely clear. Supposedly we threatened Emma's health and safety and he is demanding a most exorbitant sum of money."

Another idea came to Riley. "When did Ben actually talk to you?"

"He hasn't actually been talking to us. But he's been constantly badgering our receptionist all day."

"So, it's your receptionist who's actually been doing all the communicating? May I see her?"

"I don't think that would be a particularly good idea," asserted the Head.

"And anyway, she's only a temp worker who's already left for the day." added the Left Board Member.

After another half an hour Riley managed to convince the Board that Ben was not suing them and that for some reason the receptionist they barely knew was playing a very odd joke on them. After clearing that up Riley raced back to the extremely boring and very pressing legal matter and spent the rest of the afternoon actually succeeding in getting it done. This involved telling Ben several times that she couldn't talk to him and then racing back to the bar after six o'clock. She collected herself, straightened the hair, took care to smile and strode into the bar right up to Ben, who promptly fainted into her arms.

A few minutes later Ben recovered, with Riley, Bonnie and Tucker beside him. "God, this is the most horrible day. And the two inspectors from Child Services have made everything worse."

"Oh my God," exclaimed Riley. "I forgot all about them. What's been going on?"

"Well, I've had to spend the afternoon bluffing them because I don't actually have a child for them to inspect. My mother tried flirting with them. But one of them was gay. And the other one was a devout Catholic. And really prefers redheads. The thing is, they're not going away. They'll be back in an hour or two, and we still have no sign of Naomi!" Ben took a deep breath. "I need my daughter. And if I can't produce her I could lose her forever. I can't believe this is happening."

Tucker suggested that this was all a plot, and that Angela was behind it. But a thorough search of social media revealed that she had spent the last two weeks in Hawaii as part of her TV show, making that unlikely. Just then Ben's phone rang. Ben answered and nodded several times. There was an audible click as the person on the other end hung up. "That's Child Services. It's too late for them to be by the bar this evening."

"Oh, that's a relief." sighed Riley.

"Not really, since they're going to be at my apartment at 8:30 this evening. And if I don't have a very convincing explanation for where Emma is, they're going to get a court order taking her away from me."

"Can they do that?" asked Bonnie.

"Apparently the Catholic who prefers redheads knows a judge. So if anybody has good ideas I would really appreciate them. Right now I still have a bar to run." And indeed Ben did have a lot to do that the meetings had been delaying all day. As such he was completely occupied for the next two hours until he had to race back to his apartment. So it was quite ironic that Naomi had already arrived there a few minutes earlier. "You've had a very long day Emma. So it's best to put you to bed."

Ben didn't hear Naomi when he arrived at this apartment, and Naomi was too busy putting Emma into her pajamas to hear him frantically pace as he ran out of options. Ben didn't pace that long for the official knocked on the door and invited himself in. Ben quickly decided to buy time by showing the official every room of the apartment. So he pushed him into Tucker's room the very instant that Naomi exited Ben's room to go to the bathroom. Ironically, they also missed each other by seconds when she left the bathroom and Ben showed the official Danny's room. And they missed each other yet again when Ben showed the official the living room while Naomi ducked under the kitchen counter wondering if there was anything in the bottom shelves. Riley just then burst into the apartment gasping and panting. "Ben! Guess who has a _really_ good knowledge of the law and can race up six flights of stairs without breaking a sweat? Oh, you've already met."

"Riley! Why don't you show this conscientious public official next door where Emma has wandered to, the little Dickens." And he managed to push him out the door. But before he could take a breath Naomi stood up behind him. "Oh there you are. I thought I heard voices."

"Naomi!? Where is Emma?!"

"She's in the bedroom. I just put her down."

"WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN ALL DAY?"

"Well it's Yom Kippur today, so I've been in synagogue all day."

"Yom Kippur?"

"Of course. It's the holiest day of the year. You spend all day confessing your sins and praying to God for forgiveness until the sun sets."

Ben realized something. "The sun set two hours ago."

"Well I hadn't eaten anything for more than 24 hours. So I had to eat something. Not to mention feed Emma. Actually I wasn't sure if Emma would be good among strangers, but she was surprisingly well behaved. Although there was the incident with the toy truck..."

"Why did you take her away all day?!"

"I thought that's what you wanted. You asked if I could take care of her all day."

"No, I asked if you could take care of her for a few minutes."

"Did you?" Naomi tried to remember. "Oh you did say that. It was just that you were so busy and your waitress said Emma couldn't go to daycare, and I had to leave very quickly. When you put it that way, I suppose it could be alarming."

"Alarming!?" Ben resisted the temptation to hyperventilate. He then resisted the temptation to scream. "But why didn't you answer your phone?"

"You can't have a phone ring during a high holy days service. So I turned it off. Though it occurs to me I haven't turned it back on." She did so. "Oh! Look at all the messages!"

Just then the official returned with Riley futilely trying to delay him. "Oh sweet Jesus. I mean hello Naomi! What a perfectly ordinary day! And nothing at all is strange or wrong at all!"

The official was not remotely convinced. "This is extremely suspicious. I am beginning to think that you have lost your daughter!" But just then Emma raced into the common area. "Daddy!" she squealed as she hugged his legs. Ben scooped her up. "Well I think we've solved that problem!"

"No we haven't. There is something very wrong here. I am going to need a responsible adult to give an objective opinion. Not you!" he said to Bonnie as she and Tucker entered the apartment.

"Look, I can vouch for Ben." said Tucker "I'm a professional weatherman."

"Yes.. And I also noted a large amount of pornography in your room. Somebody else!"

"Look, I'm a lawyer." interrupted Riley, "and Ben is a wonderful father."

"So just to make clear you're the woman Wheeler is sleeping with instead of being with Emma's mother?"

"That's umm not quite accurate."

"What, the part about you sleeping with Wheeler outside of wedlock or him not being married to Emma's mother?"

"Wow," said Tucker. "I'm beginning to think those two decades of Republican mayors was a bad idea."

"Look, if I don't have a responsible adult support give an opinion..."

"What about me?" asked Naomi.

With some alarm, Ben and Riley watched the official examine Naomi's credentials. "What can you tell me about Wheeler?"

"I can say that Ben Wheeler is a conscientious father who is utterly devoted to his daughter. He is dedicated to her health, education and future welfare. He has repeatedly shown maturity and self sacrifice for Emma. Furthermore..."

And after two hours of persistent questioning, the official reluctantly agreed and left them alone. And thus ended the third time that Naomi had complicated Ben's life. But aside from that she soon became a true friend. Indeed, she was invaluable for soon uncovering the elaborate conspiracy by Angela's new boyfriend to ruin Ben's life and take Emma away from him. And although her devotion to cinema could be off-putting, it was clear that she had vastly improved Ben's taste in movies, as well as Riley's. And despite the awkwardness of her presence, it was also clear that her being a roommate was vital in helping Riley pay her $40,000 law school debt. And once she realized that Ben was genuinely interested in cinema she did try to accommodate him with Melville, Renoir, Lubitsch, Kurosawa and Hawks on the viewing night menu. This does not mean Naomi stopped pushing her own views, as 27 screenings over two decades before Ben finally got the point of _L'Aventura_ showed. But you had to admire a friend who successfully insisted that Riley's bachelor party was spent watching _The Sorrow and the Pity._ And so Ben learned more about cinema, actually being able to talk for fifteen minutes about Iranian movies, appreciating the finer points of _The Magnificent Ambersons_ and valuing Astaire/Rogers movies in their own right and not just as excellent date movies for Riley.

But for some strange reason, he just couldn't get _The Princess Bride._


	6. Chapter 6: Tricolour

_Three things about this chapter. First, it's about Ben and Riley's honeymoon and while it's hardly explicit, sex is a theme. Second, while the story fits with the previous chapters, I also wanted to suggest how Ben and Riley could be together in the unlikely event the show allows that to happen. Third, I've noticed a slight inconsistency in time, having a gap of eleven months between finally getting together and their marriage, when what I've said about their family suggests six months is more likely. Oh well._

 **WEDNESDAY DAY 5**

As Tucker trudged out of his apartment building at 2:15 in the morning he wondered if he was dreaming. No, he realized. He wasn't dreaming now because a few minutes before he _had_ been dreaming. He was about to have sex with both Beyonce and Ashley Graham when Ben woke him up and said they had to go to the bar. What he was feeling was actually worse than dreaming. Going back to his days as a teenage dork, he remembered the concept of parallel universes. In his universe Ben and Riley had been dating for several months. They had, of course, been having sex. Then a few weeks ago, Ben, in his capacity as bar owner had problems getting paid by one of his suppliers. As partial payment, the debtor allowed him use of a hall at a hotel he owned in Connecticut. Ben realized that this would be a perfect opportunity to get married. Everything would have to be done very quickly. But Riley agreed, and her parents realized they could save a fortune this way. There were all sorts of problems and hiccups, but the wedding had taken place four days ago. Yes, that was what had happened in his universe. But there was another universe where Riley had been dating Danny and was going to marry him in the same hall. But at the very last possible minute she realized that she was actually in love with Ben. So in that universe she married Ben, Danny impulsively married Rebecca, Riley's sister, and as compensation Ben not only said that Danny could use the honeymoon suite, but he should take all the tickets and reservations for the honeymoon. In this universe, booking the actual honeymoon was one thing Ben had missed, and Danny was on a week's vacation with his girlfriend. Different universes, different paths, but with identical unconsummated marriages, and no honeymoon.

The two entered the bar, and Ben raced to his office. As Tucker watched groggily, Ben brought out a portable radio and a complicated device. He turned on the radio, then he tried to connect the telephone at the actual bar to the device. He then went back to the office and brought the telephone there as well as a laptop. He also sought to connect his cellular phone to the device, which he tried to program. "Tucker, I have a plan to make me the best husband in the world to Riley! And I need your phone!"

"Where the hell is Riley?"

"You know perfectly well where she is."

"I'm barely awake. Right this minute I don't know why I'm your friend."

"She's in Albany."

"Why the hell would she be in Albany?"

"Duh, she's a lawyer. And since Albany's the capital that's where the Court of Appeals is as well."

"OK, my next question is why are we listening to one of the most irritating radio stations in the city?"

"Because it's also the richest one, and it can give out really great prizes. Do you remember Carlotta?"

"You mean that hot little number you hired as a waitress last week? And who when I asked her out started to laugh, but then just giggled uncontrollably?" Tucker suddenly felt very sad.

"Exactly. Her brother works at the station. And in return for employing his sister, and for fifty dollars, he promised to give me a thirty minutes heads up for their latest trivia prize. This device is a modified automatic dialer, and it will make sure that I can actually reach the trivia hotline."

Tucker was now awake, but the strange feeling of living in simultaneous parallel universes still chilled him. "OK. It occurs to me there is one really big flaw with this plan. You are not that good at trivia. In fact, we've played enough games to say with some confidence that you are often fairly bad at it."

"I'm aware of the problem. But I've been boning up over the last month. And you on the laptop will be my ace in the hole."

"Cheating Ben? Why that's...exactly what I would do. Except I'd do..." But just then the radio announced the trivia contest. Ben switched on the automatic dialer and watched it make awkward noises for a few seconds as he waited nervously to see if he would be the 17th caller. Then his cell phone got the line: "Tremendous Trivia Triathalon! It's truly, truly, truly Triviariffic!"

"So, what's your name?"

"Ben Wheeler!"

"And are you about to be married within the next six months, or have you been married within the last six?"

"Yes! To the second! I got married just last Saturday!"

"And what does the lucky lady do?"

"She's a lawyer."

"Really? Oh." After an embarrassing silence, the DJ resumed. "Anyway, you know how this works. You must answer three sets of three questions, plus a tenth to win the grand prize. Are you ready to play?"

Ben was, or at least was foolhardy to say so on live radio. The first question involved naming five state capitals, none of which were the state's largest cities. Ben got all five. The second was actually three sports questions. One was an easy baseball question, while the two hockey questions would have been very tricky for someone whose brother wasn't in the New York Rangers. The third question was the first one Tucker had to use the laptop for as Ben delayed the question long enough to find out who won Best Actor for 1958.

That was the first set. The fourth question involved three difficult questions about cocktails. The radio station had call display and had the automatic caller displayed the bar's number instead of Ben's cell they would have given him three questions about botany he would have completely botched. The fifth question involved two questions about the Supreme Court that Ben was able to answer because Riley had lectured him after a party with her workmates. The sixth involved American novelists that was not very difficult.

"OK. You answered the first six questions. You can stop here and get the prize for answering six questions. You can continue on with the last four questions. After each question you can stop and take the increased prize. But if you answer any of the questions wrong you lose everything, and we will make fun of you on live radio and tell your friends what a loser you are. What are you going to do Mr. Wheeler?"

"I'm going all the way."

"As I'm sure you said to your wife too many times to count." Tucker started to laugh, but was cut short by Ben's glare. Question seven was copied from Jeopardy final challenges, but Ben had been studying them on the internet for the last three weeks and so was able to answer it. Question eight was a question from Greek mythology that Ben was able to delay long enough for Tucker to google the answer. Question nine was deceptively easy: Ben did in fact know that Congress and the Presidency were controlled by separate parties. "Now Mr. Wheeler, for the final question I'm going to need you to send me a picture of me so I can see what you're doing." Ben's cell phone was able to do that, after keeping Tucker and the laptop out of sight. "Now Ben, I notice two wash cloths and a towel nearby. You're going to have wrap all three over your eyes. Make sure you don't cover your ears, because you need to hear my instructions." After Ben did that, the DJ resumed. "This is the tenth and final question. You win this and you win everything. But if you don't you lose everything. You have fifty seconds to do this. Name all fifty states. Not 40, not 47, not 49. All 50. And they all have to be real. And the 50 seconds start NOW!"

Ben immediately responded by rattling off a list of names. And Tucker who had been googling to no good use found he was having a catnap. Yes! He was back with Beyonce! He had a plan. What was it again? Oh right it involved... "Wyoming!"

Tucker abruptly woke up. There was a silence at the radio station. Then: "Mr. Wheeler, you can take the towels off you head." There was another silence. "Oh I'm sorry, Mr. Wheeler. I really truly am. If you had been lucky, you could spend the weekend drinking beer, playing video games, doing a lot of man stuff that women just don't appreciate. But unfortunately you named all fifty states which means you are going to have to spend a week in the most pretentious place..."

 **SUNDAY DAY 2**

Nobody had run a pool on how long it would take Ben and Riley to consummate their marriage. This was a good idea because nobody thought that it would take, as Ben looked at his watch a minute after midnight, eight hours, twenty-three minutes and fifteen seconds. And counting. Ben had a strange feeling of deja vu. Except that it wasn't. He remembered the night before. Riley's friend Naomi had managed by sheer will to convince the bridal party to watch _The Sorrow and the Pity._ Ben's last night as a bachelor had been a riot of drink, debauchery and degradation. He hadn't actually been there with his friends: instead he had spent the evening with Riley's parents introducing them to Emma. This wasn't quite the exercise of mature sacrifice it appeared. There was the fiasco of his stepfather's bachelor party, and while the Perrins bore most of the costs of the wedding, Ben still had to pay a lot. So given the choice between having a stripper and not eating for the next month, it was better to spend the wedding eve with Mrs. Perrin's snide commentary. And yet Ben was remembering other things, things that hadn't happened. Like it was Danny who was about to marry Riley and Ben was to spend the evening making sure Danny didn't marry somebody else, or sleep with the stripper. But he had gone to Riley's bachelorette party, and a cousin thought _he_ was the stripper. And so she handcuffed him to Riley as a joke. And then lost the key. This involved Ben seeing Riley in her wedding dress right up until the marriage. Ben shook his head. That wasn't what happened. But it certainly felt that was what happened. After all it was bad luck for the groom to see the bride in the wedding dress. And he couldn't be less lucky to be spending his wedding night on a chair outside his bridal suite, with his very angry wife on the other side of the door.

Someone with only a vague knowledge of Ben might think that his brother and Tucker were his only friends. After Saturday, Ben wished that were true, because several of those other "friends" had ruined everything. A couple of high school friends remembered every spiteful comment Ben had made about Gigantor Riley. Even worse, others had found on Ben's cell photo's several risque photos of Riley he had taken, including a couple she hadn't realized he had done. Then a couple of more friends thought these photos were too boring, and thought it would be fun to photoshop them to make them more X-rated. And then a couple of more friends thought it would be fun to post those on the internet. Riley ran off to the bridal suite, and Ben had to try to reason with her while dealing with the ashes of the wedding party. He had spent the last hour and a half begging, pleading, cajoling, bribing and occasionally intimidating Riley to get her to open the door. He didn't realize that Riley had rushed to the bridal suite bathroom, along with some drinks with minibar, and that she couldn't hear Ben at all. And after crying and consoling herself with small bottles of alcohol, she had flung herself on the bed and fallen instantly asleep.

What to do? Going to the hotel bar was very tempting, and a very bad idea. The best thing was to stay here and hope that Riley would change her mind. In the meantime, he looked at the one wedding gift he had taken with him. Naomi had given the two of them a collection of Keats' poems. "Riley, I guess you don't want to hear from you. Maybe you'd prefer to hear from John Keats." So Ben first read "Ode to a Nightingale," the one Keats poem he had remembered thanks to a neurotically persistent high school English teacher. He then read "Ode on a Grecian Urn," "Ode to Psyche," "La Belle Dame Sans Merci." He kept reading, and though he quickly lost any belief that this was doing any good he was careful not to let it show. He did this for more than two hours until he finally fell asleep reading "Lamia" and fell off his chair.

When he woke up it was eight hours later, and he was in a strange bedroom. He didn't realize that one of the maids had noticed him, and she and some of the other staff members had placed him a cot in the basement. He raced up to the front desk and asked if anyone had seen his wife. The clerk on duty said that she had just left to go to a diner, and gave instructions to find it. Not only were the instructions needlessly complicated, but Ben realized that the clerk thought the "blonde, beautiful and somewhat angry woman" Ben had indicated was not actually Riley but his mother. (In all fairness Bonnie did identify herself as Mrs. Wheeler, something Riley would never do in public.) So he raced back to the hotel and found that he had missed Riley.

The next few hours involved going back to New York City, changing his clothes, dealing with the bar, worrying about picking up Emma, realizing that he had left his cell phone back in the hotel and asking Tucker to get it back. It was after five when Ben had a break from the bar and came back to his apartment with Emma, only to find Riley at the table staring at her laptop. "Have you seen this?" she asked.

"Oh dear God, I hope not."

Riley swung the laptop around. It was Ben reading Keats: somebody had noticed him and had posted it to YouTube. Somebody had alerted Riley to it, and she had spent the last hour and a half watching it. "I'm such a bad wife. And this is the sweetest thing anyone has ever done for me."

Ben's confidence immediately rushed back, along with a fair portion of his overconfidence. "No, it isn't." He lifted Riley out of the chair and gave her a deep kiss. "Not even close." A rather large problem immediately presented itself. "OK, we've got to do something about my kid."

"Actually there's a lot of things we should be doing. There's the whole taking over the threshold thing. I'm just wondering whether we should do that now, or when we actually more into our new apartment." (Ben and Riley had decided to move into a new apartment exactly a floor below Riley's, which had the advantage of having two bedrooms.) Just then Riley's cell rang. "Oh, for the love of Christ." Ben muttered. It was Riley's law firm. Since she hadn't actually started her honeymoon could she come down and help with a very complicated legal appeal that was going to Albany this week? And when the firm said "could she" it actually meant, "she must, or else."

Riley was sheep-faced as she left for the office. "I swear I will make this up to you."

 **MONDAY DAY 3**

It was past 10:30 when Riley finally returned, or stumbled, back to Ben's apartment. She had been working for more than fifteen hours straight, and this was after less than six hours of sleep the previous night. Riley was trying to get the unbelievably dull, extremely complicated property case out of her mind. For some reason she remembered a collection of Feiffer cartoons that her maternal grandmother had. There was this cartoon from the seventies about this woman suffering the grind of the rat race and wishing she was married. The punchline was that in fact she was married. And then Riley remembered that she was too.

She opened the door and found Ben at the table, with candles and a bottle of wine. Ben was there reading a magazine when he noticed Riley. "You're here!" The pieces gradually coalesced in her mind. Yes, two hours ago she had told Ben she was "just going out the door." But then a superior vetoed that. Ben had prepared a romantic dinner, but it had never actually started.

"You actually cooked something?"

"What? No, of course not. I ordered some pizza. But most of it's in the fridge. I'll reheat some."

"Actually I ate at the office. I'm sorry. I am so sorry. And it's not getting better. I have to be out of here by six and go to Albany for this case. The good news is that I'll be back on Thursday."

"That's the good news?" Just then Emma came bounding into the room in her pajamas. "Mommy Mommy Mommy!" she squealed as she ran up to hug Riley.

"She's still up?"

"I'm sorry. I let her stay up when I thought you'd be here earlier."

"No Ben, this is ridiculous. Look I'm very tired, and I need to change. But I promise I will spend fifteen minutes with you doing-something."

"OK, I'll put Emma to bed." He kissed Riley, and then picked up his daughter. Riley entered Ben's room and kicked off her shoes. Why do I wear high heel shoes? Oh right, I'm insecure and need to look taller. It's odd. For some reason I feel that Ben has never actually touched me. I mean "Let's not have sex in the four weeks before our wedding! It'll be romantic!" looks like a really bad idea.

Riley lay down on the bed. She could hear Ben putting Emma in the crib outside. Soon they would have their own apartment and Emma would have her own room. "I'm sorry kiddo. But sometimes things can't be helped. I'm going to tell you something. Even before I realized I was in love with Riley I knew she was a wonderful woman. Just a couple of weeks after I first saw you I said that I wanted you to be like her when you grow up. And I want you to be like her, intelligent, resourceful, determined, perhaps a touch fewer panic attacks. And there's another thing I want to tell you. As you know more about me, you'll find out that I'm capable of...staggeringly awful judgement. Especially about women. But here is one thing: I would never marry anyone who didn't love you as much as I did. And I am so lucky that Riley is the one woman who loves you as much as I do." Riley smiled: it helped ease the headache she had been battling the whole evening.

Ben finally left Emma to sleep. "I am going to have to find a less lame lullaby." He approached his bedroom when he realized that the last thing he had eaten were two pizza slices with plenty of garlic and onions. He went to the bathroom to get some breath freshener. A minute later he entered the bedroom and found Riley fast asleep. He took a deep breath. Nothing worth having comes easily. "But seriously, does it have to be this hard?" He put a blanket over Riley, got into his pajamas and cuddled up beside her.

 **THURSDAY DAY 6**

Well, I feel miserable, thought Riley. Seriously, who do I have to sleep with so the senior partners will get off my back? Clearly, not my husband. Dear God, I just want to sleep, period. This is so ridiculous. It's like every time we get closer something pushes us further apart. It's like if God was telling me that we shouldn't be together. No, it wasn't God. It was her smug little sister who concealed her glee at Riley's plight behind a screen of deniable pseudo-sympathy. Riley took a deep breath and counted to ten. I am not going to break. There is no shortage of people in Manhattan who work much much harder than I ever will. And there are married couples who have to wait much much longer than me and Ben. I can do this. I can get through this. We are going to be so mature, we'll be fricking awesome. When we look back at this we will just laugh and laugh. Nothing is going to stop us or our love. It's just not going to happen tonight.

At that moment Bonnie sat by her new daughter-in-law in the bar. It was about one-thirty, and Ben would be here any minute. Mrs. Wheeler was genuinely sympathetic. She genuinely wasn't cheering for her son and Riley to be apart, so that the marriage would collapse and Riley would be with Danny. Or even better leave their life altogether. That way Danny would have a really cool wife and who Bonnie could have fun with, while Ben could be with well, whoever. Somebody who was also more fun, but also someone Danny had no interest in, because why then should Ben have her? No, Bonnie was not inwardly smiling and saying "I told you so." She was genuinely sincere when she commiserated Riley. Well, mostly.

Fortunately for both women, Ben arrived, followed by Tucker. "Ben! I actually have good news!"

"Does it involve fifteen minutes of free time?"

"No. Not until late Friday night."

"Really? Because I'm actually incredibly, unbelievably flexible. Five minutes would be fine. Maybe even three."

"Actually, I actually did something useful in the last two days." She picked up a box by her chair. "Look I completed all our thank-you notes for our wedding gifts!" Just then the waitress came up to the table carrying a similar box. "Hello Ben. Now that your wife's here, I brought you the box of the thank you notes you spent all your free time yesterday completing."

"Wow," sneered Tucker. "It's like 'The Gift of the Magi,' only even lamer."

Ben pushed the boxes aside. "Riley, do you know why I love you so much?"

"You have really poor judgement, and couldn't get anyone better?" Bonnie volunteered.

"Actually what I really love about you today is that two years ago you nagged at me to get a passport. And today that pays off in spades. Because I am such a wonderful husband, we are starting our honeymoon first thing Saturday morning."

"Where did you get the money to go on a honeymoon on such short notice?"

"He didn't." Tucker explained. "He won a radio station trivia contest."

"How did _you_ win a trivia contest?"

"Well I helped him with questions about David Niven and the Orestian trilogy. But quite frankly I don't believe it either."

"Look, that's not important," Ben interjected. "We are going to spend a week in your favorite place on earth. You said it was your perfect honeymoon spot. Danny comes back Saturday, and will handle the bar. All you have to do is clear it with your bosses. Can you do that?"

"Absolutely! Hell yes! But where are we going?"

"We're going to Paris!"

"Paris?!" Tucker and Bonnie had never seen Riley this happy.

"Yes. The Eiffel Tower, the Louvre, the Champs-Elysses, the Arc of Triumphs, a whole crapload of museums and so much more."

"Omigod Ben! This is unbelievable! I love you so much! You actually found a ship that will take us to Paris!"

Ben was taken aback. "Uh no, we're taking a plane."

Riley's face fell. "But I can't fly planes."

"Of course you can."

"Why can't we take a ship?"

"Because the radio station paying our way only gave us a plane ticket."

"But I'm petrified of planes! Couldn't you ask them to see if we could go by ship?"

"Riley, look I know you have a phobia about planes. But they are the safest form of transportation."

"Really? Really? Really? When was the last time someone took an ocean liner and crashed it into the 80th floor of the Empire State Building?!"

"Riley, you've been on planes before. You were with Mom when we all went to Las Vegas."

"Yes, but I was distracted by her endless, insulting chattering." Riley blushed at Bonnie. "No offense."

"Look Riley. We all have our problems, our weaknesses, our irritating foibles. As everyone will tell you, I have so many more than you. Consider this one of the very few examples where that's not the case. But if you can take the strength that made you a successful, esteemed lawyer and the discipline that transformed you from an ugly duckling to the beautiful woman you are now, you can conquer this fear. And I will be there all the time to see you through it. And then everyone can go back to reminding us how I'm so much worse than you." He held Riley's hands in his and looked deep into her eyes.

Three seconds passed. "But I can't fly! I'm terrified of planes!"

Ben frantically thought of a new strategy when Riley's phone rang. The others saw and heard a superior scream into her ears over her reluctance to work 16 hours days. "Ben, you know that three minutes you asked for? Actually that ended half an hour ago. I'm sorry, I really have to go." She got up and quickly kissed Ben. Then she raced out the door. As she neared the subway station she tried to think. My God. My husband has just pulled out a vacation to Paris out of thin air. That's absolutely fricking unbelievable. Why I am presenting difficulties? Alright, the bravado Ben put into this could lead him to blow all our savings at Atlantic City. No, that's idiotic. The perfect honeymoon is right within our grasp, and I'm being completely unreasonable. The only thing I'm worrying about is the sheer terror of falling tens of thousands of feet in the air with no hope of survival. Or being instantly killed because a suicide bomber got on the plane. Or being swept out into the air because a terrorist opened one of the airplane doors. I mean i would be flying out and I could just see a shocked Ben as I fell helplessly to my death. Or the plane could make a water landing but a few seconds would trap me inside and I'd fall thousands of feet into the cold water and I'd either freeze, or suffocate or the water pressure would agonizingly crush me to death. And Ben would get out and he's probably a better swimmer than me and he'd be holding on for dear life only for me to realize instead of me he's actually saved an innocent child, a wonderful child so much better than selfish. sluttish me. Also, there are sharks. We could escape the plane, but a shark gets me and Ben watches me die...

Riley stood paralyzed just outside the station. I have to go. I have to make the next train. I simply cannot piss off my bosses. I have to go, I cannot turn back. Suddenly a car door closed and Riley impulsively raced to the bar. Ben was talking to his main waitress when Riley grabbed and embraced him with a deep, deep kiss. "OK. I am going to tell my bosses that I am leaving for vacation this Saturday! When do we leave?"

"Our plane leaves LaGuardia at 8:30 in the morning. So we have to be there at seven so the radio station can give us our tickets and travel information!"

"I will be there!"

"And we'll be in Paris 10PM evening!"

"Yes!"

"And we'll have a wonderful flight without any problems!"

"Maybe!" And then Riley rushed out praying that her supervisors would cut her some slack. Bonnie approached her son. "Ben, booking a flight for your honeymoon was not the most sensitive thing you could have done to Riley."

This immediately raised a red flag with Ben. "And you know, I've never actually been to Paris."

"Well this nice thing about having a young rich husband is that you can suggest vacation ideas to him."

"Well, I was just thinking, that if Riley was unable to go, you might consider taking me."

Ben stared at Bonnie. "The whole point of the contest is that I'm taking my wife. I can't take my mother, even if I wanted to."

"That shouldn't be a problem. I could easily pass for Riley. Everybody thinks we could be sisters."

"Actually, Mom, nobody thinks that. And tempting though the idea is, I'd prefer not to have Homeland Security arrest you for passport fraud."

"I'm not suggesting you abandon Riley. I'm just raising it as an idea."

"I'm surprised you don't suggest I give my ticket to Brad as well."

"Oh, that would be a great idea! What's the point of going to Paris if you can't have sex!? I mean Ben you'd just be a third wheel."

"Mom, just drop it." Ben went to the back. Tucker joined him. "Ben, I have to go back to the weather station. But there's one thing I've got to know. How the hell did you name all fifty states blindfolded? I mean, they weren't even on my laptop."

"OK. I knew that naming all fifty states was the climax of the trivia challenge. They always end with that. A few months ago Naomi mentioned that in the 16th century scholars would train people in the arts of memory, creating memory palaces since all sources of information, from libraries to almanacs were so much rarer. The best way to remember the states is alphabetically. So try imagining three houses representing approximately equal number of states. There are 18 states starting from A to L. 16 states start with M or N, and another 16 states start from O to W. Then you can have rooms for each letter. There are four states starting with A, three start with C. D, F, G and H, four letters, start with one state each. Then there are four states staring with I, two with K, one with L. For the second house, 8 states each start with M and N. There are three "Mas", four "Mis" and Montana. There are four "News," two "Norths," Nebraska and Nevada. For the third house, three states start with 0, one each with P and R, there are two S, two T, one U, two V and four W."

"Wow. That actually makes sense. Kind of a shame you didn't use this kind of effort to get into college."

Ben spent the next couple of hours working while his mother suggested, hinted, cajoled, insinuated and badgered him to replace Riley with her. Around four o'clock she claimed this was actually a plot to ensure that Ben would have the independence to reject his mother's demands. "I tried this with Danny once. It was really painful for him to realize that I was being selfish and that for his own good he had to challenge me. But in the end he did the right thing, because of course he did. He's a wonderful son. We're all so lucky to have him." She paused, a little too obviously. "It's encouraging that you are standing up for yourself. I just can't help but thinking you're doing so just a bit too easily." She sniffed convincingly.

"Gee, thanks Mom."

 **SATURDAY DAY 8**

It was a beautiful morning in July when everyone arrived at LaGuardia at 6:55. There was not a cloud in the sky: it was certainly much less humid and sweltering than the July day three years in the future when Ben and Riley conceived their second daughter. Brad and Bonnie would take care of Emma, who at that moment was trying to get back to sleep. The radio station personnel were there to give Ben and Riley their tickets. They introduced the couple live on the air, joshed with Ben, while Riley dealt with the luggage. Despite all the bantering one of the announcers noticed something a bit off about Riley.

"There's nothing wrong. I just have a small fear of flying."

"Maybe you'd like a glass of Pepresco Orange Flavor! Pepresco, the nutritious way of AMAZING TASTE!"

Riley took the glass of overhyped Orange juice. It was alright on its own terms, but just then her fear kicked in, and she felt an overwhelming need to vomit. She dashed into a nearby restroom which the radio DJs tactlessly and incorrectly assumed was the result of pregnancy. As Ben waited for his wife to come out he realized that Bonnie was missing. He quickly excused himself and dashed after her just before she could join the security screening queue.

"Mom, give me back Riley's ticket and her passport."

"Ben, I don't know what you're talking about."

"Give them back now. If you don't I'll tell a security guard and you'll spend the rest of the morning being strip searched."

"Come on Benji. You need to think up a better threat."

Ben looked around him, and a better threat quickly came to him. "Mom, at two o'clock there's a Hispanic TSA agent. She's tall, extremely attractive, has very large breasts, for some reason is not wearing a bra, and is spending her leisure time reading a hard-core porn magazine."

"Ben, really. You're a married man."

"Yes. And surprisingly enough so is your husband. If you don't give me back Riley's documents within the next fifteen seconds, I'm going to tell that TSA agent that I overheard Brad saying suspicious things. Then he can spend the morning being strip searched."

Bonnie sourly accepted defeat as she handed the papers back to Ben. "Ungrateful brat." Just then Riley caught up with them. "Ben, I've lost my ticket and passport!"

"Don't worry. They fell out of your purse, but luckily Mom noticed them and picked them up. Here we go." Riley was suspicious, but decided to go to the queue. The radio station people made a few more bombastic statements, then let them go. Ben and Riley both kissed Emma goodbye. After going through security and approaching their gate Riley frowned. "I think I forgot something. But I can't remember what it is."

"We reviewed everything before we left. I wouldn't worry too much." After making the final turn before the gate arm-in-arm, Riley saw their plane. A spasm of fear shook her and she stumbled, abruptly yanking Ben. "Maybe you could think about it a little. It'll take your mind off the plane."

Once on the plane, Riley strummed the hand rest nervously while Danny tried to distract her by showing her the inflight entertainment system, then the safety instructions, then the tourist guide to Paris he had gotten from the library. This didn't really seem to improve matters, even as the plane moved away from the gate and slowly started to taxi down the runway. Then Ben remembered the end of _Say Anything_.

"Look Riley, If anything happens it usually happens in the first 5 minutes of the flight. Or at the end, but that's seven hours away. So when you hear that seat belt sign go ding you know everything's going to be okay. Now, I'm just going to keep talking until that ding happens, which is going to be soon All right?"

Riley nodded unconvincingly: more confidence would have helped. Overconfident on his part, Ben flattered Riley on her appearance, suggested she could take a nap, and gently caressed her hand. As the plane took off, Riley closed her eyes. "I still can't remember what I forgot."

"Maybe it was the incredibly hot bikini that you totally rock."

"Ben, you know perfectly well I don't own bikinis."

"Well what if we pretended that you did," and they chatted like this for a few minutes until the seat belt sign did in fact go ding. Riley audibly sighed with relief, and Ben held her hand gently. Then the engines made an unfamiliar noise and Ben winced when Riley nearly crushed his hand in panic.

"OK, when you were afraid as a child what did you mother say to you?"

"Let me see. Oh right, she said 'Stop being a crybaby.'" Riley thought about the problem. "A lot of our emotional states are chemical and hormonal. So what we need to do is do something that would cause a rush of endorphins and hormones and other things."

"Like what?"

"I was thinking sex."

"You mean we sneak off into one of the plane's bathrooms?"

"Well you are my loving husband, and I'm clearly your ailing wife." She hesitated. "It's not the most romantic way to consummate our marriage."

"Well, if anyone asks, we can just lie."

"OK! Let's do this!" The two got up and walked over to the nearest lavatory. But just then there was a bit of turbulence and Riley fainted dead away. After returning to their seats, Riley fretted, and audibly panicked when she felt a drop of water on her neck. She thought the plane's air conditioning system was about to collapse. Ben tried to get her through breakfast and with some difficulty soothed her to sleep. Meanwhile he glared at the bratty little kid behind them who deliberately flicked drops of water on Riley's neck. But half an hour later Riley woke up after a nightmare. Just then there was an announcement over the intercom. "Ladies and Gentleman, if you can focus your attention to the front of the plane, we'd like to introduce you to Benjamin Wheeler and Riley Perrin. They're newlyweds on their honeymoon to Paris." Most of the plane clapped politely, though a Chinese-American couple five rows behind them audibly wondered why they weren't being honored. A flight attendant came by and offered the two of them some complimentary champagne.

Riley took a sip. Then she took another sip. Then she took a large gulp. And when she quickly finished her glass, she started drinking some of Ben's glass. It turned out that alcohol did much to mitigate her fear of flying. It also meant that she was increasingly drunk. Soon she was babbling to Ben. "You know there's this guy. He's this bartender, and he thinks he's _really_ hot. He's started having this two or three day growth, and he's _so_ cocky and _vain_. It's _so silly_. What he doesn't know, doesn't know is that I _so_ want to do him. I am so so so so going to so so so...what was I talking about?" Later on: "Ooh. The sun's setting. But it's so early. It shouldn't be setting now. Open up your blind. Bye bye sun! Bye-bye!" Still later: "You know how in movies there's these plucky lawyers. And they save the day. They stop the polluters, or the wealthy malpracticers...or the churches covering up sexual abuse...or the police officers who've killed someone. My law firm is _so_ big, and _so_ rich and _so_ powerful. You know why? You know why? You know why? What we were talking about? Oh yeah, we are _so_ big, because we're on the other side. And we always win. That's why I'm working on this _silly_ property case. Because it's just a quarrel between these two rich jerks, and it doesn't really hurt any one if I actually win. And sometimes I hate myself because there are all these rich skanks at my office and they're much better than me as lawyers and there's my husband and there's something else and..." and then she fell asleep.

Eventually they landed. "Oh. We didn't blow up. I was so sure that we would. I was so sure I'm surprised I didn't tell someone. Maybe it was all my idea. Wouldn't that be funny? I mean..."

Ben placed his hand over Riley's mouth. "Maybe you could keep that to yourself, at least until we get through customs and aren't surrounded by police." And so they did, although Ben was very nervous since Riley kept giggling all the way through. Eventually they got their luggage, and Riley recovered enough so that her superior French could successfully direct them to the Metro that would take them to their hotel. But then the depressive effect kicked in once they were on. "I'm such a horrible person. Here I am forcing you to do all the hard work of being mature, when everyone knows that's such a stupid thing to do..." By the time they reached their very good hotel in Montparnasse, it was nearly midnight. The bellboy took their luggage, while Ben had to push and prod a nearly comatose Riley to their room. After the bellboy left, Ben picked up Riley and carried her over the threshold of their suite. There was no sign she was awake enough to notice this. After putting her on the bed, he sighed with frustration. He then got into his pajamas and lay down beside her.

 **SUNDAY DAY 9**

It was eight o'clock when Ben woke. What he saw was not encouraging. Yesterday Riley had worn a short, but not sluttish shirt, as well as a blue short sleeved shirt with an unnecessary collar. To Ben, she was the most beautiful woman in the world, even when she was panicking or drunk. Now today she had on a bag filled with ice on her head. She was wearing her reading glasses, and she made no attempt to style her hair. She was dressed very conservatively: a sweater, pants, another long-sleeved shirt. She had in fact been awake since five, and was furiously typing legal matters on her laptop.

Not only did Riley literally have a headache, since she was still suffering from a hangover, but it turned out that part of the agreement with her bosses in going on vacation was that she had to do some legal work. "Look, I have to do this. And it's easier for me to do this with a headache than anything else on my honeymoon. And the more you complain or disagree with me, the longer this is just going to take."

So Ben showered and dressed. The hotel offered a free breakfast. Ben went down to eat it, while Riley said she wasn't hungry. After that, Riley was still working so Ben decided to walk around Montparnasse. After an hour, he came back and Riley was not only still busy, she was still cross that Ben was interrupting her. So he went for another walk around Montparnasse and came back an hour later. Riley was still working (though her hangover was gone) and this time told that instead of interrupting her ever hour, he should just call the hotel room. This was actually a little awkward, since neither had brought their cell phones (it would be far too expensive to use them in Paris). But Ben reluctantly agreed. He called back at noon, with no success in getting Riley to stop her work. When he called back at one, Riley was even more hostile.

"Look, I can't have you interrupting me all the time. Instead of you calling me, I'll put something on twitter. Just check it every hour."

"Riley, are you going to be working on this all day?"

"Ben, stop whining about this! I'll be done when I'm done. You knew you were marrying a lawyer. Well lawyers actually have to work for a living!"

"Just one more thing."

"What?!"

"Is there any tourist attraction you actually don't want to see?"

"I have no desire to see the Eiffel Tower. If you've seen one very tall building where there is a risk of fanatical terrorists crashing a plane into it while you're at the top of it, you've seen them at all."

"All right. Just remember we promised Mom that we would skype her and Emma at eight tonight."

"Ben, I'm not going to be doing this until eight. Don't be ridiculous." And so Ben went off alone to the Eiffel Tower. It was a lovely afternoon, which only made it more painful that Ben had no one to share it with. He walked up the stairs, walked down them again. He asked people if he could check the internet on their phones so he could check twitter. Two o'clock. 2:45, 3:10, 3:35. No luck at all. He felt embarrassed that he knew so little French. He paced around the base of the tower.

After four o'clock, and still no progress, he finally snapped. He searched for a church, and found a confessional. The priest there didn't know English very well, so Ben went to another church and another confessional. The priest may not have known English very well, but he was so cold and unsympathetic that Ben felt compelled to leave. The third priest did listen to Ben rant for five or ten minutes about how completely unreasonable Riley was being. "Perhaps she's suffering from a medical problem." "She is. Her law firm is sucking the blood out of her and insists on storing my junk in liquid nitrogen!" But gradually Ben calmed down, and the more he did so, the guiltier he felt. Was he being punished for all his womanizing before he met her? Was he being punished for failing to love her when she was a fat and awkward kid? "Maybe she would have better off with Danny. Maybe I'm just being selfish. Do you know the worst thing? Sometimes I think that I've never touched her at all. That all the times we made love before were just an illusion."

"I'm not sure you're aware of this, but a complete absence of premarital sex is something the church has really gone out of its way to encourage."

Gradually Ben decided that being in Riley's presence would be half the battle. Apologizing profusely to the mildly bemused priest, Ben decided to return to Montparnasse. He went to an internet cafe to check Riley on twitter. Still no luck. He hadn't eaten anything since breakfast, but he didn't want to upset his appetite before dinner. So he walked around Montparnasse, and wasted an hour when he briefly got lost. Still nothing on Twitter, so he killed more time at an English language bookstore. It was ten past eight when he finally returned to his suite. Riley was still there, typing away madly on her legal documents, still dressed awkwardly. She was not happy to see him.

"Didn't I tell you to check Twitter before you started bothering me?"

"Riley it's past eight in the evening."

"It is?"

"Riley have you actually eaten anything today?"

"I've had some water."

"Riley you've been working fifteen hours on this. Is this property case really that important?"

"I'm not working on that case anymore. There's only such much legal research you can do on this laptop."

"Then what are you working on?"

"Oh a whole host of documents my superior keeps sending me."

"How many of them do you have to do?"

"Well the thing is the more I complete, the more she keeps sending me."

Ben was taken aback. "Well at least you're getting time and a half for this."

"I don't get paid time and a half. I'm a professional. Only common laborers get paid time and a half. Who do you think I am? A bus driver? A postal worker? A barten...Sorry."

"Well at least you're getting well paid for this."

"Well the thing is that I'm not being paid at all. The whole thing is a complex quasi-evaluation. It's sort of like an internship for people who could conceivably become junior partners."

Ben had enough. He went up to the laptop and closed it. "Ben! Do you have any idea of how much work I just lost?"

"I'm assuming your laptop saves every five to ten minutes, so not that much."

Riley frowned. "Well yes, but that's not the point."

"Look Riley. There are going to be a lot of times in our marriage when I'm going to be unreasonable and don't appreciate the hard work you do. There are going to be a lot of times when I'm too immature to realize all you've done for me. On those occasions feel free to call me a selfish jackass. But seriously this is not one of those occasions. I don't know why your law firm is constantly badgering you. But why don't you use your first rate legal mind to try and find a good reason to ignore their demands. Say your laptop got damaged on the flight. Say I looked at porn and infected it with a virus."

Riley pondered this. "I suppose I could try that. It's not that my superior thinks much of me anyway."

"That's the spirit!" Ben reopened the laptop and started setting up the Skype. Soon Emma and Bonnie were on the other side. "Daddy! Almost Mommy!"

"Almost Mommy?" asked Riley.

"Yes. I taught her that name myself," Bonnie beamed. "Wow, Riley! Usually you wait until after the honeymoon to let yourself go."

"How is everybody? How's Danny?" asked Ben.

"He's fine. He isn't actually here because right now he's having se-I-N-T-E-R-C-O-U-R-S-E with his girlfriend."

"Of course he is."

"Actually Ben we have a surprise for you. The whole gang is going to move everything from your room and from Riley's apartment. So you can move in when you return Saturday."

"That's great!" A thought occurred to Ben. "Mom, there's a box in the uppermost drawer in my bedroom. I keep it locked so that Emma can't enter it. If you could..."

"Don't worry Ben. I've already found your porn stash and thrown it out. You and Riley won't have to worry about it."

"Thanks Mom." And so Bonnie talked about her life, and her dinner last night with Brad, and occasionally about Emma. "We saw the Eiffel tower today Emma!" Ben drew a sketch on some hotel stationery and showed it to Emma. "It's very tall and very pretty!" Emma clapped her hands happily.

Soon the Skype ended. Riley checked her watch. "It's such a shame it's so late. I don't know where we can find a decent restaurant since it'll be past nine by the time we'll get there."

Ben pointed out that as part of the vacation deal, the hotel offered free limited room service. Riley looked over the menu and the vacation offer. "I think if we do this carefully we can get three free room service meals. Ben, why don't you order while I freshen up." She took off her glasses and went into the bathroom to rearrange her hair. As Ben ordered he was surprised to see Riley toss her sweater and long sleeve shirt on to the bed. After he hung up he saw Riley toss her pair of pants out of the bathroom. "Ben could you look into my luggage and hand me the yellow skirt inside?" He did so and handed it to the arm discretely outside the bathroom. A few minutes later Riley appeared looking much more relaxed. "How do I look?"

"Sensational. But there's just one thing." He went over to her and picked her up. "Ben!"

He carried her to the door of the suite and opened it. "Last night when I did this you were completely out of it. So I think I'm entitled to a do-over." He carried her another six feet down the hallway, then turned around and re-entered the suite. He maneuvered the door behind him closed, and then took Riley to the bed and put her down. She smiled at him. "A little anti-climatic though."

There was a knock on the door. "Not quite." Room service had come up with the appetizers. Soon they were eating a perfectly good meal. They joked and chatted amiably. Ben talked about the Eiffel tower, Riley tried to find something in the past week about law that did not drive her crazy. She was still trying to remember what she had forgotten yesterday. When they were finished and the dishes all taken away, it was just past ten.

"I wonder what's on television." asked Riley.

"Well since it's July and we're in a country other than the United States, there's probably a soccer game on somewhere." Ben's intuition was correct. Riley flipped through the channels, and found the tv schedule. "Look! If we wait an hour and a half we can watch _The Princess Bride_!"

"Actually, we're going to be pretty busy then." Ben approached his wife from behind. He gently embraced her and softly kissed the nape of her neck.

"Just a moment Ben. I really am forgetting something."

Ben slowly moved his tongue up to Riley's right ear. He blew into it. "We've been married eight days. I'm sure it will come to you."

Riley turned to face Ben. "Oh..."

 **MONDAY, DAY 10**

Riley woke up to find Ben smiling at her. "I like your shoulders," he said as he caressed her naked arm.

"Good morning," she smiled as he kissed her. "That was wonderful. And you were wonderful too. I can't believe that you were so patient."

"To be fair, there are three French priests I unburdened myself on yesterday who may disagree."

"Eight days is a long time to wait. Hell, it's a long time if you're a Jehovah's Witness."

"I'd wait forever for you. But I'm so glad I no longer have to." There was a slight break in Riley's morning glow. "Is something wrong?"

"I still can't remember what it was I'd forgotten."

"I thought we established that last night: we forgot to have sex."

"No, it's definitely something else."

"What? Did you forget some deadline?"

"No, I think it's more like something I forgot to bring."

"Well, I'm sure you'll remember it eventually." Ben moved slightly closer and gave Riley a longer, more serious kiss. "One thing I can promise is that I'm never waiting another eight days for you."

"Don't make promises you can't keep. One of us could be ill, we could be away from each other on business, we could be arguing, there's my period. And I think you're supposed to wait more than eight days after childbirth..." But just then Riley's face fell and shock appeared on her face. She immediately climbed over Ben and dashed into the bathroom, shouting "No! No! No!" before she slammed the door behind her.

Ben looked for his underwear and put it on. "Riley, what's wrong?"

"Are you wearing clothes?"

"I'm wearing underwear."

"Put on jeans and a shirt! RIGHT NOW!" Ben did so. "Now hand me my clothes!" Ben picked up some of them and handed them to a clearly distraught Riley wearing only a towel. She yanked them out of his hand and slammed the door again.

"Riley, what's the matter?"

"It's my birth control pills!"

"What about them?"

"THEY'RE IN NEW YORK!" Riley emerged from the bathroom reasonably dressed. "You are not touching me until you get some condoms!"

The two decided to see the Louvre. Riley delighted in showing Ben all the sights and offering her special knowledge. "This is _The Embarkation to Cytharea_ by Watteau. It's a classic example of the Rococo."

"What distinguishes it from the Baroque?"

"Well it's lighter in tone. It's less depressing. Umm, its prettier..." Riley could not hide her frustration. "Damn it. I should know more about this. I took an art history course and I got an A in it. But now I'm not saying anything more than the guides to the paintings say!"

"You don't have to be an expert in everything. You certainly told me a lot about _The Wreck of the Medusa._ "

"I just feel that I should know more. I feel like I'm one of those people parodied in 'The New Yorker' for being superficial 'New Yorker' readers."

"Riley, you're only 26. You have plenty of time to learn more about the Rococo." An unpleasant thought occurred to Ben. "Is this about me not encouraging your intellectual pursuits?"

"No. Of course not! Well, maybe."

"Well...maybe you should stop DVRing soap operas." Riley glared at him, especially since that was actually a fairly good idea.

"Riley?" a voice from behind asked. She turned around. "Philip?" It was indeed her former boyfriend. "So the two of you are married. It didn't take a lot of time for the two of you to get together."

"Oh, you'd be surprised," replied Ben. He noticed a wedding ring on Philip's hand. "And you're married as well."

"Oh yes. My wife is the section behind me."

"Well, we're here on our honeymoon." Riley explained.

"Yes, I would imagine that's why you are here." And the three chatted, though Ben realized that Philip was being as abrupt and curt as he could be with him without being explicitly impolite. "Well it's so pleasant to see you," he said as he left to rejoin his wife.

Ben and Riley spent the rest of the afternoon visiting the Louvre. He actually found the experience enjoyable, and not just simply less irritating than he imagined he would. It helped that Philip, the most intellectual of Riley's former boyfriends, was little better than civil towards her. Certainly there was no reason to be jealous of him. The two spent the evening around the Arc D'Triomphe. Every week night they would skype Emma at eleven, six hours earlier in New York. Monday night, after doing that, Riley wanted to turn off her laptop.

"Don't," said Ben. "I want to dance with you, seeing that I didn't on our wedding night."

"Fair enough. Just a minute" Riley checked the box of condoms that Ben had bought earlier today and googled to see how reliable they were. Satisfied with the answer, she went to YouTube, and decided on a Roxy Music song that Naomi loved. And so they danced for an hour. It was very tasteful: they only slowly removed their shoes and socks, and it took an hour before both Ben and Riley took off their shirts. She was wearing her bra and skirt before she finally decided to turn off the computer and go to bed.

 **TUESDAY DAY 11**

Tuesday was the only day it rained. "Maybe we should stay in today." Ben suggested.

"Tempting, but I don't want to run the risk of running out of condoms." And so they decided to go to the Musee D'Orsay. As they left the Metro station near the museum, it was still raining with some vigor. The two huddled under the umbrella Ben had brought. "I like the rain," Ben said. "It's romantic. Of course, if we got soaked, knowing our luck one or both of us would come down with pneumonia."

"There are other things we could do in the rain." And Riley kissed her husband who couldn't keep the umbrella above their heads. "Ben, I'm getting wet."

"A little rain won't hurt us."

"I wasn't complaining. And I wasn't really talking about the rain." And she kissed him again.

Soon they were inside the museum, and Riley was chatting to Ben about _Luncheon on the Grass._ Ben nodded. "So this is Manet, whose paintings are unusually flat. While Monet did those blurry pictures of water lilies that are at MOMA."

"That's right!"

"Well, you know what they say, seventh time's the charm."

"But this is one of the most important of 19th century paintings. It's crucial to the rise of impressionism."

"If you say so. At this point of my life, I probably shouldn't give my opinions about paintings with lots of nudity."

Riley lightly, playfully punched her husband. "You Again!" The two of them turned and once again there was Philip, this time accompanied by an attractive, vaguely familiar, brunette. Clearly this was Philip's wife. Philip himself was patently uncomfortable on meeting the two again, though his wife was quite vivacious. "So this is the one girlfriend of yours I have no reason to be jealous of." From someone else it might have been cruel. "I'm sorry," said Philip, "but I'm afraid we have to be going." And so Riley and Ben saw the Renoirs, the Van Goghs, the Gaugins, and the Pissaros. They just turned another corner, and there was Philip and his wife again.

"Well, this is...pleasant." said Philip through gritted teeth.

"I'm sorry, this must be very awkward," Riley apologized.

"You think this is about the rather tawdry way that we broke up. It has nothing to do with that!"

"Excuse me," Ben objected. "There was nothing tawdry about the breakup. Riley was not unfaithful to you, I was not consciously trying to break you up. It's just that when we tried to to explain that to you, we ended up hugging."

"This isn't about you! My wife is an infinitely better woman than Riley will ever be!"

"Umm, Riley is right behind you."

"Don't you recognize my wife?' Neither Ben nor Riley did. "Emma Watson?"

"You mean Hermione Granger?" Riley realized.

"Of course!"

"Wow! That is the most incredibly nerdish/English sex fantasy imaginable! I'm sorry, that was completely inappropriate." Though Riley was secretly pleased at Ben's broad, tactless grin.

Ms. Watson tactfully interceded. "I hear you have a daughter named Emma."

"Oh yes," agreed Ben. "I don't think she was named after you. I think her mother chose the name because it was the most popular name in America."

"Anyway, I really liked you in _Birdman."_ Riley offered _._

"That's Emma Stone." snapped Philip.

"Oops. Well if it's any consolation, I really preferred _The Grand Budapest Hotel._ "

Philip concentrated his attention on Ben. "You don't seem to appreciate how difficult it is to be polite in your presence."

"Actually, you haven't been all that polite." Ben reminded him.

"Can you imagine how hard it would be civil to a man whose brother impregnated my sister and then callously abandoned her?"

"Yeah, that would kind of suck. Wait! Do you mean Danny?" But Philip had already walked away.

 **WEDNESDAY DAY 12**

Ben and Riley had spent the whole day walking around Paris. They had visited the Pantheon, the Pompidou Centre, the Invalides, the Rodin Museum and Notre Dame. The only problem was that Riley's feet ached after all that walking. She sat down near the French equivalent of a drugstore near their hotel.

"I think I can help you with that." said Ben.

"Does your plan involve sex?"

"No. Well not necessarily." And he went into the drugstore. He quickly came out and borrowed Riley's phrase book. He went back in and came out carrying a bag. Once back at the hotel, Ben got his wife a cocktail in the lounge and told her to wait. Ten minutes later he escorted her to their suite's bathroom. He had set up a luxurious bubble bath. "l'll give you a little privacy."

"Little" was the operative word, since once Riley was tastefully covered by soap bubbles, Ben not only came in, but slowly removed his shoes, socks and shirt, as he lolled by the bathtub.

"You know perfectly well that you can't come in here. I don't know how effective condoms are in bathwater and I'm not going to find out the hard way."

"I'm not going to press the issue. And if you change your mind, well that would be nice too."

"So you're just going to flirt with me?"

"Flirt, chat with a woman who is as beautiful as she is naked, I'm good with either."

"You're shameless."

"Would somebody shameless blow the bubbles off your shoulders, instead of lower down?" Riley smiled as Ben puffed the bubbles at her nose. But then her mood changed. "I'm just wondering how long this will last. When we will our have first quarrel?"

"Oh probably sooner rather than later. I wouldn't worry too much." (The first quarrel was a week later, over Ben lazily forgetting to do an important chore. Their first major argument was three weeks afterwards and it involved Tucker, several cauliflowers, an important brief Riley had written, the niece of a client who was charming, polite, six years old and mortally afraid of peacocks, several peacocks, an obnoxious friend of Danny's, Ben's accounting ledger, super glue and the complete works of John Donne. Ultimately the argument was solved with contrition, some grovelling on Ben's part, some bad mascara, a rosary and several towels. And also sex.) "Actually I've been thinking about Danny."

"I know. It's so hard to believe he could have a child he's never known." Ben and Riley looked at each other. Actually that was all too easy to believe.

"I mean Georgie dumped _him_. How can he have abandoned her?" Ben wondered.

"And how do we break it to him?"

"We don't. I mean at least not yet. There's something that doesn't add up." Ben pondered the topic impotently for a few minutes, when Riley decided it was best to change the subject by blowing some bubbles over her breasts at her husband.

"I could get the laptop and we could check how well condoms work when they're wet." Ben suggested.

"No, I don't trust your judgement, and I don't want to risk dropping the laptop in the bathtub."

"It doesn't matter. I have the rest of my life to make love with you at.." and Ben checked his watch "...5.26 in the afternoon. How are your feet by the way?"

"Excellent, actually. Thanks for asking. You know, Naomi emailed me yesterday."

"Is she in Paris?"

"No, she went to London right after the wedding. It's part of doing research for the definitive book on _Barry Lyndon._ But she does have some idea of what's playing in Paris. You liked _The Umbrellas of Cherbourg_ didn't you?"

"It was OK." That was a lie. Ben found it the most heart-breaking movie he had ever seen.

"Well as it happens, there is a repertory theatre that does have subtitles for tourists which is showing another film by the same director called _Lola._ Naomi thinks we might like it."

Naomi insisted her friends should like a lot of movies. But she was correct in thinking both Ben and Riley would enjoy it.

 **THURSDAY DAY 13**

Ben and Riley were walking in the Gardens of Versailles. "Ben we should talk about children."

"Do you think you're pregnant?"

"No, that's very improbable." Nevertheless she knocked on the bench where they had just sat down. "It's that we delayed talking about children before we were engaged, and then we were too busy arranging the wedding to talk about it then."

"Do you want me to go first?"

"If you could."

"OK." Ben paused and tried to collect his thoughts. "I think I would know my reaction if in fact you told me you were pregnant. First, I'd be shocked. I'd panic, because that's always my first reaction. That's what happened when I first met Emma, and it's what happened when I had the pregnancy scare with Jenny. But then I'd calm down and I wouldn't look back. I do want children. I want you to have my children. I want that because I love you. You're the best mother Emma could ever have: I could never have gotten this far without you. And for what it's worth, I'd like one sooner rather than later, so he or she is close enough to Emma's age so that they can be friends."

"Like you and Danny."

"Yeah, exactly. Of course, there is the other side. I've actually been reading books about mothering..."

"Why would you be reading about that?"

"Well, basically my parenting is identical to what mothers do after they stop breast-feeding. And the thing is that for the eight months or so you realize that you're pregnant you'll be doing all the work. All I'm doing is just saying nice things and trying to be less of a jerk than usual. I read somewhere that mothering is actually the best predictor of poverty in this country. I also read that for poor people it doesn't really matter when you give birth, because they're so likely to be screwed anyway. Since I already own a bar, having a child isn't likely to change my career. But taking off time to have a child could interrupt and permanently hamper your legal career."

Riley reached out to touch her husband. "Actually I don't think that you failing me is going to be a problem. From the first day I saw you with Emma I believed in you as a father."

"Really? From the very first day?"

"Yeah, I was going to tell you that but Danny said it would better to see you get through the first day without our help. Look Ben, for years I've been in love with you. And being in love meant wanting to have your children. I just didn't know I'd be a mother without getting pregnant first."

"So, if we're not on the same page, we're somewhere in the same book."

"It's a big decision. Could you ask me again in say six months?"

"Six months is wonderful. Six months would be great." And they hugged each other. "And if you need more time, you can have as many six months periods as you want. I mean I'm going to be concerned if you ask for twenty or thirty of them..."

"It won't take that long. I want to be brave. And you make me a braver person."

She kissed him, and the two got off the bench. "Do you have a preference for a boy or a girl?" Riley asked as they walked to the bus that would take them back to Paris.

"I don't know. On the one hand, if you asked me five years ago I probably would have wanted a boy. On the other hand, there's not much you can do with a son that you can't do with a daughter."

"Of course daughters don't have to play that many video games."

"Speaking about Emma, that reminds me of something. I mean with our busy schedules, there are some times when you are going to have to feed Emma.."

"Well, of course I'm going to feed Emma. I'm not going to let her starve."

"That's not what I was going to say. What I meant is that you can't pretend you don't know how to cook."

Riley started at Ben. "What do you mean?"

"You're a poor cook pretending to be a bad cook so you won't have to cook at all."

Riley was so startled she forgot to lie. "How did you find out?"

"Well one day I googled 'Meat Waffle' and I saw a post from a woman who was obviously Mom."

"Damn it!" They approached the bus and Riley looked at Ben. "One thing about being in Paris, is that there's so much art and history and beauty and shopping. But what do you get out of it?"

Ben let Riley get in first. "Well I've made love to you four nights in a row. So I think I'm ahead." Riley rolled her eyes at Ben's smirk. "Also, the museums are kind of cool."

 **FRIDAY DAY 14**

Riley was looking at her laptop early in the morning. "Oh! Oh! Oh!"

"What's the matter?"

"I was googling Georgie's name and she's going to be in Vogue's Paris' offices today! Do you know what I'm thinking?"

"We're not going to spend the afternoon watching you get depressed as you go shopping at stores where you can't afford to buy anything?"

Riley glared at Ben. "How do we confront her? She's an internationally famous model and we're a couple of nobodies." The two put considerable thought into it, which was ironic since it was a childishly simple ruse that allowed them to meet a very embarrassed Georgie and her baby son. It was Riley who made the most obvious observation.

"He's very blonde, isn't he?"

"Well, sometimes hair gets darker with age." Georgie tried to explain.

"Sure," agreed Ben. "Not in Danny's case. His hair was never blonde. Was yours?"

"No," she whimpered. Georgie held her head in her hands and only slowly recovered the courage to look at them. "You must think I'm a horrible person." A look from Ben prevented Riley from enthusiastically agreeing. "I didn't mean to lie. I genuinely thought Danny was the father."

"You dumped him when you realized you were pregnant." Ben realized.

Georgie nodded. "Three weeks before I first slept with Danny, in fact the day before I went to New York, I had a fling with a Swedish fashion executive. Simple probability would suggest Danny was the father. It was only after Max was born that I slowly realized I might be wrong."

"How so? Does this Swedish guy know?"

"No. And he can't know. I didn't know he was married. His wife had been in a sanatorium after a nervous breakdown two years earlier. Then a couple of months after my fling a new psychiatrist ensured a miraculous recovery. Now they're together and she's the one who's pregnant."

"So this Swedish guy could be the father."

"He _is_ the father. He and his wife attended a party and a friend got a glass he was using. The DNA test left no room for error."

Ben paced slightly. "How many people think Danny is the father?"

"Philip is the only one who knows Danny by name. Everyone else just thinks it's an American. They don't even know he's a hockey player."

"OK. How you and Max deal with his father is up to you. But Philip has to be told the truth."

"But surely there's no chance he and Danny will ever meet."

"Well we met Philip twice in a twenty-four hour period in a strange city, so clearly there is some chance."

"You're right." Soon Ben and Riley were outside in the sunshine. "Well that's a load off our minds. What do we do for the rest of the day?" Riley asked.

Eleven in the evening, and it was Ben and Riley's last Skype with Emma. "Oh. You're still wearing clothes." said Bonnie.

"Of course we're wearing clothes," Riley tartly replied. "Why wouldn't we be?"

"No reason. It's just that Tucker owes me two hundred bucks."

"Look Emma," Ben said. "We're on the Champs-Elysees! It's this really long street and as you can see it's very beautiful tonight." Ben picked up the laptop and pivoted it around, with some awkwardness so that Emma could see. "Tomorrow we'll be home and then we'll all move into our new apartment where you will have your very own room!"

"Yay!"

"And when you grow up Emma," added Bonnie, "and you get a chance to go to Paris, you can take your father like a grateful child. Or even better your paternal grandmother!"

"Mom, just let it go."

 **SATURDAY DAY 15**

Riley and Ben had boarded their plane back home. As they waited for take off Riley nervously tapped her fingers on the hand rest. "Are you sure you're OK with all this?" Ben asked.

"I think so. It was just the whole pressure of the wedding, and then the whole pressure of my law firm. And so many things have happened to us since Emma I just thought something was bound to go wrong. But now that we've had a normal week together, everything should be fine." She smiled at Ben and looked ahead with confidence. But she didn't stop tapping her fingers as the plane took off.

"Perhaps you'd feel more comfortable if you know what you had in store when we get home." Ben replied. "You know that your wedding dress is with your mother in storage. Well I emailed her to bring it to the airport."

"Why would you do that?"

"I told her that it was an emergency. I didn't get to see you in it on our wedding night."

"You just want to take it off me again."

"Is that completely unreasonable?"

"Hardly." And she kissed him. "And you learned an important lesson this week. It's amazing how far you can get if you show a little tact."

"That, and whipped cream on your thighs."

"You're hopeless," but she smiled as she returned his embrace.

"Tell me your favorite things," Ben said. "Novels, songs, supreme court precedents. There's so much I want to know."

"You'll be bored soon."

"How could I be bored as long as I know you're not afraid. You've stopped drumming your fingers. You've even taken a window seat."

She smiled again. But then she caught the eye of a flight attendant and requested a very alcoholic cocktail. Once she received it she grimaced. "This is the only one. I promise." And while that was not quite true, since she had another five hours later, she was reasonably sober and perfectly happy that midnight as Ben gracefully unzipped her wedding dress as they lay down on their bed, covered with rose petals.

 _And roughly nine months, and more than twenty hours later Ruth Elena Wheeler was born._


	7. Chapter 7: Pink

It was a pleasant morning in September, or so Ben thought. He was making some toast for Emma, while Tucker had came over for some coffee in his pajamas. "So, how's married life treating you?"

"Pretty well. I mean there's always going to be some tensions. But things are pretty good. I think you can say we're still in the honeymoon stage." Just then Riley entered from the bedroom, dressed and ready for work. "Hey baby, Tucker was just asking how things were going."

"Baby? Baby?!"

"Is something wrong?

"Wrong? Why would there be anything wrong? I'm married to the most wonderful man in the world. I can't be grateful enough to be able to serve his most idiotic and short-sighted whims."

"Riley, are you all right?"

"Why, of course I'm all right. It's not like I had to get up twice in the middle in the night and go to the bathroom while you slept completely oblivious to me."

Riley quickly drank some coffee. "Well, I've got to go." She kissed Emma goodbye. Ben went to kiss her, but she drew away. "Just don't have the time." She smiled broadly, and then left slamming the door shut.

Tucker also smiled broadly. "I can't wait to get married. There just isn't enough sarcasm in my life."

It was shortly after noon, and Ben was at the bar. "Mom, do you know why Riley would be upset at me?"

Bonnie smiled broadly. "Oh Ben, there's no shortage of reasons why she would be rightfully upset at you. It's also possible, though much less likely, that she's at fault. You see it's basically fairly simple. You don't deserve Riley, Riley doesn't deserve Danny, and you also don't deserve Danny. It's a circle of life."

"Mrs. Wheeler, that's not really a circle." Tucker objected.

"Mom, has she said anything to you recently?"

"Not really. I suppose she has been more nervous than usual. But that's only to be expected from someone who lives with you all the time."

"That's not really true of either Tucker or Danny. Or Emma for that matter." An idea crossed Ben's mind. "OK, I'm on my lunch break. Do you know anyone who makes chicken Parmesan to go?" As he left he quickly nodded to Danny, who came out of the stockroom and was about to meet his new date. Sitting at a table was an attractive young woman with red hair in a red jumper to match. She was thin, taller than most, and sounded, surprisingly enough, like Ashley Tisdale. Since Danny had no idea who Tisdale was, this meant nothing to him. "Hi, Candy!"

Danny's date glared angrily at him. "It's Candace, not Candy. I'm not a stripper, let alone a prostitute. I am, for the time being at least, your date."

"Oh. Sorry. Anyway what do you want to do tonight? How about a movie? Or we could go to a restaurant. We could just go here, since I own this bar, and you could eat anything you wanted. As long as you don't do it too much, because my brother also owns the bar, and he actually knows more about accounting..."

Candace cut him off. "I actually have a much better idea. And it may take the whole day. Do you have any friends or relatives nearby?"

"Well there's my brother. Oh wait, he just ran off. But my mother's over there. And there is my roommate right by her."

"That's perfect! Do you know anybody else who can help us?"

"Well my other roommate is also the manager of the bar..."

"Good! They can all help us!"

"What are we supposed to be doing?"

"You are going to help bust my brother!"

Meanwhile at her law firm, Riley was more nervous than usual and was tapping her fingers on her desk when her secretary announced there was a call for her. "Mom! What a surprise!"

"Hello dear. You know I haven't really talked to you since you got back to Paris 53 days ago."

"Those were 53 good days."

"And I thought we should have dinner together tonight, where we can talk about your marriage and all the problems you are having with it."

"What...what..what makes you think there are any problems?"

"Riley dear, I'm your mother. Of course there are problems. You need to have a real conversation with a woman. Not with one of your vapid friends, or with that strange Jewish girl who insists we see Iranian films."

"Umm, this might not be the best time. I'm kind of busy..."

"I simply won't take no for an answer. You set up the restaurant and get back to me later." And then she hung up.

Riley groaned and rubbed her temples. So this was clearly not the best moment for Ben to pop in. "Surprise!"

"Ben! What are you doing here?"

"I thought we could have a brief lunch together. Look I brought your favorite!"

Riley looked at the Chicken Parmesan in its styrofoam container. "I'm sorry, I can't eat this." And she pushed the box into the garbage.

"Umm, I could have eaten that if you didn't want it."

"Look, Ben this isn't a good time. And quite frankly I'm not really happy about you right this minute."

"Yeah I gathered that. What's the problem?"

"Ben, part of the problem is that you don't know what the problem is!"

"I'm doing that laundry wrong. Is that it?"

"No, that's not it."

"So I'm doing that right?"

"No, actually I'm rather upset with how my underwear turned up. The point of lingerie is for me to wear it, nor you to drool over it before you rip it off me."

"OK. Am I not cleaning enough?"

"Look, this isn't a guessing game. I mean yes, you're not cleaning enough. But the problem is much bigger than that, and this isn't the time to badger me about it. Look, I am very very busy, and I don't have time for you to not realize what you need to be it's more important that I work properly and that you leave me alone my work is really important and you really really really.." But at this point Ben interrupted her by kissing her.

For a few seconds she actually liked this. But it only calmed her down. "Look, I do need to work. We'll talk about it tonight."

Ben thought for a few seconds. "OK, I've got an idea. We'll go to the Velvet Room!"

"The Velvet Room? Wow! Just a minute: isn't that incredibly expensive?"

Ben blanched inwardly when he realized that indeed it was. But he pressed onwards. "That's not important. All that matters is you. Look we'll meet there at seven."

"It's a date!" Riley agreed as Ben left. Then she took up a deep sigh and wondered what to do next. Finally she spoke to her secretary. "I need you to cancel my meetings with both my husband and my mother at the Velvet Room this night at seven."

Later that afternoon Candace was talking to Tucker in his apartment. "See, here's a useful trick. Do you have a lead pencil? Well strictly speaking it isn't actually lead. But you can use the graphite and rub it on a piece of paper like this..." and she promptly proceeded to do so. "Now you have a resister for your radio!"

"Wow, that is a neat trick. Just one question: why did you take apart my radio in the first place?!"

"Well, my brother is always taking apart common household items and making the marvelous things from them. And I'm doing the same thing! Well at least the first part. How's that wedding cake coming along Danny?"

Danny appeared from his room carrying a very large and very awkwardly structured wedding cake. "I don't understand why you needed to make this in the first place?"

"I already told you. The cake you helped make is nutritious, delicious, and the F.M. Escher structure helps contain the antimatter."

"The antimatter?" Tucker yelped. "Did you say antimatter?"

"I'm kidding! Of course I don't have antimatter in a New York City apartment. But seriously, for the love of God, do not drop that cake."

Just then Bonnie came in, having just picked up Emma from daycare. "Why this must be your daughter." Candace shamelessly flattered.

"Yes. Yes she is. Because I am clearly Danny's sister. And not his mother, as people may have maliciously and incorrectly informed you. And any rumours of a Ben Wheeler and a Riley Perrrin should be dismissed right out of hand."

Candace knelt down to speak to Emma. "We're having a scavenger hunt. That's where people run around trying to find things all to make something extra special." She handed a list to Bonnie. "And here is your special list."

"The first thing is a paper on the rotational qualities of black holes?"

"Yeah, chop chop. That paper isn't going to download itself."

It was the end of the work day at Riley's law firm, or would have been if law firms had normal hours. It was the end of the work day for Riley's secretary, who cheerily yelled as he was leaving "I made that appointment at the Velvet Room with your husband and mother!"

Riley was crestfallen as her plan to blow off dinner had fallen to a very obvious flaw: her secretary was an idiot. She had just realized this fact when the phone rang. "Riley dear. I'm so pleased that you invited me to the Velvet Room." Riley gasped in shock, which her mother ignored completely. "Oh, other interesting news. Do you remember Richard Starke? Your old college friend? Well I met him and he just happens to also be going to the Velvet Room this evening."

Riley tried not to whimper, as her mother abruptly hung up. Now she had to tell two people she didn't want to talk to them. But she didn't have the strength to do it. Just then she saw her colleague Robin leaving. "Robin! You live close to where I do! I am about to go to a big deposition, the kind where you can't have cell phones, and if you could tell my husband that I can't make it to dinner this evening." Riley felt guilty for not being frank with Robin. "Here! Take all the money in my wallet as well." Riley impulsively gave her eighty dollars, realized that she had given her too much, and smiled awkwardly.

Shortly afterwards Ben was at their apartment changing into a suit for the Velvet Room when he heard someone in the kitchen rummaging through the drawers. Peeking outside he saw it was his mother. "Mom? Several questions. First, how do you have a key to my apartment?"

"Oh, Ben. Riley made sure Emma has a set of keys along with identification if she ever gets lost. So I simply copied them. Rookie mistake."

"Umm, OK. Well not really OK. But second, why have you got a spatula, a jar of mayonnaise, several DVDs Naomi gave us, and is that a Geiger counter?"

"Yes! Turns out Brad knows someone in the army, who allowed me to borrow it, or shoplift it, for the day."

"And why do you have those things?" Ben asked as he followed his mother up the stairs to Danny, Tucker, and Sam's apartment.

"We're all having a scavenger hunt thanks to Danny's new girlfriend. And it occurs to me that you can't come."

"I wasn't planning on coming. I just wanted to see Emma before I left."

"Ooo, that's really awkward. You see Candace thinks I'm a wonderful mother, and Emma's actual parents would just complicate things. So, bye bye!" Bonnie raced to Danny's apartment, and Ben went back downstairs. Doing so he just missed Robin, who knocked on Riley's old apartment, not realizing she had moved. "Ben, are you there?"

Just then Candace poked her head out. "You wouldn't happy to know Danny Wheeler?"

"Why yes. I'm actually..." but then Candace yanked her inside and shut the door. Just then Ben walked back up. "Is somebody asking for me? I guess not."

Soon, Riley was nervously entering the Velvet Room, having not had the courage to blow off her mother. "Ben! You're here!"

"You seem surprised to see me. I set up the date in the first place."

"No, of course not. Why that would be crazy," Riley said in her uniquely unconvincing way. She sat down, while Ben looked at the menu and instantly blanched at the prices. Just then Mrs. Perrin came and sat down. "You invited your mother?" Ben asked.

"Well, it's kind of a funny story."

"I wanted to meet her, and her secretary arranged this dinner."

"So, it's not really that funny." Just then a tall, handsome, rich and extremely smug young man noticed Riley and joined the three of them at their table, sitting between Riley and her mother. "Oh, hello Richard," said Mrs. Perrin. Richard Starke shook her hand, then turned to Riley. "It's been so long since we've last seen each other. You look much more attractive since then. It makes me think it was a mistake to stop dating you."

"Riley, who is this guy?" Ben wondered.

"Oh, Ben, you should know who this is." Mrs. Perrin answered. And Ben did recognize him. "You're some kind of millionaire."

"Billionaire," Riley corrected.

"What exactly is it that you do?"

"Nothing in particular. That's the secret of my wealth." Starke smiled and turned to Mrs. Perrin. "So how do you know him Riley?" Ben asked.

"Well you know how you were sexually active through high school in an irresponsible way? And how I went to university a virgin, and when I graduated I was no longer one. Well Richard is sort of the reason how that change came about. Or to be more precise, exactly the reason." And Riley hid her blushing face behind the menu.

Meanwhile Candace's scavenger hunt was quickly progressing. "Let's do a roll call. Who had the Duran Duran cassette tapes!"

"Here!" said Bonnie.

"And who has the spatula, cooked broccoli and a barometer."

"I do!" Danny exclaimed happily.

"Who has the vial of arsenic and strychnine?"

"Got it right here!" said Brad.

"Who's making sure that wedding cake isn't overheating?"

"I am!" yelped Tucker. "But it is getting warmer!"

"Yeah, yeah, stop worrying. Now who has three George Eliot novels?"

"I do," said Sam. "I was just thinking: if Ben is out to dinner and me and Danny are playing this game, who's watching the bar?"

"Oh, live a little. Now who made a fluctuating quantum detector by taking a melted vinyl copy of _Exile on Main Street,_ some baking soda, a broken thermometer, a lot of salt and the underwire of their bra?"

"That would be me," Robin replied sheepishly.

"And I'm watching this little girl. Hey! Don't eat crayons! They're probably unhealthy or something."

Back at the Velvet Room Starke was focusing his attention on Riley. "You know, I only slept with you as part of a fraternity dare. But now since you're much richer and about thirty pounds lighter, we should go upstate this weekend and do something romantic."

"Excuse me, are you talking to Riley?" Ben asked indignantly.

"Of course. I'm looking right at her. Are you completely unable to recognize social situations?"

"You're talking to my wife! I'm right in front of you!"

"I know that. I just don't care to acknowledge you."

"OK, let's go outside."

"Oh bring it on, shorty. Triple black belt, plus two years Navy Seal training. Hope you have a real good dentist."

Riley interceded. "Nobody is fighting anyone!"

"Why on earth did you invite him!?"

"I didn't! Mom did!"

"Why did you invite your mother!?"

"Look, Riley is clearly being unreasonable." Mrs. Perrin interceded. "I can't imagine why you're being so flirtatious."

"I'm not being flirtatious, Mom! You invited him!"

"I did not! He just happened to be here."

"Riley, what the hell is going on?" Ben asked angrily.

"Excuse me, Madam" said a notably snobbish waiter. "But you're making a scene."

"Why are you with this loser anyway?" asked Starke.

"Riley, I need a straight answer! Why are you so irritated today?!"

"I'm pregnant!"

The others were quiet. Unfortunately Richard spoke first. "OK, that complicates things. But I think I can find a way around it." Riley got up and ran from the restaurant in tears.

Meanwhile Candace's scavenger hunt was reaching its climax. Danny and Tucker's apartment was covered in toilet paper, while a whole hosts of odds and ends were scattered around the room and the six adults frantically carried out Candace's instructions. "Now does everyone have their mayonnaise?"

"Why do we need it in the first place?" Tucker wondered desperately.

"That's not the question I asked! Does everyone have it?"

"Yes, but why do we need it?"

"Because it buffers you from electrical shock!"

"OK, has it crossed your mind that you might not be completely sane?"

"My analyst may say this is regression, but for once I am going to prove that I was right all this time! Thanks to you I am going to bust my brother! All I have to do is push this DVD control that I converted into antimatter wormhole gener..., something you don't need to know, and _voila!"_ There was now an audible hum, that slowly grew in volume and richer in timbre. A strange, unearthly melody began to play, and an eerie aura grew over several items.

"Wow. This is kind of fun," Danny said.

The hum grew louder and louder and Candace's eyes widened in pleasure. It seemed to be about to climax. Then there was an abrupt squishy sound. The melody and the hum abruptly stopped, and the aura flashed temporarily blinding everyone. When they opened their eyes the living room was a complete mess. There was no shortage of broken things and amazing messes. The wedding cake had made a large splatter everywhere around it. Several of the makeshift devices were aflame or self-destructing.

"Omigod," yelled Bonnie. "We're all covered in mayonnaise and wrapped up in toilet paper!"

"Well, strictly speaking all of _you_ are covered in mayonnaise and wrapped up in toilet paper. " Candace corrected. "The two of us are completely unencumbered. And there's only a small spot of mayonnaise on this girl right here." And she quickly wiped off the small spot on Emma's shoulder.

Robin was incredulous. "What I don't understand is how whatever happened magnetized the toilet paper and trapped us. It's made of paper."

Just then the door opened and Candace's brother entered. He also had red hair and a very sharp nose. "Hi, Candace. So did you see the enormous airship I made that runs entirely on water and makes sherbert ice cream as a by-product?"

"No," Candace whimpered. "Was there any chance that Mom saw it and severely chastised you?"

"Uh, no. She's not even in the tri-state area today."

"Of course not. That figures."

"Oh, by the way Jeremy is downstairs."

"What do you mean he's downstairs!? I didn't even know he was alive! I thought I was never going to see him again!"

"Why would you think that? He's only been gone for a couple of days. Here, I can call him right here."

Candace was overjoyed to hear Jeremy say hello. "OK, we've got to see him immediately!"

"Um Candace, I was wondering if we could help clean up this mess."

"No no no. I'm sure they've got it. Bye everyone! Thanks for everything! Hey you little girl! Stay put and don't touch anything." Candace slammed the door behind her and the others were speechless for a moment.

"You know Danny," Tucker spoke. "I don't think she was really that into you."

Riley was sitting sadly outside the door of their apartment when the elevator opened and Ben finally caught up with her. "Thank God I found you."

"Now you find me? I made a big scene and dramatically left the restaurant. You were supposed to follow me!"

"I did follow you. It's just then at the Velvet Room the management really insist on having you pay before you leave."

"God, this is not how I wanted it to be."

"Yeah, I can imagine," as Ben sat down by her. "So we're going to have a new baby in what, eight months?"

"Why would you think eight?"

"I don't know, I thought it would take a couple of weeks or more to realize you were pregnant. So it's more like nine months?"

"Try seven."

"Seven?"

"Yeah, I feared I was pregnant a month ago. I waited two weeks to confirm it, and then I waited another two weeks to think of how to tell you."

"I wondered when it happened."

Riley glared at her husband. "When do you think it happened? How about the only time I wasn't using birth control?!"

"Oh, right in Paris."

Riley put her head in her hands. "Why couldn't you use a condom?" There was a silence, then another angry glare at Ben.

"Oh, I thought you were asking a rhetorical question. Well, I don't always find them comfortable. I'm a little nervous about them. And they're a little icky to deal with. And I thought now that we were married we wouldn't need them."

"Why would you think that, since you already have one unplanned pregnancy?"

"I meant that now that we were married and we only loved each other, I didn't have to worry about venereal disease."

"So you just assumed that I would do all the contraceptive work?"

"In my defense, you did make it clear that you were on birth control. And also there's millions of sperm on my side that are fertile all the time, and just one egg that's only viable for a few days. And once we were back from Paris, you didn't seem to mind that I wasn't using condoms."

There was another silence. "What I was upset about earlier today, and for the last couple of weeks was that you didn't seem to realize that I was pregnant."

"I'm sorry. Have you been having morning sickness?"

"Yeah, a bit. Except it's more likely two o'clock in the afternoon when I'm at work sickness. And also last night. But you apparently slept through it. And I would think you would notice I was looking at pregnancy websites on my laptop."

"I actually haven't looked at your laptop for the last three weeks, because your company changes the password every six months."

"Really?" Riley pondered this. "Well your mother has interesting taste in pornography."

"Look I'm sorry about not knowing this. But you can't expect me to be a mind reader."

"I know." Riley drummed her fingers on the floor. "It's just that a great man once said that somebody will look into your heart and know exactly how you feel."

"Danny right? Well that's no pressure." Ben got up and paced a little. "OK, you're angry at me. You're angry because I am after all directly responsible for this. You're angry because this is just the sort of event that raises every doubt you've ever had about me. And you're angry at me because for the next seven months you're going to be doing all the hard work with this baby."

Ben that sat down in front of his wife. "Second, you're angry at yourself. After all, the one thing one expects on a honeymoon is sex. You've probably heard somewhere that women don't accidentally get pregnant. If you left behind your birth control it was because you probably wanted a baby."

"That is _not_ why that happened!"

"I didn't say I agreed. But the thing is you will be reading all sorts of things about pregnancy. And no matter how stupid and ill-informed they are, you'll constantly be second guessing yourself. And you're thinking of what bad luck it all was. If we hadn't gotten married so quickly, we could have thought it over more. If we had consummated our marriage on our wedding night, instead of eight days later. If we hadn't kept being delayed. If I had booked the honeymoon ahead of time and gave you time more to think about it. If you hadn't been so busy with work, a dozen other things and none of this would have happened.

"And you're nervous and you're more than a little afraid. All your life you have worked so hard to get what you want, and you've done that by careful planning and careful consideration. And now here is maybe the most difficult decision of your life, and you find it's already been made for you.

"And what you want more than anything else is reassurance. You want someone to tell you that it's going to be all right. And you want me to do that, but you're not convinced that I can. All right, in the upcoming months you're going to feel uncomfortable, you're going to be afraid, you may feel sick, and you'll be wondering whether you made a horrible mistake. But you would have felt that way however you got pregnant. Even if you were the most mature person in the world and you conceived under the best of possible circumstances, there's still a gap between choosing to become pregnant and actually being pregnant. I mean if we had decided to get pregnant six months or a year later, well you would still be worried if it was going right. Any delay would make you worry that there was something wrong. Well, now we know that there isn't!"

Riley smiled a little. "Look, I've taken care of Emma, and if I can be a good father, you're going to be an awesome mother. You've known Emma almost all her life, and you've seen her at her worst. But you've loved her even when you couldn't stand me. And there's one more thing. When we started dating I told you that however we finally do something special, it's gonna be special because it's you and me. And it doesn't get more special than consummating your marriage and conceiving your first child in one of the world's most beautiful cities."

"No it doesn't," and she reached over to kiss her husband. After they did that, Ben helped his wife up. "Well, we should probably help pick up the daughter we already have." As they strode to the stairs, Riley asked "Do you think it will be a boy or a girl?"

"You know, I think if I gave a preference, the baby will be the opposite just to make me look bad. Riley, one more thing."

"Hmm?"

"If you don't mind, I'd rather we didn't know the sex before the baby's born. Do you have a problem with that?"

"Nope. I'm sure that there's lot of questions you're thinking."

"Riley, you knew you were pregnant for two weeks."

"Yes."

"But we've still been having sex on a fairly regular and frequent basis."

Riley lightly slapped Ben " _That's_ one of the first things you think about?" But she still smiled.

It oddly seemed like four minutes later, but in fact was only fifteen seconds when they entered Danny and Tucker's apartment. "Hi, everybody," said Ben. "We've got some..." and then realized the complete mess the apartment was in as the others were still struggling to get free of the toilet paper. "What's going on?"

"We'll we're certainly not breaking down the basic fabric of space and time," Tucker replied.

"Umm...OK. Anyway me and Riley have got some good news. Riley?"

"We're going to have to a baby!"

"That's wonderful!" everybody said, or words to that effect. "Sam, you owe me thirty bucks." Bonnie added.

"I'm so happy for you!" Robin exclaimed. "That's such wonderful news, especially with what's going on with you at work."

"Wait, what?" Riley asked.

"I think this calls for a group hug," Bonnie mandated.

"Umm, we're doing this right now? All of you are covered in mayonnaise for some strange reason." But didn't stop the others from embracing Ben and Riley. "Savor the moment, Riley." explained Bonnie. "Savor the moment."


	8. Chapter 8: Manila

The documents were in a manila folder and Riley had made it very clear that Ben had to make sure they reached her office before it closed today. They were vital for the case she was working on and she couldn't do it herself because she had to have several check-ups seven months into her pregnancy. Ben agreed to do it, and regularly reminded himself several times throughout the day. It was after six and Ben was just putting things away from a sort of spill over wedding reception. Bonnie had been nibbling on the leftover snacks. "Mom, it's tulips that Riley likes?"

"Oh Ben, you finally remembered! And after nearly eight months of marriage!"

"Well could you take some of them up to the apartment? It seems more than a fair exchange from all the free booze you had this afternoon."

Bonnie pouted when just then Riley called him. "How was the check-up?" he asked.

"Fine, but that's not why I'm calling. Did you send the folder to the office?"

Ben thought about it and then realized to his horror than he hadn't. His first instinct was to lie. "Of course I did baby." An obvious problem then occurred to him. "Are you actually at the office?"

"No, I'm at the law library near the Frick Gallery. I'll be there for the entire evening."

"Oh." Ben nervously wondered how to raise the subject. "Quick question babe. What would happen if the folder didn't turn up until tomorrow?"

"What a strange question to ask. But it would be disastrous of course. They're extremely time sensitive."

"Well, then it's a good thing that they are at the office exactly like they should be." And he hung up.

"Wow, that was a good lie," Bonnie said with mild admiration. "I think anyone who didn't know you would assume that you were telling the truth. A few years ago, by contrast, complete strangers would realize instantly that you were full of it."

"Mom, Tucker is going to be back with Ruth from daycare. Stall him while I find a way to return the folder!"

Half an hour later an amused Tucker smiled as Ben returned from his first failed effort to return the folder. "Any luck?"

"No! The office is completely closed. I mean I thought it would just be closed to the public. But now all the lights are off, and there's nobody there! After all the times I've had to go bed alone waiting for Riley to get home, including the first week of my marriage! But now, it's 'Let's choose today to have normal work hours instead of driving our lawyers to an early grave with eighty-hour weeks!' It's so unfair!"

Tucker chuckled. "Do you know the best thing about this?"

"No Tucker, what could that be?"

"Well Riley is going to be very angry at you. And therefore she's not going to have sex with you for some time."

"How is that good for me?"

"It really isn't, but I find it amusing. Also, most people think sex at seven months pregnant is really icky."

"I wouldn't do if there was any reason to believe it would hurt the baby."

"Yeah, I'm sure that's the first thing on your mind."

"Tucker! Can't you do something to help?!"

"Let me think. Let me look at the documents." Ben reluctantly gave Tucker the manila folder. Tucker perused them thoughtfully. "Ah! See? There's an address and a telephone number of the lawyer at Riley's firm that you were supposed to give the documents to."

"All right. I'll just call her and see if I can give her the folder." Ben took out his cell phone and dialed the number. "Oh hi. I'm Riley's husband Ben Wheeler, and I was just wondering about this manila folder of documents I have here. Yes, this is the Himmelfarb case. Yes, that document is there. Yes that document is there as well. Uh, let me just check. Yes that document is also there. Well that is very helpful. I see. I see. Yes, that is very good to know. That is indeed very helpful. Well that's a relief. Well, thank you very much." And he hung up.

"So that went well?"

"Absolutely not. In fact, she's going to tell Riley that I screwed up the minute she's finished her own work." Ben paced quickly back and forth. "I've got it! I'll find a way to get into the law office, put the folder there, and there won't be any problems!"

"Except that the documents were supposed to be here today, and not tomorrow."

"Well, it'll be my word against Riley's associate. And you're going to help me!"

"Oh, am I?" Tucker laughed. "This is like every sitcom I've ever seen, where the stupid fat husband with the hot wife he so doesn't deserve does something stupid, and drafts his best friend to help him."

"You think Riley is hot?"

"Not really. And to be fair, you're clearly not fat. And I don't really see why the two of you are attracted to each other. And quite frankly, you probably deserve someone with bigger breasts and who doesn't whine so much. But aside from that it's totally like a bad sitcom. Or many adequate ones."

"You ARE going to help me." And Ben yanked Tucker along with him. "Wow! Deja vu! I'm sure I've seen this exact same scene before!"

Soon they were outside the skyscraper where Riley's law offices were. "Ben, who's looking after Emma?"

"Mom is."

"I thought she and Brad were on this big dinner date."

"Yeah, I know. So I managed to send a text to Brad that his father was seriously ill and only wanted to see him."

"And is Brad's father seriously ill and wanting to see his only living son?"

"Well no, but with the two not on the best of terms because of Mom flirting with both of them, they could use some quality time together."

"Ah. Well if you found a way to ruin Danny's evening as well, this day would be just perfect." The two of them looked through the glass doors and saw a plump African-American woman about ten years older than them serving as the security guard. Ben turned to Tucker out of the guard's line of sight. "OK, at least we don't have to ask permission to use the elevators. All we have to do is get permission from the security guard, and get to the tenth floor where Riley's law firm is."

"And is she likely to give that permission?"

"Actually no, she isn't. She was quite rude to me when I was here forty minutes ago."

"Ben, another idea came to me. How are you actually going to enter the offices once you reach the right floor?"

"Simple. The cleaning ladies are doing the offices about this time, and all I have to do is use them to sneak inside."

"What do you mean 'about' this time? How long do you expect me to wait for you?"

"Don't worry about that. You should worry instead about distracting the guard so that I can get inside."

It was twenty past seven and Ben was thinking that it was nice that Riley's law firm was in an old building with old fashioned ledges. This was not an idle reflection since Ben was in fact desperately hanging on to one of them while at the same trying to keep hold of the manila folder. The cold February weather was definitely not helping matters. Just then his phone rang. Very, very awkwardly he managed to answer it.

"Ben! What are you doing on the ledge?!" It was Tucker ten floors below looking up at him.

"Well it was kind of the oddest thing..." Ben tried to reply, but trying to hold both his phone and the folder made his position even more precarious.

"Seriously, let go of the folder."

"No! Then all the papers will be scattered around the block, and Riley will kill me!"

"I seriously think she would prefer her unborn child to have a father. Dude, what happened?"

"Well I was hoping the cleaning staff would get in and I could sneak the folder in. But when I got up there, the staff was being told in no uncertain terms to ignore the offices for this evening. I tried to get to the offices, but they were locked. But I noticed there was a window open, and I thought maybe I could use the ledges to get in. But I found out I couldn't, and even worse someone closed and locked the window behind me."

"Why don't you try to break the windows?"

"I did, and I found out the hard way that I don't have the leverage to do so. That's why I'm dangling from a ledge."

"Ben, you have to let go of the folder. You don't have enough limbs to get back on the ledge and carry it at the same time."

"Just a minute, I've got an idea."

"Famous last words!" Tucker instinctively closed his eyes, and therefore missed an incredible trick on Ben's part where he juggled both his phone and the folder just long enough to get back on the ledge and then catch both of them.

"Tucker?"

"Ben?! You're not dead?!"

"Hold it, I've got another call." It was Riley. "Riley! What a surprise!"

"Really? What's so surprising about having your wife call you when she's running late?"

"Uhhh...life's just funny that way. Ordinary things can be startling for no very good reason. Part of the miracle of everyday life. Why did you call?"

"I just feel so guilty!"

"Why would _you_ have any reason to be guilty?"

"I don't feel that I've been a good mother to Emma! You see, a few days ago, Emma wanted some watermelon for fruit. But we'd run out. So I cut up an apple and told her it was watermelon."

"Then what happened?"

"What do you mean what happened? That's it. I lied to our daughter, for my own selfish convenience."

"Oh." Are you fricking kidding me, Ben wondered. After all he had lied about Emma she was eating a new kind of banana when he was serving her broccoli. And that was just yesterday. Clearly Riley was stressful and guilty about being a new mother. "Well, you should feel guilty. But on Emma's behalf I forgive you. And just remember to be equally as forgiving when something turns up."

"Can I talk to her?"

"Uh no. She's in the bathroom, and we're teaching her to respect other people's privacy when they're in. I'll tell her you love her."

"Do you think I read enough to her?"

"Oh God, Riley, of course you do. We're always reading to her. We go to the library every two days just to make sure she reads." And also because it's cheap. And come to think of it, it's kind of fun. "Look, even I'm reading more because you said it would encourage Emma to read."

"Sometimes I wonder whether Emma's wearing too much green. Sometimes I wonder whether her clothing may be hurting her self-esteem. And sometimes I think I worry too much about the fashion sense of a girl who just turned three."

"Worry about the third thing. Ignore the first two."

"I just feel so tense. What if I won't be a good mother?"

"Look, parenting can be surprisingly easy, at least once you get past the stage where your baby needs your body for lunch. I'm the one with a baby, and so far as I can tell, Emma's not a sociopath! It'll all work out."

"I hope so. Ben, one more thing?"

"Yes?"

"What are you reading to Emma tonight?"

"Oh, the reception's breaking up. Gotta go." Ben hung up, and then Tucker rang again. "How do you expect to get down?"

"I see one of the window washing things a couple of floors down on the other side of the building. Maybe I can reach it."

"I can't look!" But nevertheless twenty minutes later Ben was on the ground and quickly hurrying away from the scene as suspicious policemen had arrived. "We could use a drink," Tucker suggested. It was nearly eight inside a nearby tavern when Ben told Tucker about his new plan.

"Why do we care? There's no reason to think anyone's there."

"That's not true. While I was on the ledge, I noticed people in the offices working with documents. All I have to do is find a way to get inside. Here's my plan. I've called an escort company to send an escort to the security guard. I've also called the guard's company to tell them their guard is fooling around. While they're arguing about it, I'll sneak in and get inside."

Tucker chuckled. "Oh man, there is so much wrong with that plan. First, it's really mean to the guard. Second, do you think Riley isn't going to notice that you called an escort company?"

"She's not going to find out."

"And on what do you base your notorious and invariably undeserved overconfidence? Why would you say that?"

"Because I used your phone. I took it from you before you went to the bathroom. Here it is." Tucker was startled. "Dude, you should really improve your security. Giving them your credit card information was easy."

Tucker immediately and desperately went about trying to remove the charge from his credit card. Twenty five minutes later Ben was back on the 10th floor. He was proud of his cleverness, ignoring the fact that his stratagem had reduced the poor guard to tears. He noticed two men roughly his age. Their informal garb indicated that they were temp workers who had arrived this evening to do special work at the law firm. "Geez, these guys are really hard asses," one of them muttered.

"Well it's a living," said the other. He paused. "Even when it sucks." It was he who noticed Ben. "Hey! You don't work here!"

Ben decided to approach the two. "Uh right. Actually my wife is one of the lawyers who works here."

"She married you? What, did you get her pregnant?" snarked the first temp worker.

"Easy," said the second softly. "We don't know how important he is."

"Anyway could you make this folder goes to the right people?" Ben asked.

"Sure." agreed the second. Ben gave him the folder, and then went to a washroom. However, the second temp didn't put the folder on the proper associate's desk. Instead he dropped into a bin full of documents. When Ben came out of the washroom a couple of minutes later, he overheard the two saying they were going to take all the documents to be burned.

It was 8:50 when Tucker pulled Ben out a dumpster. "What happened this time?"

"There were a couple of guys there and then I gave them the folder. But instead of putting it on the desk, they were going to incinerate it. I managed to get it, but I ended up in a garbage chute and now this dumpster."

"I see. Now can we go home?"

"No! There is somebody there! If I can just sneak in I can put the folder there!"

"And how do you intend to do that?"

"I've noticed that the security guard is lonely and insecure..."

"Oh, I do not like where this is going."

"...and maybe someone wealthy and successful could give her some reassurance..."

"Yes, my intuition was correct."

"...and if that someone's reassurance happened to have sexual connotations, and well..."

"You're pimping me out so you can get past her."

"It's good to know that we're on the same page."

Fifteen minutes later Ben emerged from the elevator on the tenth floor. But then he saw someone in charge slap one of the temp workers he had been talking to previously. "You idiot! This is supposed to be a secure operation!"

Ben ducked down as the boss stomped back into the office. Slowly he made his way to the door and found that it was locked. Ben thought hard about how to get in. But for the next ten minutes nothing worked. He tried tapping on one of the windows and sneaking in when someone looked out. Nothing happened. He thought that if he pulled the fire alarm he could make his way in the confusion. But whoever was in charge that evening had disabled the fire alarms and nothing happened. He tried picking a lock on one of the other doors and after five minutes realized that he didn't know how to pick locks. He sank in a corner and tried to figure out what to do next, when his phone rang. Once again it was Riley.

"Baby! What's up?" An alarming thought came to mind. "Have you come home yet?"

"No, I'm still at work. I just wanted to hear your voice. I mean, I've been spending so much time at work. When Emma was born it seemed I was barely working at all. And now I've had to take a raincheck on Valentine's Day. I mean, I can't have been much fun lately. How am I going to be a mother when I can't even be a wife?"

"But you're already Emma's mother! Look I know you're nervous. But if I can do this for three years, this should be a piece of cake for you!"

"I know you keep saying that. I mean it's just that right this minute I wish I was with you..."

"Ah!"

"...doing something fun. Like last month, when I was feeling so blue because I was so fat now. And you made sure we could stay at home, watching a movie, helping massage my back, gorging me on chocolates, whispering sweet nothings into my ear. That was so nice of you. I mean 'The Last Picture Show' is definitely not the kind of movie I have any reason to expect you would like. And yet you actually enjoyed it. And when I complained that you were getting turned on by Cybill Shepherd, you just smiled and reminded me that I was the one you got pregnant. And then you kissed me below the ear, as we watched spooned together. Then later we went to bed and had sex. That was so sweet of you."

"Well happy to make the effort."

"I just wish I could make you happy."

"You are making me happy. You have no idea how often Mom tells me I don't deserve you at all."

"Actually I think I have a fairly good idea."

"Regardless, if you take a deep breath and concentrate on what you need to do, you can wrap it all up and you can go home. But you don't have to do it right this minute. If you take a deep breath and concentrate and take some time, the work will just fly by."

"So I should work on this for another fifteen minutes?"

"Or even longer as the case may be." Riley hung up happily and Ben sighed. Then he took stock. If Riley could work so hard and take so much trouble and have so much faith in him, he could find a way to get this folder into the office and not have to worry about it anymore. Now he had the confidence to solve the problem, to do the right thing and...

"Hey, it's that guy who was nosing around here earlier!"

Ben quickly stood up. "Could you be able to help..."

"Get him!" There were two security guards with intimidating suits, and Ben dashed away. "Stop, or I'll shoot!"

Ben stopped for a second, "You'd really try to shoot..." but seeing one of them pull out a gun he quickly fled into a stairwell. The next ten minutes were exhaustive and chaotic ones, as Ben ran down the stairwells followed by the security guards. At one point, he ran across a floor, and ran up a floor in the hope that this way he could elude his pursuers. This didn't quite work, nor did hiding and being quiet. So he had to find other ways of doubling back and running down the stairwells. At the end of the ten minutes, Ben reached the ground floor and tiptoed his way to the exit when he felt a hand rest firmly on his shoulder. It was the original security guard at the front desk. She dragged him to her desk and started berating him. "Who are you? What makes you think you can run around like this? Are you some kind of thief?"

Ben noticed Tucker near the entrance of the building, and tried to motion him to help. But Tucker couldn't think of anything. So Ben took a deep breath. "I understand you are upset and you are naturally very angry."

"Oh you think so? Oh you think so?!"

"But I have a perfectly good explanation for why I am here." He paused. He couldn't actually convince her to let him put the manila folder inside the office, or even to leave it with her. But he had to make sure he wasn't arrested. For a few seconds his mind was blank. And then it occurred to him. He took a deep breath and then gave the guard a deep, extremely emotional kiss as he embraced her tightly and nearly dipped her to the floor. He did this for quite some time, much longer that he was used to. When he finally brought the guard up for air she was extremely surprised, very disheveled, and, to be quite frank, very pleased.

Ben looked over to Tucker. "Run!" And before the guard could do anything the two were out of the building and racing to the metro station. As they took the train back to their apartment building, Tucker commiserated with Ben. "I know what you're thinking. Right this moment you can't get past the guard, or the people doing something at Riley's office. But you're thinking the guard will end her shift soon, and maybe you can get back inside. Already schemes and plans are floating through your mind. You never give up. And that would be inspiring if you were trying to do the right thing, instead of just trying to cover up your mistake. And as long as you intend to do that you'll need my help. And so..." Just then the train stopped at a station and Tucker dashed out without saying another word.

And so Ben returned home, where Bonnie chewed him out for leaving her alone with Emma. He then put the manila folder away, thinking maybe he could follow Riley to work and slip it in then. He was busy cleaning up and didn't hear Riley come in at a quarter to eleven.

"I don't believe it!"

Ben turned around to see his wife. "What?! Oh you're home! What don't you believe?"

"It's so incredible! I can't believe you did this!"

"Umm, well...ummm...well..."

"Here I've spent so much time working and you took the trouble to fill the apartment with tulips! My favorite flower! You remembered!"

Ben realized that his mother had brought home all the tulips from the reception earlier today. They were everywhere, but he hadn't noticed him with so much else on his mind. "Yes! Yes, I did. As I've said many times before, fourth time's the charm!"

Riley moved up to her husband and kissed him. "We should make love."

"What? You mean in the next five minutes or so?"

"You're hesitating. It's because I'm so fat isn't it?"

"No. Definitely not!" Ben replied in the one sincere thing he said all day. "It's just...this isn't how I thought today would end."

"OK, I'll just brush my teeth and get ready for bed." She entered the bathroom and Ben moved to the bedroom. He did a fist pump: "Yes!"

It was close to 11:30 when Riley's phone rang. "I have to get this." she said.

"The firm has no right to call you this late. I mean it's after eleven." Nevertheless Riley got dressed and went into the kitchen. Ben was close to sleep before the call came, and was thinking of going back to sleep.

"Sweetheart, could you come here for a minute?"

Ben put on his underwear and T-shirt. Was there something a little wrong in Riley's tone of voice? As he left the bedroom he saw Riley and realized that there was definitely something wrong with the tone. He would have to remember to recognize that even when he was sleepy. There in her bathrobe, Riley was holding the manila folder. She looked very pregnant and very, very angry.

"How could you do this to me? How could you lie to me like that? And what are these reports of you running around my office like a common hooligan? And apparently you kissed another woman! Benjamin Bon Jovi Wheeler, explain yourself!"

Ben didn't speak for a few seconds. Everything inside him told him to grovel, to grovel like he had never groveled before. He should throw himself to the floor and beg for mercy.

But he didn't. With a big grin he said, "I am _SO_ glad that you didn't receive that message half an hour ago."

Riley was speechless. Then: "Oh you are a dead man."

She started to chase Ben around the kitchen, soon circling around the kitchen table. "Stay put damn it!"

"You are not going to get me!" The fact that she was more than seven months pregnant forced Riley to admit that was very likely. That frustration only made her more determined. "You are so going to pay for this!"

A sleepy Emma came out of her bedroom. "Wha going on?" she mumbled.

"Go to back to bed sweetie. I just have to strangle your father!"

"You can't keep this up Riley!"

"Stop smirking damn it!"


End file.
